DEAR ABBY: My parents divorced 20 years ago. The court approved a mutual agreement that Dad would pay monthly alimony until Mom remarried or one of them died. He has never missed a payment.

I have recently discovered that Mom secretly married her live-in boyfriend 11 years ago, but has continued receiving the alimony without telling my father. Is she committing a crime for which she could be arrested? And is her husband guilty of any wrongdoing?

I am extremely upset over this and want to do something to correct this injustice. It isn't fair. What can I do? -- FURIOUS IN THE PACIFIC NORTHWEST

DEAR FURIOUS: Marriage certificates are public records, so get a copy of your mother's and mail it to your father. He needs to stop paying the alimony, and he can sue her in family court for any money she wasn't entitled to. His next move should be to consult an attorney and decide how he wants to handle this.

DEAR ABBY: I apparently have a problem communicating with people. I have had conversations with colleagues, managers, friends -- even my girlfriend -- and have been told my words were too harsh and made them feel defeated. It's at the point where people are afraid before I even open my mouth.

I don't mean to be cruel. I just speak the truth as it comes to me and I don't sugarcoat things. Some folks appreciate my candor, but it's getting in the way of having decent relationships. How do I learn to communicate differently when I'm just being myself? The words flow naturally out of my mouth. Am I a jerk? -- UNVARNISHED IN INGLEWOOD, CALIF.

DEAR UNVARNISHED: You may be grossly insensitive -- or you may have a disorder of some kind. (Forgive my candor.) Because you are having difficulty relating to others and it has become a handicap, you should discuss the problem with a psychologist who can help you to gain the tools for better communication.

DEAR ABBY: My wife has a friend who rides to work with her several times a week. My wife is helping "Libby" through a difficult financial time by taking her. The problem is, Libby wears very strong perfume and appears to bathe in it rather than use it sparingly.

The passenger seatbelt and shoulder harness in my wife's car have become saturated with this smell. I have reached the point that I don't want to ride in her car. My wife complains about it as well.

Would it be rude for my wife to ask Libby to cut back or eliminate the use of the perfume? I say we have that right, but my wife is afraid it wouldn't be polite. Please help. -- HOLDING MY NOSE IN FLORIDA

DEAR HOLDING YOUR NOSE: Many people are allergic to perfumes, and others develop a sensitivity after frequent exposure. It would not be rude for her to tell Libby that the lingering scent of her perfume has made you uncomfortable -- and that she should refrain from wearing it during the commute. (She can apply it at work and ride home with someone else.)

P.S. The car may have to be professionally cleaned and detailed to get rid of (most) of the smell. You have my sympathy.

DEAR ABBY: How can I forget and forgive my husband for his actions? It has been only a few months since I found out about his affairs -- which lasted over four months with three different women. One was more intense than the others. He says he has broken off all contact with them and is only with me now.

When I learned about the affairs, I had no information other than he was having one. Someone I didn't know told me, so I did not have much to go on. I have asked my husband some questions, but he refuses to answer them. He says I should let it go and move on, that my questions will lead to no good, and if I don't stop I'm going to push him away.

I think about what he has done and different scenarios daily and try to ignore the hurt, but it's hard. Should I ask questions, should he answer them, and will this pain ever go away? We are "trying," and I'm running mostly on love and the hope that our relationship will survive. -- IN PAIN IN PITTSBURGH

DEAR IN PAIN: Of course you should be asking questions because you have the right to know the answers. And if your husband is truly repentant, he should answer them. Your pain will persist unless you both have counseling to understand what triggered his four-month "fling." If he refuses to go, go without him.

Frankly, I am troubled by your statement that your husband is threatening you'll push him away if you pursue the answers you deserve. That doesn't appear to me to be the behavior of a contrite spouse.

�If you haven't already done so, see your physician and be tested for STDs. All of the emotions you're experiencing are normal, but whether your relationship will survive under the present circumstances is debatable.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a married woman in my 40s, raising a family. I work full-time doing a physical job outdoors and after work I'm often worn out.

My hobby is art. I have drawn and painted since I was very young. My problem is, I'm afraid to say no when relatives ask me to do arts and crafts for them. They even volunteer me to do projects for their friends. If money is offered, I usually turn it down.

The issue is the time involved. I'm stressed out. I drop everything when I get these requests, and I'm starting to feel overwhelmed and annoyed. I have to do these projects before and after my regular job and on weekends. My house and family get neglected. And because I can't devote the necessary time to the projects, I'm unhappy with the result.

I have dropped hints about how I'm tired after working a full-time job, but no one seems to care. How can I tell them I need a break without upsetting them? -- BURNED-OUT PICASSO

DEAR BURNED-OUT: You need to learn to say no. For a people-pleaser this can present a challenge, but in your case it should be followed with, "I'm too busy to take that on right now." You should also rethink your refusal to accept the offer of money. If you do, it will probably result in your being asked to do projects less often -- trust me on that.

Also consider this: If you turn your hobby into a little side business and charge for your talent, it may enable you to fund projects that will give you some of the psychic gratification you're missing.

DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Turned Off in Texas" (May 18) caught my attention. While I agree that putting a toilet brush in the dishwasher with the dishes was unexpected and off-putting -- we don't ever want to link the toilet with our food -- I think your answer showed a little overreaction. Running the dishes in another cycle should take care of any concerns as long as the water is hot.

Studies have shown that the inside of the average public toilet bowl is not as bacteria-laden as a public drinking fountain. Our disgust is emotional, not likely fact-based. As I told a colleague during his wife's baby shower, you have to believe in the power of soap and water or you won't survive parenthood.

While it's worthwhile for "Turned Off" to tell his stepdaughter that this practice is unacceptable to him, it is no reason not to eat at her house -- unless she'd not cooking food properly. -- FACTS OVER EMOTION IN MIAMI

DEAR FACTS: Thank you for your letter. Frankly, I was as grossed out by what "Turned Off" saw his stepdaughter do as he was. So it surprised me to find that many of my readers weren't as affected by the "ew" factor. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: It's possible that what "Turned Off" perceived to be a toilet brush was never used for cleaning a toilet. I bought a brand-new toilet scrubber to keep under the kitchen sink. I use it only for cleaning the garbage disposal. Afterward, I wash it in the sink, not the dishwasher. Let's give the stepdaughter the benefit of the doubt. Things are not always what they appear to be. -- NOT DISGUSTED IN ARCADIA, CALIF.

DEAR ABBY: I can top the letter from the gentleman who said his stepdaughter, after cleaning his house when his wife fell ill, put the toilet brush in the dishwasher. My daughter has a close friend who told her she and her husband put the cat's litterbox in the dishwasher when they want to clean it. I was mortified, as was my daughter. You'd never guess it -- she's an otherwise clean-appearing person. Well, needless to say, we no longer eat at this woman's home. -- ANONYMOUS IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR ABBY: I clean houses for a living and I thought it was a smart way to wash that scrubber. The dishwasher uses scalding hot water that kills all germs. In addition, most toilet cleansers contain bleach, so there is little chance germs could survive on the brush. If you're still concerned, you could run it through the dishwasher separately. -- TERESA IN TENNESSEE

DEAR ABBY: I am a retired doctor. I have been in the Army, slept in the woods and eaten three-day-old food -- so I know a little bit about germs. The hot water and soap will take care of any bacteria on the brush. (It's unaesthetic, but not unsanitary.) The brush will be as clean as your hands are when you wash them after using the toilet. I would be happy to eat off the plates that came out of that dishwasher. -- DR. M. IN NAPLES, FLA.

DEAR ABBY: We bought a new toilet seat a few years back, and on the instructions it stated that it was "dishwasher safe." That made me think at the time, "Who in their right mind would remove a toilet seat in order to run it through the dishwasher, and why would they want to?" -- L.O.L. IN ANDERSON, S.C.