DEAR ABBY: I agree with your advice to "Driven Away in Georgia" (May 26), whose widowed mother has become so bitter, all eight of her children avoid her. As a clinical neuropsychologist who works with people with dementia and other aging-related problems, I'd like to share my thoughts.

When a spouse dies, previously undetected early-stage dementia can become apparent to others. If the surviving spouse had pre-existing cognitive deficits, they may have been concealed by the competency of the other spouse. After the spouse dies, the structure and functional support once provided is suddenly removed. Symptoms then become apparent to family members. Another diagnostic option might be depression, which can often resemble dementia in elderly people.

There are medications that can help manage and even slow down the progression of dementia, and early intervention may partially stabilize her at a higher level of functioning. You were right to recommend that family members become more involved rather than back away since this woman clearly needs either psychiatric or neurological intervention, or both. Thank you for shedding light on a very common problem that can touch any family. -- RICHARD FULBRIGHT, Ph.D., DALLAS

DEAR DR. FULBRIGHT: Thank you for sharing your expertise and raising awareness for those with family members who are also struggling with similar issues. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: In addition to concerns about dementia, the mother may be overwhelmed with living life as a widow. The eight surviving children should try to arrange for part-time hired help for her household chores that build up. If Mom is living on limited income, she may be crushed with financial stress. Perhaps it's time for her to downsize to a more manageable home.

Instead of avoiding her, these "kids" need to find out exactly what problems are overwhelming their mother and get her help. -- CONCERNED SON IN LAUREL, MD.

DEAR ABBY: "Driven" and her siblings could offer more by getting together, taking potluck dishes and meeting at Mom's house over a weekend to split up her chore list. My own mom would say, "Many hands make labor light" -- and laughter makes the time pass quickly. If they can do this two or three times a year, Mom might feel more secure and relaxed.

Her children also should take turns taking Mom out to dinner and a movie once a month. It will give her something to look forward to. When you lose someone who was involved in your daily life, it gets lonely.

A tip to the kids: Imagine yourselves in your mom's shoes instead of thinking about how much you have to do. Even a person with dementia, if this is the case, can be happy with the right help. -- NANCY IN PAYSON, ARIZ.

DEAR ABBY: If each child contributed a small amount of money each month, they could hire a handyman to take care of the various projects Mom needs to be done. A cleaning person is also an option. Aging parents can be a challenge, but pulling away and spending less time with them will only lead to regrets later. -- LAUREN, SAN DIEGO

DEAR ABBY: Anytime our family got together, or my folks were having special guests over, my mom would ask me to clean her house. I resented it, figuring since I could clean my home, Mom could clean hers. Mom passed more than a year ago, and I'd give anything to be able to clean house for her again. -- BILL IN TRASKWOOD, ARK.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: We have a problem -- our pastor. He uses the pulpit to criticize, put people down and offers no compassion. A person can only take so much.

The problem is, if you say anything to him, you can bet the next sermon will be about what you discussed. How can I talk to him without making him angry? -- ALL FIRE AND BRIMSTONE

DEAR A.F. AND B.: Your pastor's behavior gives new meaning to the term "bully pulpit." Rather than approach him yourself, you and others who feel as you do should take your complaint to the governing board of your church. And if that doesn't fix the problem, you should seriously consider finding another "flock" to join because it appears your shepherd has lost his way.

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Claude" for eight months. We are planning a trip in the fall to visit his family's chateau in France. Claude has long legs and refuses to travel in coach because it's uncomfortable, so he will buy a business-class ticket for himself and a coach ticket for me.

While I'm grateful Claude is paying for my ticket, I feel that since we're a couple, we should travel together. I don't want to be upgraded to business class necessarily, but I'd like him to sit in coach with me. When I brought this up, he refused and is now calling me "ungrateful."

My feelings are hurt, and Claude can't understand why I am upset. My friends and family think he is acting rude and selfish. I can't help but agree. Do I have a right to be upset? I am so uncomfortable with this arrangement that I'm considering not even going. -- NOT UNGRATEFUL IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR NOT UNGRATEFUL: San Diego to France is a long flight. It's a long time to expect a tall person to fold up like a praying mantis just so you won't be sitting alone in a coach seat on your way to an all-expense-paid vacation. Claude has good reason for wanting to sit in business class. So be a sport and offer to pay for an upgrade to business class and sit with him. I agree that you shouldn't be seated "10 paces behind him," and this way you would both be comfortable.

DEAR ABBY: When my husband, "Ken," proposed three years ago, he had a steady job with an income twice as high as mine. He was laid off before our wedding, but we went ahead with the marriage. After our wedding, Ken was unemployed for another year before finally finding a minimum wage job. After one year at that job, he was fired. He has since found another minimum wage position.

I am a young teacher. We live in an expensive part of the country. We struggle every day to pay for groceries, gas and other essentials. I wasn't raised to expect many frills in life and I am frugal, but there are certain things I always assumed I would have -- a house of my own, children, a savings account. If I stay with Ken, I don't believe these things will ever be within my reach.

In all other ways, Ken is a wonderful man and I love him with all my heart. But is there ever a time when love isn't all you need? -- SECOND THOUGHTS IN ASHEVILLE, N.C.

DEAR SECOND THOUGHTS: You and Ken have hit a rough patch early in your marriage, but millions of Americans are even worse off -- out of work and have given up trying to find any.

When you married Ken you promised each other "for richer or poorer." This recession won't last forever and, in the meantime, you have a wonderful man you love with all your heart. Whether that's enough or not, only you can answer. But if you trade in this model, there are no 100 percent guarantees that the next one will be able to give you all you need, either. You may find that in order to get all you need, you'll have to do it on your own.

DEAR ABBY: During this economic recession, may I offer a reminder to your readers who may have their homes on the market and available for showing? Someone entered my home during an open house and rummaged through my drawers. The thief made off with my cherished sapphire engagement ring, an emerald band and several other sentimental pieces.

I'm ashamed for having underestimated people's dishonesty. I never assumed anyone would coldheartedly dig through my clothes and belongings to find hidden valuables -- especially with a Realtor onsite. I'm an emotional wreck over the loss of these precious sentimental keepsakes that I will never see again.

Please remind your readers whose homes are on the market to be smart and remove all valuables from the site before showings. -- DISILLUSIONED IN SAN MARCOS, CALIF.

DEAR DISILLUSIONED: I'm sorry you had to learn this lesson the hard way. It's unfortunate, but there are individuals who use open houses to case homes and loot items from trusting homeowners. That's why it's important to not only remove personal financial information, jewelry and other items of value to a secure location where they can't be pilfered, but also any prescription medications from bathrooms before a showing. Any stranger entering the house should sign a registration sheet and show identification before being shown around, and even then no one should be out of the real estate agent's line of sight at any time.

If your property has a "For Sale" sign in front and someone comes to the door, that person should be instructed to phone your agent for an appointment. And by the way, for their own safety, many agents now have a second person on hand so they're not alone in a house with strangers.

DEAR ABBY: My grandson, "Tom," who is in his mid-20s, has become caught up in a "love affair" with an unknown person on the Internet. He never dated during his teens, although his mother told me he once developed a crush on a girl who broke his heart when she rebuffed him.

Now Tom tells me he has found his "true love" online. He says she has told him she's unhappy in her marriage and would divorce her husband if she could afford to do so. I asked him how he could know it was really a woman and not some guy playing a joke on him. He answered, "Grandma, no one could say the things she says to me if she didn't really feel them in her heart."

How can I convince him that this may be nothing more than a cruel scam? -- WORRIED GRANDMA IN ILLINOIS

DEAR WORRIED: Your grandson appears to be naive, inexperienced, and unaware of how many people don't tell the whole truth about themselves online. Warn him that if "she" asks him for money to pay for her divorce that it could indeed be a scam. Remind him that even if it's not one, she is cheating on her husband by carrying on an emotional affair with him. And he shouldn't jump in with his whole heart until he knows with whom he's having the pleasure. But you can't safeguard him from being hurt regardless of how much you might wish to do so.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)