DEAR ABBY: I'm an only child. My parents moved three miles from my husband and me after our first daughter was born. They were determined not to miss a minute of her life.

Mom's life has always been centered around Dad, my daughters and me. She has never approved of my husband because he didn't finish college and enlisted in the military, unlike Dad, who has two master's degrees and retired from the Navy as a lieutenant commander. She regards my husband as the "sperm donor," and that's about all the credit he gets.

Mom isn't happy about anything unless she's complaining. She resents that we spend part of Dad's birthday with my husband's family -- never mind that it's the anniversary of his father's death. She has tried to discipline my daughters based on their grades, even though we have told her that her job is to "spoil them," and it's our job to discipline them.

My husband now refuses to set foot in my parents' home, and I dread the next event that will put them together in the same place. I have asked them to agree to disagree for my sake and my girls, but both feel "justified" in their feelings. I feel as though I must make a choice between the two. Please help. -- TORN IN TWO

DEAR TORN: Since you must make a choice, choose your husband. If you don't, you stand a good chance of being a divorced mother of two with overbearing parents judging every move you and your daughters make for the foreseeable future. Your parents owe you and your husband an apology for the way they have treated him, and frankly, you need to distance yourself from them until you are strong enough to establish some adult boundaries.

DEAR ABBY: I was recently diagnosed with cancer. The support I have received from friends and family has been wonderful. However, I have a challenge.

A friend from work who is a cancer survivor has solicited money from other co-workers on my behalf. I didn't know she had done it, but if I had, I certainly would not have condoned it. My husband and I are well-off, and my company's health insurance is adequate for my medical expenses.

My friend keeps trying to find ways to spend the collected money on me. Unfortunately, she buys things I neither want nor need. I'm so uncomfortable with this entire situation that I don't know what to do. How would you handle this? -- EMBARRASSED BY THE ATTENTION

DEAR EMBARRASSED: I'd ask the friend for a list of the names of the people who contributed so I could thank them for their thoughtfulness and generosity. And when I got it, I would nicely tell her that, while I appreciate her collecting the money, I do not need it and I want it returned to the donors. Then I would write each of the donors a short, personal note explaining the situation and expressing my gratitude.

DEAR ABBY: Sometimes my secretary says things like, "I could just kill myself" or, "Just shoot me!" Abby, my son took his life by shooting himself two years ago. She knows what happened because we live in a small town.

I don't know what to say when I hear her utter those phrases, but it feels like someone has reached in and torn a piece of my heart out. Have you any advice for me? -- STILL GRIEVING FOR MY SON

DEAR STILL GRIEVING: Your secretary's level of insensitivity is astonishing. Since it appears she hasn't a clue, the next time she says it -- and she will -- tell her emphatically not to do it again because of the tragedy your family has experienced firsthand involving guns and suicide. If that doesn't shame her into watching her mouth, nothing will.

DEAR ABBY: "Seth" and I have been going out for almost three years. We have been engaged for a year and I love him, but every time he talks about living together or getting married, I get so nervous and scared that I suffer anxiety attacks.

We have differences when it comes to handling money, keeping the house in order and having pets. We also argued about a pre-nup agreement. Seth won't change his position on it and I'm still resentful. I'm worried that if we live together I'll end up with his debts. If things don't work out, I don't want to start all over again.

We're both divorced with kids. We have a good relationship except for my fear of going to the next level. -- SKITTISH IN CANADA

DEAR SKITTISH: You and Seth have significant areas of disagreement, and they are ones that could affect the outcome of your relationship. That's why it is important for you to seek premarital counseling to see if they can be worked out. If they can't be, then you and Seth need to find different partners, because the issues upon which you differ are deal-breakers, and the last thing either of you -- or your children -- need is another divorce.

DEAR ABBY: I have always had a close relationship with my mother. She is smart, wonderful and sweet, but she can also be naive.

In the past Mom has trusted people who turned out to be not very nice. When she began this relationship with the "perfect man," I was curious. I inquired about his prior relationships and history in general. He openly shared details about his past -- except for one thing I later discovered on my own. He has served an extensive stint in prison for being a child predator and is still on parole.

I don't want him around my children or any of my mom's other grandchildren. Mom says he's a reformed person now. He may be, but I don't know him well. Mom is welcome to see my children anytime, but not with him. She thinks I'm being unreasonable, and I'm uncomfortable about the way she is pressing the issue. What should I do? -- CAN'T BACK DOWN ON THIS ONE

DEAR CAN'T BACK DOWN: Stand firm in your resolve until such time as you are convinced the "perfect man" will not offend again. Your mother is emotional about him and is not thinking clearly. If he had leveled about the fact he's on parole and for what, that would be one thing. But he didn't, and that is cause for worry.

DEAR ABBY: I am a man who has tried to lose weight for my health and failed. I am trying again now and have lost 40 pounds. A couple of years ago I did the same thing, and then before I knew it I gained it all back. I'm really trying to keep it off this time.

A co-worker said, "You look good with the weight loss, but do you think you'll be able to keep it off this time?" I had no idea what to say. I told him we all have our vices, but I am trying. Abby, the comment hurt my feelings. How would you suggest handling the situation? -- SMALLER IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

DEAR SMALLER: Your co-worker's comment was thoughtless. But if he brings up the subject again, tell him how it made you feel the first time he did, and that your weight problem is really none of his business.

DEAR ABBY: My husband purchased a bag of individually wrapped frozen chicken breasts during his lunch break. After work, we took our kids to a concert and didn't return home until 8 p.m. The bag of chicken was in his trunk for seven hours on a hot summer day.

My husband thought it was OK to refreeze the meat and feed this to our kids, ages 6 and 2. I adamantly disagreed. What are your thoughts? We've had this argument before. -- NO WAY! IN SAN JOSE

DEAR NO WAY!: Your husband is seriously off base. According to the U.S. Department of Agriculture, "cold food" -- such as chicken, fish, raw meat -- should be purchased just before leaving the market and the shopper should plan to drive directly home. Always refrigerate perishable food within two hours, and when the temperature is above 90 degrees Fahrenheit, it should be refrigerated within one hour! Food left in the car for the length of time your husband did is no longer fit for human consumption and could have made your children seriously ill.

Readers, for the answers to food safety questions, the USDA can be contacted on the Internet at AskKaren.gov. Submit a question there and it will be answered. The USDA also has a Meat and Poultry Hotline, (888) 674-6854, which is open 10 a.m. to 4 p.m. Monday through Friday.

DEAR ABBY: My ex-husband and I divorced seven years ago. He has remarried, and I also recently married again. He is still bitter toward me. His emotional abuse was partly to blame for our split, although I was not entirely without fault. I made mistakes, too, which I regret.

Two of my children hold me responsible for the divorce and continually throw my mistakes back in my face. I walk on eggshells around them. I have apologized repeatedly and asked their forgiveness. I'm afraid of losing contact with my grandchildren every time one of my kids becomes upset about the past.

I have been to counseling, but was told I just have to be happy with me. Is there a way my children can finally forgive me for the past? I'm not a bad person, just a flawed one. -- HUMAN IN ONTARIO, CANADA

DEAR HUMAN: We're all flawed, including your children. If they are determined that blame for the divorce falls solely on you, while absolving your emotionally abusive husband, nothing you or I can do will change their minds.

You have paid your therapist good money for the sensible advice you received, so please heed it. The longer you continue to walk on eggshells and tolerate the treatment you are receiving, the longer it will continue. Concentrate on your own life, and far more happiness will result than what you're experiencing now.

DEAR ABBY: Many letters you print come from women who seem shocked because they've ended up with men who have little or no character. However, I have never dated a man who could hide his true colors longer than six months.

You often advise these women to seek counseling or an attorney, but for the millions of women who haven't yet made these mistakes, how about a shout-out for prevention? Amazingly, not getting legally attached and not allowing yourself to become pregnant by a man you've known only a few weeks isn't considered common sense anymore.

The heart is ungovernable, but people do have absolute control over using birth control and getting married. What percentage of women's problems do you think could be avoided if, for the first year of dating someone, they used birth control 100 percent of the time and didn't rush to get married? -- PERPLEXED IN PEORIA

DEAR PERPLEXED: I'd say about 50 percent -- but I may be underestimating by a long shot.