DEAR ABBY: My fiancee and I are living in a studio apartment owned by her mother. We're currently looking for another place to live, and can't decide whether or not to get a two-bedroom and a roommate.

We both know the pros and cons of living with other people, and I have a potential roommate I trust completely. But I'm apprehensive because I had a roommate once before and it wasn't a great experience. We're still friends, but I would never live with him again.

We're trying to get out soon. I don't want to make the wrong decision and lose either a friend or a future wife because of money, hurt feelings or anything else. Please advise. -- MIKE IN FLORIDA

DEAR MIKE: Living together, as you have probably already learned, requires adjustment on the part of all of the parties concerned. While you trust this friend to be a responsible roommate, what if something unforeseeable were to happen and the person should have to unexpectedly move out? Would he or she be on the lease with you? Could you pay the rent without the help of another roommate? How would you manage if the roommate were to have a live-in, too?

Because of these questions, it might be better to take a place with one bedroom to avoid possible complications.

DEAR ABBY: Is it appropriate to send anniversary flowers to a widow? My husband's grandfather just passed away, and this will be his grandmother's first wedding anniversary as a widow.

Etiquette guides conflict in their advice regarding sending anniversary cards and flowers to widows. Would flowers be inappropriate? If not, what should the delivery card say? -- SENTIMENTAL IN KELLER, TEXAS

DEAR SENTIMENTAL: Sending flowers would be a kind and thoughtful gesture. The card could read, "You're in our thoughts and in our hearts. With love ..." because this will be anything but a happy anniversary. If you live near your husband's grandmother, offer to invite her over or take her out to dinner so she won't be alone.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 21-year-old guy who needs to know how to properly introduce myself to a lady. My first instinct is to shake her hand -- that's how I introduce myself to guys. I'm always uneasy shaking a girl's hand because I am not sure if it is appropriate. If I am seated, I will stand to introduce myself, but then there's an awkward pause afterward. Please advise. -- A PROPER GENTLEMAN

DEAR GENTLEMAN: According to the rules of etiquette, it's the woman who dictates whether or not to shake hands. If she extends her hand, you should shake it. If not, keep your hands at your sides -- smile, tell her your name and say, "It's nice to meet you." That's all you have to do.

DEAR ABBY: I live in a nice, quiet neighborhood. A few months ago, however, a young woman who lived across the street from me was brutally stabbed to death by her jealous boyfriend. After a few months of getting the rental home cleaned up, there are new people moving in. Should I make sure they're aware of what happened or should I keep quiet? -- CONCERNED IN MISSOURI

DEAR CONCERNED: Exactly what are you concerned about -- that the boyfriend will come back and stab the new renters? They should have already been informed about the history of the place by the person renting the property. But if they weren't, I see little to be gained by your being the bearer of those bad tidings.

DEAR ABBY: I'm in a real pickle. My ex-wife, "Gloria," and I have been divorced eight years, but have managed to remain civil to each other.

Last year, my daughter had a big birthday party to which I wanted to bring a date. Gloria decided that she would not attend because it would be "hurtful" to see me with another woman. After my daughter called me in tears, I canceled my date and went to the party alone.

Now my daughter is about to be married and I want to bring a date to the ceremony. Again, Gloria has announced that she will forgo the pleasure of seeing our daughter get married "so I can have my way and prove to the world I'm able to get a date." My daughter is caught in the middle and wants us both there.

I foresee a host of problems in the future if Gloria's behavior continues. My girlfriend is understanding, but I wish I could include her in family activities, especially one-of-a kind events like weddings. Your thoughts, Abby? -- ARIZONA DAD IN CONFLICT

DEAR ARIZONA DAD: Clearly you have gotten on with your life and Gloria hasn't. Eight years is a long time, and by now your ex should have adjusted to the fact that you have separate lives. I, too, foresee a host of problems in the future if you and your daughter continue to succumb to her emotional blackmail.

One solution would be for Gloria to bring a companion of her own to the wedding. Another would be for you to sit with your ex during the ceremony and with your girlfriend at the reception. But for Gloria to say that you only want your girlfriend with you at family events "so you can show the world you can get a date" is hostile.

If you don't assert yourself and end your ex's game-playing, what will wind up happening is you having to alternate celebrating milestone events in your daughter's and eventual grandchildren's lives.

DEAR ABBY: I like to be tan. Sometimes I tan outside, but often that takes too long and can be damaging to the skin, so I opt for self-tanning lotion. But some people ask me if I have put on "fake-n-bake"! I feel this is rude.

I don't want to have to explain my desire for tan legs. I want people to believe the color is real. They do look that way, but because others are pale in comparison, I get asked about it. How do I reply without giving myself away? -- BRONZED BABE IN THE WEST

DEAR BRONZED BABE: If people are asking you about the tan on your legs, face it, it doesn't look real. Your problem may be that you are using the wrong product. Or, if you're using it only on your legs, that could be what's made it obvious to others. A possible solution would be to consult someone who works in a spray-tanning salon.

DEAR ABBY: My friend, "Maggie," had her flight home canceled and asked me if she could stay at my place overnight. I'm in a long-distance relationship and I felt my girlfriend of seven years would be uncomfortable with the arrangement. I asked Maggie to respect that and offered to book a hotel room for her instead. She was offended and ended our friendship. Do you think I was wrong? -- UNFRIENDED IN VIRGINIA

DEAR UNFRIENDED: No, I think you were protecting what was important to you -- your girlfriend's feelings. And I also think you made the right choice.

DEAR ABBY: Sometime ago, you printed a letter from one of your readers who was upset over her son's polyamorous relationship. I didn't respond then, but now that my triad is ready to come out to my boyfriend's family (we are out to mine and to my husband's·family), I feel the need to address this lifestyle in your column and ask your advice.

My husband and I have been together 10 years. We started out as swingers. When we met my now-boyfriend, it became apparent that it was going to be more serious than "play" partners. Our particular arrangement is a "V" triad, meaning I am involved with two (husband and boyfriend), but they are not involved with each other.

My boyfriend is extremely important to us in every way. We all work together to make a very smooth-running, loving household.

I want you and your readers to know that this is a viable relationship with love, respect and, most important, open communication. This kind of relationship -- or any, for that matter -- is doomed without it.

An estimated half-million people in the United States are part of polyamorous relationships. We're not freaks in need of counseling, but people who realize that love can grow and that there is an alternative to monogamy.

Abby, I would like to get some tips from someone who doesn't readily accept this life or even know it's out there. My boyfriend's family is conservative and they know he lives with a married couple. We've all spent time together, and I think they like me. Of course, they don't know I'm romantically involved with their son.

What's the best way to tell them about our triad? We want them to know this isn't the end of the world and that I love him very much. I'd appreciate any advice from you or your readers on this. Until we're out of the closet, please sign me ... NOWHERE AND EVERYWHERE

DEAR N AND E: Because you're looking for input from someone who "doesn't readily accept this life," you have come to the right place. You didn't say how long your boyfriend has been living with you and your husband, but if it has been any length of time and his parents know he isn't involved with anyone else, it's possible they already have some suspicions.

Because they are conservative, if I were you I wouldn't shatter their illusions. I can almost guarantee they won't embrace you for it. If you feel you must disclose the information, then do it in the same way that you have explained it to me. But don't expect them to jump for joy.

DEAR ABBY: At what age does a person become a senior citizen? There has been much discussion about this in our family. I looked forward to turning 50 and becoming a "semi-sexy senior." AARP starts asking us to join before 50. -- BILL IN ARKANSAS

DEAR BILL: Yes, it does. It's called recruiting. Eligibility for senior discounts varies depending upon the establishment offering them, and there's no limit to the age one can be "semi-sexy" as long as you are healthy, willing and able.

When I was invited to join the AARP, I decided to defer becoming a senior citizen as long as possible. With the retirement age now approaching 70, it appears the government is taking its lead from me.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)