DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Vinny," and I were growing apart after 10 years of marriage. It was both our faults. Vinny reconnected with a woman at his class reunion and started an inappropriate, secret relationship with her.

I discovered some of their emails and saw they had been texting numerous times a day. When I "busted" Vinny, he denied everything until I showed him the proof of what I knew. We have had issues in the past with him not being honest, but this was the straw that broke the camel's back.

We have told our children that we have decided to divorce. It was the most difficult decision I have ever made. We are still living in the same house and haven't told many people what happened.

I don't want anyone thinking I strayed or that I was responsible for this. Would it be inappropriate for me to say why I'm divorcing him? I don't want to take his feelings into consideration after what he did. My neighbors are gossipy -- it's like ... WISTERIA LANE

DEAR WISTERIA LANE: Although you don't want to take Vinny's feelings into consideration, please consider the feelings of your children. The most dignified way to deal with this would be to take the high road and say that the decision to divorce was mutual and keep the details to yourself. Please consider it.

DEAR ABBY: I am writing regarding the letter you printed June 14, about saluting the U.S. flag. You should be aware that the Flag Code that you referenced in your reply was amended by Congress a couple of years ago and includes changes of which all Americans should be made aware.

One of them is that military veterans, as civilians who are no longer in uniform, may choose to salute the flag with the military "hand to the forehead" salute as they did while in the service.

All other persons should face the flag and stand at attention with their right hand over the heart, or if applicable, should remove their headdress with their right hand and hold it at the left shoulder, the hand being over the heart. Citizens of other countries should stand at attention. All conduct toward the flag in a moving column should be rendered at the moment the flag passes. This includes the playing of the national anthem. -- ANDY ANDERSON, KNOXVILLE, TENN.

DEAR ANDY: Thank you and thanks to the many readers who wrote to inform me that my copy of the Flag Code was outdated. I was unaware that it had been amended and used the one that was in my files for reference. Mea culpa!

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have dinner with friends a couple of times a month. The wife likes to kiss and hug me. She even patted me on the behind once. This makes me very uncomfortable.

I enjoy being affectionate with my children, grandchildren and my husband, but I do not like being touched by women. What should I do about this? -- HANDS OFF IN HOLLISTER, CALIF.

DEAR HANDS OFF: For heaven's sake, speak up and tell the woman that you are uncomfortable about being touched by other women. That way she'll know it isn't personal. I'm sure she will respect your boundaries once you explain them to her.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 47-year-old woman who started dating "Earl" about three weeks ago. We had gotten off to a great start. We talk easily, we're comfortable with each other and we seem to share similiar values.

Last week, Earl's mom passed away, which has made continuing the relationship difficult. He was close to her and, understandably, is going through a rough time.

I'm willing to stick by him and go through this painful process with him. I have been through it myself. Earl said he still wants to see me, but because of what he's dealing with, if someone else comes along, I should take that opportunity.

Abby, I don't want to look for anyone else. I already care a lot for Earl, but I'm confused about what to do. I have had enough hurt to last me the rest of me life, and I know Earl could tell me at any time that he can no longer handle this because of his situation. Please tell me what I should do. -- LADY IN WAITING

DEAR LADY IN WAITING: You seem like a nice, but needy lady. You have known Earl a grand total of three weeks, which is not long enough for either of you to make serious plans. Right now Earl needs your support and friendship more than he needs a romance, so slow down.

Be there if he needs to talk. Offer to cook him dinner once a week. But do not pressure him or he will be history.

DEAR ABBY: I have found my soul mate. We have a newborn son and are very happy. We plan to be married next year, after we have saved enough for the wedding.

I have been hiding a secret from him. I have had bulimia for 20 years. Should I tell him before we marry? I am terrified it will harm our relationship. How can I tell him without hurting him? I'm afraid he won't understand what it will take for me to heal myself. He will be worried about my health. Please advise, Abby. -- KEEPING IT TO MYSELF

DEAR KEEPING IT TO YOURSELF: You should absolutely tell him before you marry. You should also be prepared to honestly answer any questions he may ask about your eating disorder. What would hurt him and harm your relationship would be to marry him without his knowing the facts about your illness. If he is truly your soul mate, he won't run away. He will stand by you and support you any way he can to become well again.

DEAR ABBY: Is it OK for a married woman to physically touch someone of the opposite sex? When we were in a restaurant, my wife reached toward the waiter and put her hand on his arm.

At a football game, she leaned over and touched a kid on his shoulders with both hands to express her feelings about one of our grandsons scoring a touchdown.

She also has a habit of calling other males "Hon." Is this normal? I have told my wife a number of times that she should stop it, but she says I don't "own" her and she can do whatever she wants. -- ANNOYED HUSBAND IN ILLINOIS

DEAR ANNOYED HUSBAND: It appears you married a "toucher." That's someone who needs to make physical contact with another person in order to feel she has "connected." It is harmless, and you should not feel threatened by it. As to her calling other men "Hon," it's possible she does it because she can't remember the person's name. Lighten up, and she may respond by being less defensive.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 17-year-old female senior in high school. I was coerced into sex when I was 12 by a 19-year-old neighbor. He raped, molested and beat me repeatedly for two months. I come from a religious family. I was very sheltered and didn't understand most of what was happening at the time. It wasn't until I had Sex Ed that year that I fully understood.

Mom had always told me not to let anyone touch me because it was dirty and wrong. I felt guilty because I knew "something" was wrong. When I told my neighbor about the guilt, he taught me how to cut myself using a razor blade. I never told my family (or anyone else, for that matter) about what had happened to me, and I continued cutting until last year when my mom found out. I have been in and out of counseling since then.

I have horrible nightmares nearly every night. I relive memories of him beating me, molesting me and raping me. The nightmares are getting worse, and I'm falling asleep during the daytime. I don't know how to make them stop. Abby, can you help me? -- NIGHTMARES IN WICHITA, KAN.

DEAR NIGHTMARES: None of what happened was your fault. You were a child and that neighbor was an adult who took advantage of your youth and inexperience. The feelings you're experiencing are not unusual for rape victims -- fear, anger, shame, guilt, loss of power and isolation.

If you will make a police report, it will help you to regain a sense of control. It may also prevent other children from being victimized by this monster. If possible, ask to talk with a female police officer -- although many police departments provide special training to all their officers so victims are treated in a sensitive and caring manner.

Being able to give voice to your feelings will go a long way toward making your nightmares go away. It will help you immensely if you'll talk with a professional counselor at a rape treatment center or crisis center. For you, that would be the Wichita Area Sexual Assault Center. Its 24-hour toll-free number (for Kansas residents only) is (877) 927-2248. The website is www.wichitasac.com. Please don't wait. People there will help you if you'll give them a chance.

DEAR ABBY: My father passed away a few months ago and something has been bothering me ever since his funeral. Some of my co-workers attended the viewing and the service. I do not care for any of them and I believe they showed up because they were nosy about my personal business. I share none of it with them in the office.

Now my mother is very ill. I don't know how I'll handle it if these people show up at my mother's eventual service. I think this is an invasion of my and my family's privacy, and I get sick to my stomach at the thought of them coming.

Is there anything I can do or say to let them know they're not welcome? One woman regularly attends funerals for people she doesn't know. -- PRIVATE PERSON, ONTARIO, CANADA

DEAR PRIVATE: Yes, there is something you can do. When the notice of your mother's death is published in the newspaper, it should be stated that her funeral service will be private. The time and place should not be mentioned, and should be communicated verbally only to those you would like to attend.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)