DEAR ABBY: My best friend, "Beth," has finally found her "Mr. Right" after almost 35 years of singlehood. She is being married soon and I am thrilled for her. Over the last 15 years, I have been her sounding board. I have been through every date, every kiss, every heartbreak and every broken engagement with a string of men.

Beth has invited me to the wedding, but she hasn't asked me to stand up for her. Because we live 2,000 miles apart, we talk frequently on the phone and I keep waiting for her to ask, but she never brings up the subject. It's like the elephant in the living room. Beth knows I can afford the trip, so money isn't a concern. Should I tell her my feelings are hurt or ask her who is going to stand up for her? Or should I follow my husband's advice and just "let it go"? -- BROKEN-HEARTED FRIEND IN OREGON

DEAR BROKEN-HEARTED FRIEND: You may be close friends with Beth, but it's presumptuous to expect you have the right to dictate who should be in her wedding party. Please don't lay a guilt trip on her by saying your feelings are hurt. A better way to have your question answered would be to ask who they plan to have in their wedding party. Then once you have your answer, take your husband's advice. Let it go and don't let it destroy a long-term relationship.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Eric," has a fear of heights. He doesn't like glass elevators, never uses hotel balconies or drives on winding mountain roads. His parents were the same way.

The problem is he won't allow our young daughter to stand on the balcony, and he recently cut down our favorite mature tree because he was afraid our little girl would fall out of it. How can I stop my husband from passing on his phobia to our daughter? I have been patient with him, but cutting down the tree told me he has gone off the deep end. Please help. -- RATIONAL WIFE

DEAR RATIONAL WIFE: A phobia is defined as "an inexplicable or illogical fear of a particular object, class of objects or situation." There's nothing illogical about keeping a small child off a balcony or out of a tall tree. However, cutting down the tree was an overreaction.

As much as Eric loves the child, he can't protect her from everything he perceives as a possible danger. He could have accomplished his goal of keeping her safe by impressing upon her that tree-climbing is dangerous -- something that's off-limits -- and explaining exactly why.

DEAR ABBY: I have been working as a waitress for many years. Some of my past employers have had policies regarding discussing our tips. My current job has no such policy.

One of my co-workers likes to let everyone know how much he earns. I don't hear anyone else announcing their tips. Someone will always make less, and won't find it helpful having it confirmed out loud.

I don't know how to let my co-worker know this without seeming like I'm being critical. Your advice would be appreciated. -- WAITRESS IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR WAITRESS: It's never a good idea to brag about money because it can create resentment among co-workers. Because your restaurant has no policy regarding this, speak to the manager about establishing one. Or, post this column on the employee bulletin board for all to see.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 22-year-old senior in college. Much of college social life revolves around alcohol. I have no problem drinking responsibly, but I take medication that prohibits me from imbibing alcohol.

Strangers and friends often ask, "Why aren't you drinking?" They either assume it's for religious reasons or I'm uptight. Saying I'm on meds seems like a bit of a buzz-kill.

This is particularly troublesome when I'm invited "out for drinks" at a bar. I never know what to order or say. I hate feeling like I'm obligated to drink, but I don't want to pass on events because of the awkward questions.

What's a quick reply I can give to those who ask why I don't drink? And how can I go out for drinks without actually drinking? -- STILL SOCIABLE AT STANFORD

DEAR STILL SOCIABLE: Order a "virgin" whatever you're being offered. There are many reasons why people don't drink. Among them: They don't like the taste, they don't like the buzz, the empty calories, they're allergic, they don't want to risk a traffic violation with alcohol in their system, or they never started drinking in the first place. To imbibe or not is a personal choice. It's OK to be different. And if you're challenged, it's perfectly fine to just say, "No thanks!"

DEAR ABBY: We live in a very nice neighborhood frequented by walkers and runners. For the second time in just a few months, several women who regularly walk past our home have approached me at neighborhood events to ask about items I can only think were found in our recycling bin. Specifically, how did I like a particular brand of pasta sauce, or would I recommend that bottle of chardonnay?

Abby, our recycling bins have lids and our bin is never left open, which means these women must be peeking inside to check out our eating and drinking habits. I am now so self-conscious about our recycling I have begun burying bottles and cans under the newspaper and watching the bin to catch them in the act. My husband suggested leaving a nasty note on top of our recyclables. Any suggestions? -- FOR OUR EYES ONLY IN MILWAUKEE

DEAR EYES ONLY: Once garbage is put out for collection it is no longer private property. A certain celebrity was embarrassed to learn this firsthand when some paparazzi rooted through her garbage and discovered to their glee some empty containers of meds to treat a private health matter.

It's possible the walkers are just trying to be friendly and strike up a conversation. But if your suspicions are correct, there are several ways to handle the situation. The first would be to delay putting out your recyclables until just before they are to be collected. Another would be to visit a novelty shop and pick up some fake hands or feet -- or a large rubber rat -- and place . them strategically in one of your bins. Or, affix "sweet" Post-It notes to your jars and bottles reading, "This was great!" or, "Don't waste your money ..."

If that doesn't discourage them from inventorying your trash, then there's always the direct approach. Respond with, "Why do you ask?" And when they tell you, let them know how you feel about their answer.

DEAR ABBY: I'm writing because I'm afraid I will never be able to have a normal, healthy relationship with a man. Until recently, I was the victim of a physically, verbally and sexually abusive father. Now I find myself unable to speak around even the most nonthreatening boy.

At even the slightest hint of aggression or anger I flinch and run away. I'm afraid I will never escape the shadow of what he did to me. What should I do? -- SHY AND BATTERED IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR SHY AND BATTERED: For you to move from victim to survivor will take professional help. Few people are able to completely overcome the abuse you have experienced on their own. A good first step would be to contact R.A.I.N.N., the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network. Its website is www.rainn.org and its toll-free phone number is 800-656-4673. The counselors there can guide you in finding help to repair your life.

Men like your father belong behind bars, where they can't hurt helpless children. If he would sexually and physically abuse you, no child is safe around him. If there are minors still living with your parents, the police should be notified about what he did to you so they can be rescued.

DEAR ABBY: I have been happily married for six years. My husband is kind, caring and honest. Our only problem involves jewelry. I'm not very good at wearing my wedding ring every day. I can be forgetful and clumsy, and I have misplaced it, almost dropped it down the drain, etc. I have tried wearing it around my neck, but it just gets in the way.

My husband wears his ring every day and says he doesn't mind if I don't wear mine because he trusts me. My problem is other people. My co-workers are suspicious. My family thinks it's "strange." Men have hit on me, and when I politely told them I'm married, they became angry and asked where my ring is.

Abby, I don't do or say anything to lead people on, and I often mention that I'm happily married. I'm becoming frustrated and have even considered getting a tattoo on my ring finger so that people know I'm married. My husband says not to let it bother me; that he doesn't care about what others think. Any suggestions? -- NO RING ON IT, COLUMBIA, MO.

DEAR NO RING ON IT: I do not recommend getting your finger tattooed to allay your co-workers' suspicions or because some fool becomes angry that you don't welcome his advances. My recommendation is to listen to the secure, mature man you married and stop worrying so much about what other people think.

DEAR ABBY: My wife makes snarky comments to our extremely nice daughter-in-law. Our son finally had enough and has issued an ultimatum to his mother: Either change her ways or she won't be able to see their child.

Our first grandchild is due soon. Has our son gone too far? What can this grandpa-to-be do when Grandma-to-be claims she "doesn't care," even though I know she's lying to herself? -- NOT FAIR TO ME IN SAN JOSE

DEAR NOT FAIR TO YOU: Has your son said that you won't be welcome to visit your grandchild? If not, I'm sure you will be welcome minus his mother. I respect your son for drawing the line and insisting his wife be treated with respect, which his mother hasn't been doing. Because you can't control her behavior or her mouth, invest in cartons of tissue because I predict she'll be needing a lot of them when the baby arrives and she's sitting by herself, persona non grata.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)