DEAR ABBY: I am a 40-year-old man with a baby face. It makes me appear much younger than I am -- so much so that I have been carded when buying alcohol or lottery tickets. People also seem to relate to me based on the age they perceive me to be.

Four months ago I grew a beard, which makes me look more my age. I'm an actor, and in the past audiences had difficulty accepting me in certain roles because of my youthful appearance. My beard solved that problem.

My sister-in-law is getting married this summer and insists I shave my beard for the ceremony and wedding photos. I keep it well-groomed, and it gives me more confidence when dealing with people. I don't want to shave it.

My sister-in-law is recovering from cancer, and my wife thinks I'll look like a jerk if I refuse to comply. I'm not part of the wedding party, but I am the head usher and will be in many of the family photos. Is her request appropriate? My father-in-law has a beard, but he hasn't been asked to shave it. -- CONFLICTED IN CANADA

DEAR CONFLICTED: Your letter reminds me of the ones I have printed about brides who don't want anyone associated with their wedding to be overweight, tattooed or have an unusual hairdo. They're so preoccupied with how things will look that they forget there are people, not mannequins or puppets, involved.

You should not have to shave your beard in order to be an usher. Offer your sister-in-law a choice: Either you can remain as you are, or she can find someone else to steer her guests to their seats. Do not be confrontational about it. The choice will be hers.

DEAR ABBY: You often advise readers who have the time to reach out and volunteer. There's a little-known program in every state that was mandated by a 1978 amendment to the "Older Americans Act." It's the Long Term Care Ombudsman Program. Its goal is to help assure that long-term care facility residents live harmoniously and with dignity, feeling free to voice complaints or concerns without reprisal.

There's a need nationwide for volunteers to make this program work. The ultimate goal is to have one volunteer in each nursing home. After training is completed, volunteers spend eight to 16 hours a month visiting their assigned nursing homes. They talk with the residents and observe conditions. If there's a complaint, they take it to their regional ombudsman for resolution.

Once residents get to know and trust you, they will share wonderful life stories. Some of them have no one to talk to, no visitors or family. A volunteer ombudsman is the voice for those who have none, and helps to make each community a better place to live for all its residents.

The nursing homes like to have volunteer ombudsmen visit their facilities because they want to provide the best care possible for their residents. -- JILL IN VAN BUREN, ARK.

DEAR JILL: Forgive me if this seems cynical, but some do and some don't -- which is exactly why it's so important that there are trained observers willing to regularly visit nursing home patients to ensure they are properly cared for. Readers, this is important work. If you are interested in volunteering, contact your local social services agency, Department of Aging or search online for the word "ombudsman" and the state in which you reside.

DEAR ABBY: My fiancee, "Vanessa," and I have been engaged almost a year. We're to be married in three months. When I popped the question, I took her to one of her favorite spots in the Smoky Mountains. When I proposed, she was overcome with emotion -- but not the kind I would have thought. She said yes, but she wasn't at all happy about being surprised. She doesn't like surprises.

At the time, I was sure she had an inkling about my intentions. We had discussed becoming engaged several times. Now, as the wedding draws near, she wants me to "re-propose." It makes me feel like my first wasn't good enough, and it is really upsetting me. I only intended to do it once in my life. What would you recommend? -- QUESTIONED-OUT IN OHIO

DEAR QUESTIONED-OUT: I recommend you clear the air with Vanessa ASAP. Tell her you intended to propose only once in your life, and that her request has hurt your feelings. If she still insists on a second proposal, ask for a script so you won't disappoint her again. Then be prepared to have her provide you with them regularly, because unless you're a mind reader, it's the only way you'll live up to her fantasies.

DEAR ABBY: How can I get my stepsons to show some compassion and love for their father? They seem to forget that they have him, and that he labored to help them become successful citizens. He's a kind and sensitive man who should be cherished. He has Alzheimer's disease and needs their love now more than ever.

They live in other states, but could call more than once a year. My husband doesn't say much about them anymore. He did when we first married six years ago. We keep busy, but I cry for him. He has no family. His first wife lived for her sons only and probably forgot about her relationship with my husband. Perhaps this attitude was passed on to his sons. How do others in my situation cope? -- CRYING IN WISCONSIN

DEAR CRYING: Dry your tears, pick up the phone and encourage the "boys" to call their father once a week to say they are thinking of him and love him -- and to share some memory their father will relate to. And should your husband's sons have a memory lapse and forget to call, remind them -- but do it without laying a guilt trip.

DEAR ABBY: How can I get my stepsons to show some compassion and love for their father? They seem to forget that they have him, and that he labored to help them become successful citizens. He's a kind and sensitive man who should be cherished. He has Alzheimer's disease and needs their love now more than ever.

They live in other states, but could call more than once a year. My husband doesn't say much about them anymore. He did when we first married six years ago. We keep busy, but I cry for him. He has no family. His first wife lived for her sons only and probably forgot about her relationship with my husband. Perhaps this attitude was passed on to his sons. How do others in my situation cope? -- CRYING IN WISCONSIN

DEAR CRYING: Dry your tears, pick up the phone and encourage the "boys" to call their father once a week to say they are thinking of him and love him -- and to share some memory their father will relate to. And should your husband's sons have a memory lapse and forget to call, remind them -- but do it without laying a guilt trip.

DEAR ABBY: Like other people my age, I'm supposed to get a colonoscopy. The difficulty is that someone has to go to the two-hour appointment with me, as well as supervise me for 3 to 4 hours afterward until the anesthesia wears off.

I don't have family here, and my friends all work full time, so I hesitate to ask them. Can I hire a home health aide to go along with me? Is there a volunteer organization that provides companions? Could I stay in the recovery room for several hours and then take a taxi or drive myself home? The lack of a person to accompany me is the major reason I haven't gotten the procedure yet. I know I must not be the only person in this boat. What do you suggest? -- ON MY OWN IN BLOOMINGTON, IND.

DEAR ON YOUR OWN: You're definitely not the only person who has faced this problem, which is why I'm printing your letter.

Do you belong to a church? If so, contact your clergyperson and ask if he or she knows someone in your congregation who would be willing to accompany you for the procedure, drive you home and stay for a few hours. If not, because you live in a university town, contact the school and ask if one of the students would like to earn some extra money by providing you with transportation and supervision.

Or, ask your doctor for a referral to a healthcare aide who might be available to help you. Now stop procrastinating and schedule this very important appointment.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 28-year-old married woman. I work full time, own a house with my husband and have a great family life. As an only child, I have always been close with my parents. I talk to Mom sometimes twice a day and stay at their house when my husband has to work the night shift.

I mentioned to my parents that I want to get a small tattoo on my foot. They went nuts. Mom screamed at me to get out of her house. She said if I get a tattoo I am no longer welcome in her house. I tried explaining that I am an adult and although she may not agree with my choice, the decision is not hers. Dad said tattoos are trashy. Mom wouldn't speak to me for two weeks. I had to send her flowers to smooth things over.

I don't know what to do. I still want the tattoo. My husband isn't wild about the idea, but respects my decision. How do I get my parents to come around on this matter, and on my judgment in general? -- TIME TO CUT THE CORD

DEAR TIME TO CUT THE CORD: You might start by being less dependent on their approval. Tattoos have become so common they are now mainstream -- worn by doctors, lawyers and people in just about every profession. A tattoo on your foot would not be a sign you are a fallen woman.

However, think carefully about this decision because once it's on, it's there to stay. And be sure that getting it isn't a delayed form of teenage rebellion on your part and that you can live with the flak that's sure to come with it.

Your letter reminds me of the time I told my mother I wanted to get my ears pierced. Her response was: "I gave you a perfect body. If you want two more holes in your head, it's up to you." I did and never regretted it, but it made me think twice. And that's what you should do.

DEAR ABBY: Many of us have old electric typewriters that go unused. Why not donate them to a nursing home or to an elderly person who can no longer write? Even people with severe Parkinson's disease can still hit a key with one finger and write letters they were once unable to do. -- SUSAN IN ARKANSAS

DEAR SUSAN: That's a great idea, and one worth pursuing for anyone interested in recycling.