DEAR ABBY: My parents divorced 20 years ago. The court approved a mutual agreement that Dad would pay monthly alimony until Mom remarried or one of them died. He has never missed a payment.

I have recently discovered that Mom secretly married her live-in boyfriend 11 years ago, but has continued receiving the alimony without telling my father. Is she committing a crime for which she could be arrested? And is her husband guilty of any wrongdoing?

I am extremely upset over this and want to do something to correct this injustice. It isn't fair. What can I do? -- FURIOUS IN THE PACIFIC NORTHWEST

DEAR FURIOUS: Marriage certificates are public records, so get a copy of your mother's and mail it to your father. He needs to stop paying the alimony, and he can sue her in family court for any money she wasn't entitled to. His next move should be to consult an attorney and decide how he wants to handle this.

DEAR ABBY: I apparently have a problem communicating with people. I have had conversations with colleagues, managers, friends -- even my girlfriend -- and have been told my words were too harsh and made them feel defeated. It's at the point where people are afraid before I even open my mouth.

I don't mean to be cruel. I just speak the truth as it comes to me and I don't sugarcoat things. Some folks appreciate my candor, but it's getting in the way of having decent relationships. How do I learn to communicate differently when I'm just being myself? The words flow naturally out of my mouth. Am I a jerk? -- UNVARNISHED IN INGLEWOOD, CALIF.

DEAR UNVARNISHED: You may be grossly insensitive -- or you may have a disorder of some kind. (Forgive my candor.) Because you are having difficulty relating to others and it has become a handicap, you should discuss the problem with a psychologist who can help you to gain the tools for better communication.

DEAR ABBY: My wife has a friend who rides to work with her several times a week. My wife is helping "Libby" through a difficult financial time by taking her. The problem is, Libby wears very strong perfume and appears to bathe in it rather than use it sparingly.

The passenger seatbelt and shoulder harness in my wife's car have become saturated with this smell. I have reached the point that I don't want to ride in her car. My wife complains about it as well.

Would it be rude for my wife to ask Libby to cut back or eliminate the use of the perfume? I say we have that right, but my wife is afraid it wouldn't be polite. Please help. -- HOLDING MY NOSE IN FLORIDA

DEAR HOLDING YOUR NOSE: Many people are allergic to perfumes, and others develop a sensitivity after frequent exposure. It would not be rude for her to tell Libby that the lingering scent of her perfume has made you uncomfortable -- and that she should refrain from wearing it during the commute. (She can apply it at work and ride home with someone else.)

P.S. The car may have to be professionally cleaned and detailed to get rid of (most) of the smell. You have my sympathy.

DEAR ABBY: Has the marriage proposal become an invited ceremony like the wedding, or am I out of touch?

A few months ago friends and family were invited to a beach near Seattle for the proposal. Our grandson and his live-in went for a short seaplane ride. The plane returned, beached and the couple got out. Then, surrounded by the throng on the sand -- and videotaped -- grandson proposed on bended knee and she, of course, accepted.

Because we did not attend, my daughter is still not speaking to us. The young couple will fly to Maui in a few months for the wedding. We are among the invited, but the trip is too much for us. Your comments, please. -- BAFFLED IN BRUNSWICK, MAINE

DEAR BAFFLED: I have heard of brides getting carried away and turning their wedding ceremony into the equivalent of a stage production, but this is the first time I have heard about a mother of the groom issuing a command performance for the proposal. Heaven only knows what she's planning for the birth of their first child.

DEAR ABBY: I am with a man who treats me and my kids great. He is kind, caring and very generous. I trust him. However, I have been in a couple of bad relationships. For some reason, I'm drawn to "bad" boys. I'm not sure if I really love this man because there is no "spark." None!

Should I stay with someone who is a really great person and treats me good -- but there is no passion -- and learn to live with it, or do I end the relationship? -- NOT SURE WHAT TO DO IN CANADA

DEAR NOT SURE: You might as well end the relationship now because sooner or later you will become bored and it will end anyway. The man you're seeing deserves to have someone who fully appreciates what he has to offer, which you seem unable to do. Continue dating "bad boys" until you finally stop confusing anxiety and disappointment with excitement. You appear to be one of those women who has to learn what's important through pain. You have my sympathy.

DEAR ABBY: My husband (second marriage) keeps in touch with his ex-wife. At one point, it was several times a day. I expressed my concerns to him and told him I didn't like it and saw no need for it. It stopped -- but only for a while. I know, because I check his call and text log.

I know I shouldn't do that, but recently I found some text messages saying, "Sorry I haven't called you." That's not what's bothering me, though. It's how they signed off. She writes, "Love you," and he writes, "Love you mostest!"

Abby, that's what he says to me. How do I talk to him about this? I snooped. -- SNOOPED ON THE EAST COAST

DEAR SNOOPED: I don't blame you for feeling hurt and threatened by this. Almost any woman would. When he's in a relaxed mood and you can talk without interruption, ask him if he is still in love with his ex-wife. If he says no, ask why he feels the need to remain in communication with her and why he's telling her he loves her "mostest." Expect him to go on the attack because you snooped. But you wouldn't have done it if your intuition hadn't made you feel insecure. And it turns out you were right.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: How can I forget and forgive my husband for his actions? It has been only a few months since I found out about his affairs -- which lasted over four months with three different women. One was more intense than the others. He says he has broken off all contact with them and is only with me now.

When I learned about the affairs, I had no information other than he was having one. Someone I didn't know told me, so I did not have much to go on. I have asked my husband some questions, but he refuses to answer them. He says I should let it go and move on, that my questions will lead to no good, and if I don't stop I'm going to push him away.

I think about what he has done and different scenarios daily and try to ignore the hurt, but it's hard. Should I ask questions, should he answer them, and will this pain ever go away? We are "trying," and I'm running mostly on love and the hope that our relationship will survive. -- IN PAIN IN PITTSBURGH

DEAR IN PAIN: Of course you should be asking questions because you have the right to know the answers. And if your husband is truly repentant, he should answer them. Your pain will persist unless you both have counseling to understand what triggered his four-month "fling." If he refuses to go, go without him.

Frankly, I am troubled by your statement that your husband is threatening you'll push him away if you pursue the answers you deserve. That doesn't appear to me to be the behavior of a contrite spouse.

�If you haven't already done so, see your physician and be tested for STDs. All of the emotions you're experiencing are normal, but whether your relationship will survive under the present circumstances is debatable.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a married woman in my 40s, raising a family. I work full-time doing a physical job outdoors and after work I'm often worn out.

My hobby is art. I have drawn and painted since I was very young. My problem is, I'm afraid to say no when relatives ask me to do arts and crafts for them. They even volunteer me to do projects for their friends. If money is offered, I usually turn it down.

The issue is the time involved. I'm stressed out. I drop everything when I get these requests, and I'm starting to feel overwhelmed and annoyed. I have to do these projects before and after my regular job and on weekends. My house and family get neglected. And because I can't devote the necessary time to the projects, I'm unhappy with the result.

I have dropped hints about how I'm tired after working a full-time job, but no one seems to care. How can I tell them I need a break without upsetting them? -- BURNED-OUT PICASSO

DEAR BURNED-OUT: You need to learn to say no. For a people-pleaser this can present a challenge, but in your case it should be followed with, "I'm too busy to take that on right now." You should also rethink your refusal to accept the offer of money. If you do, it will probably result in your being asked to do projects less often -- trust me on that.

Also consider this: If you turn your hobby into a little side business and charge for your talent, it may enable you to fund projects that will give you some of the psychic gratification you're missing.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)