DEAR ABBY: How can I forget and forgive my husband for his actions? It has been only a few months since I found out about his affairs -- which lasted over four months with three different women. One was more intense than the others. He says he has broken off all contact with them and is only with me now.

When I learned about the affairs, I had no information other than he was having one. Someone I didn't know told me, so I did not have much to go on. I have asked my husband some questions, but he refuses to answer them. He says I should let it go and move on, that my questions will lead to no good, and if I don't stop I'm going to push him away.

I think about what he has done and different scenarios daily and try to ignore the hurt, but it's hard. Should I ask questions, should he answer them, and will this pain ever go away? We are "trying," and I'm running mostly on love and the hope that our relationship will survive. -- IN PAIN IN PITTSBURGH

DEAR IN PAIN: Of course you should be asking questions because you have the right to know the answers. And if your husband is truly repentant, he should answer them. Your pain will persist unless you both have counseling to understand what triggered his four-month "fling." If he refuses to go, go without him.

Frankly, I am troubled by your statement that your husband is threatening you'll push him away if you pursue the answers you deserve. That doesn't appear to me to be the behavior of a contrite spouse.

�If you haven't already done so, see your physician and be tested for STDs. All of the emotions you're experiencing are normal, but whether your relationship will survive under the present circumstances is debatable.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a married woman in my 40s, raising a family. I work full-time doing a physical job outdoors and after work I'm often worn out.

My hobby is art. I have drawn and painted since I was very young. My problem is, I'm afraid to say no when relatives ask me to do arts and crafts for them. They even volunteer me to do projects for their friends. If money is offered, I usually turn it down.

The issue is the time involved. I'm stressed out. I drop everything when I get these requests, and I'm starting to feel overwhelmed and annoyed. I have to do these projects before and after my regular job and on weekends. My house and family get neglected. And because I can't devote the necessary time to the projects, I'm unhappy with the result.

I have dropped hints about how I'm tired after working a full-time job, but no one seems to care. How can I tell them I need a break without upsetting them? -- BURNED-OUT PICASSO

DEAR BURNED-OUT: You need to learn to say no. For a people-pleaser this can present a challenge, but in your case it should be followed with, "I'm too busy to take that on right now." You should also rethink your refusal to accept the offer of money. If you do, it will probably result in your being asked to do projects less often -- trust me on that.

Also consider this: If you turn your hobby into a little side business and charge for your talent, it may enable you to fund projects that will give you some of the psychic gratification you're missing.

DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Turned Off in Texas" (May 18) caught my attention. While I agree that putting a toilet brush in the dishwasher with the dishes was unexpected and off-putting -- we don't ever want to link the toilet with our food -- I think your answer showed a little overreaction. Running the dishes in another cycle should take care of any concerns as long as the water is hot.

Studies have shown that the inside of the average public toilet bowl is not as bacteria-laden as a public drinking fountain. Our disgust is emotional, not likely fact-based. As I told a colleague during his wife's baby shower, you have to believe in the power of soap and water or you won't survive parenthood.

While it's worthwhile for "Turned Off" to tell his stepdaughter that this practice is unacceptable to him, it is no reason not to eat at her house -- unless she'd not cooking food properly. -- FACTS OVER EMOTION IN MIAMI

DEAR FACTS: Thank you for your letter. Frankly, I was as grossed out by what "Turned Off" saw his stepdaughter do as he was. So it surprised me to find that many of my readers weren't as affected by the "ew" factor. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: It's possible that what "Turned Off" perceived to be a toilet brush was never used for cleaning a toilet. I bought a brand-new toilet scrubber to keep under the kitchen sink. I use it only for cleaning the garbage disposal. Afterward, I wash it in the sink, not the dishwasher. Let's give the stepdaughter the benefit of the doubt. Things are not always what they appear to be. -- NOT DISGUSTED IN ARCADIA, CALIF.

DEAR ABBY: I can top the letter from the gentleman who said his stepdaughter, after cleaning his house when his wife fell ill, put the toilet brush in the dishwasher. My daughter has a close friend who told her she and her husband put the cat's litterbox in the dishwasher when they want to clean it. I was mortified, as was my daughter. You'd never guess it -- she's an otherwise clean-appearing person. Well, needless to say, we no longer eat at this woman's home. -- ANONYMOUS IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR ABBY: I clean houses for a living and I thought it was a smart way to wash that scrubber. The dishwasher uses scalding hot water that kills all germs. In addition, most toilet cleansers contain bleach, so there is little chance germs could survive on the brush. If you're still concerned, you could run it through the dishwasher separately. -- TERESA IN TENNESSEE

DEAR ABBY: I am a retired doctor. I have been in the Army, slept in the woods and eaten three-day-old food -- so I know a little bit about germs. The hot water and soap will take care of any bacteria on the brush. (It's unaesthetic, but not unsanitary.) The brush will be as clean as your hands are when you wash them after using the toilet. I would be happy to eat off the plates that came out of that dishwasher. -- DR. M. IN NAPLES, FLA.

DEAR ABBY: We bought a new toilet seat a few years back, and on the instructions it stated that it was "dishwasher safe." That made me think at the time, "Who in their right mind would remove a toilet seat in order to run it through the dishwasher, and why would they want to?" -- L.O.L. IN ANDERSON, S.C.

DEAR ABBY: I am a divorcee and happy with my life. I'm healthy, have a great job, wonderful grown children, many good friends and several hobbies I enjoy. I'm busy and every day is full.

My issue is the way some people treat the fact that I'm "solo." When they see me, they ask whether I have a man in my life yet, and when I say I don't, they look downcast and offer me their sympathy.

Please tell your readers that for a woman to be solo isn't a tragedy. Certainly, I hope one day to meet someone wonderful to share my life with, but until then I'm happy to be on my own. I'm doing great and I don't like people treating me as if my being single is some sort of failure. -- PARTY OF ONE IN WISCONSIN

DEAR PARTY OF ONE: If I had to wager, I would bet the people you've described are older. For people in their generation there was social and economic pressure to couple up and be married. With more women completing their education and earning enough to live well on their own, there is less of that pressure today.

I'm passing your message along, but try to remember that the folks you're encountering mean well -- even if their way of expressing it is outdated and clumsy.

DEAR ABBY: A new church member joined our group. She's the nicest, most generous, genuinely kind person, and she is loved and appreciated by all.

The problem is, she reeks with an awful body odor. She breeds dogs, and the smell is ingrained in her clothing, hair, car, etc. She always volunteers to work in the kitchen, and yesterday she did -- in spite of my having politely told her we had enough volunteers. Many of the people didn't want what she touched, including me. How should we approach telling her about her body odor without offending or hurting her? -- CONFUSED CHRISTIAN IN DETROIT

DEAR CONFUSED CHRISTIAN: The woman's strong body odor may be because of poor hygiene or her profession, but it could also be a symptom of illness. Someone should talk to her about it. To do so would be doing her a favor and not hurtful. The person I'm nominating for that job would be your minister.

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating a man I'll call Eugene for many years. We have both been married before and we both have children. We're engaged, but if I marry him, I know I will never be No. 1 in his life. His children and family will always come first.

I don't know what his former wife did to him, but shouldn't your spouse rank somewhere at the top? I have a lot of time invested in this relationship. His children have no connection with me at all. This doesn't bother Eugene. It bothers me greatly. Can these types of issues be worked out? -- FRIEND WITHOUT BENEFITS

DEAR FRIEND: Yes, if you and Eugene are willing to admit there are issues that need to be worked out and are willing to get premarital counseling. While Eugene's children -- and yours -- might always come first, if you are going to have a successful marriage you should rank right up there with them. While you may never have an emotional tie with his children, you deserve to be treated with the same kindness and respect that you give them. And if that's not happening, Eugene should insist upon it.

CONFIDENTIAL TO MY READERS: Happy Fourth of July, everyone!