DEAR ABBY: I'm writing because I'm afraid I will never be able to have a normal, healthy relationship with a man. Until recently, I was the victim of a physically, verbally and sexually abusive father. Now I find myself unable to speak around even the most nonthreatening boy.

At even the slightest hint of aggression or anger I flinch and run away. I'm afraid I will never escape the shadow of what he did to me. What should I do? -- SHY AND BATTERED IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR SHY AND BATTERED: For you to move from victim to survivor will take professional help. Few people are able to completely overcome the abuse you have experienced on their own. A good first step would be to contact R.A.I.N.N., the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network. Its website is www.rainn.org and its toll-free phone number is 800-656-4673. The counselors there can guide you in finding help to repair your life.

Men like your father belong behind bars, where they can't hurt helpless children. If he would sexually and physically abuse you, no child is safe around him. If there are minors still living with your parents, the police should be notified about what he did to you so they can be rescued.

DEAR ABBY: My wife makes snarky comments to our extremely nice daughter-in-law. Our son finally had enough and has issued an ultimatum to his mother: Either change her ways or she won't be able to see their child.

Our first grandchild is due soon. Has our son gone too far? What can this grandpa-to-be do when Grandma-to-be claims she "doesn't care," even though I know she's lying to herself? -- NOT FAIR TO ME IN SAN JOSE

DEAR NOT FAIR TO YOU: Has your son said that you won't be welcome to visit your grandchild? If not, I'm sure you will be welcome minus his mother. I respect your son for drawing the line and insisting his wife be treated with respect, which his mother hasn't been doing. Because you can't control her behavior or her mouth, invest in cartons of tissue because I predict she'll be needing a lot of them when the baby arrives and she's sitting by herself, persona non grata.

DEAR READERS: On May 18, I printed a letter from a young woman who had been invited to a friend's lingerie shower. "Bringing a Blender in Montana" was uncomfortable with the idea of purchasing intimate apparel for the bride-to-be, so I suggested she bring a "high-necked flannel nightgown." When I asked you readers to offer other gift suggestions, you responded with an avalanche of terrific responses. Thanks to all for your clever suggestions. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: One of the most unique bridal shower gifts I received was a set of pillowcases. Both cases had one side that read "YES" in big red letters. The reverse side of the bride's case said, "Not tonight, I have a headache." The other side of the groom's case read, "I have the aspirin." -- PILLOW TALK 26 YEARS LATER

DEAR ABBY: "Bringing" could give her friend a set of cooking spices to "keep the spice in their marriage." The card should read: "Let your fantasies go wild when you have the 'thyme'!" -- SPICE GIRL IN STOCKTON, CALIF.

DEAR ABBY: For my granddaughter's lingerie shower, I gave her a generous check, a pair of men's dress socks and a note saying the socks were to replace the ones she'd knock off him when he saw her in one of her beautiful nightgowns. It elicited many chuckles from the guests.� -- STILL KNOCKIN' HIS SOCKS OFF

DEAR ABBY: I was given a gift basket, which included body lotion, bath salts, candles, chocolates and a romantic DVD. I enjoyed the gift basket more than the lingerie. -- JUDY IN RAWLINS, WYO.

DEAR ABBY: We had a "useful utensil party" for my future sister-in-law. I gave her a nutcracker. -- DEBBIE IN ALBION, CALIF.

DEAR ABBY: When I attended my granddaughter's bridal shower, I wrapped some fig leaves with her gift and joked about her wearing them in case her closet ran short. She responded with, "Gramma!" It surprised her, but it brought a lot of laughs. -- GRAMMA ON THE WEST COAST

DEAR ABBY: Lovely camisoles or slips, special mesh bags for washing fine items, scented lingerie detergent or pretty new slippers are all acceptable and appreciated gifts for starting married life. -- DIANNE IN CARLISLE, PA.

DEAR ABBY: As a gag gift, she could give them a bottle of aspirin and some good reading material ... -- BEEN THERE IN ILLINOIS

DEAR ABBY: Four silk scarves, a leather whip and a can of whipped cream. This is all done in fun! -- HAVING A GOOD TIME IN THE EAST

DEAR ABBY: My dad said it didn't matter what my sister wore on her wedding night. She could wear a burlap sack and her husband would be happy. One of my aunts took his idea and made a burlap sack "nightie," complete with lace at the neckline and hem. My sister, who has a wonderful sense of humor, wore it on her wedding night. I'm sure it provided a good laugh and a fun way to end their wedding day. -- HER BIG SISTER

DEAR ABBY: Packaged in a beautifully wrapped, fairly large box was one lace-and-ribbon bow with a note saying, "Wear only this on your wedding night." -- WITH LOVE FROM GRANDMA

DEAR ABBY: My in-laws were married in 1940. She was 17; he was 19. For her shower, my mother-in-law received a beautiful full-length nightgown with fur trim around the bottom added by the giver. The card read: "To keep your neck warm." -- IRENE IN ELIDA, OHIO

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 16-year-old gangbanger looking at spending the rest of my life isolated in a little bird cage. Every day I ask myself the same question. Was it really worth throwing my life away? All I did was help a "homeboy" from getting hurt. I got caught and was convicted on eight charges that led to more than four consecutive life sentences. That ain't no joke! The sad part of it is that the so-called homeboy turned his back on me when I needed him most. I should've pulled away when I could've.

The main reason for this letter is to help parents and teens like myself who are choosing the wrong path to realize what you're getting into while there is still time. Tell parents out there, if you see your kid is messing up in school, using drugs, hanging with the wrong crowd, anything that would lead to gang affiliation, reach out and help them while you still can before they're in too deep. They (teens) turn toward gang life in search of the love they need from their family. Or they want to fit in and be cool.

To all the gangbangers who think you're cool and being a gangster, get away from it while you still can. It may be fun at the moment, but it's not when you get caught and you have to spend the rest of your life behind bars. There's better things to do in life than hang around all day frying your brain from all the drugs and alcohol. Trust me, when you're behind bars thinking about what you did, you'll be missing your family the most. You think your homeboys are going to be there for you? Well, let me tell you this ... they're not! I guarantee you that the only people who are actually willing to change places with you are your parents. Your real family. Do you think your homeboys want to do time for you? Hell, no!

I hope this letter helps some people out there. I just want to make a contribution to society before I get locked up in the dungeon forever. This is to show you not all gangbangers are evil and cruel. Life is short. Live it smart, not stupid. Now I can finally answer the question I ask myself, "Was it all worth it?" The money, the girls and all the material things go faster than you think and could all be taken away with the snap of a finger from the split second of a decision you make. It's not worth your life. -- HOMESICK HOMEBOY

DEAR HOMESICK: You write well and your letter contains a powerful message. I'm printing it without editing. Let your experience be a warning to others. I hope from the sad circumstances of your life some other young person will realize that a gang is a poor substitute for a family and the path to success does not stop at the street corner.

If a troubled young person is in school, he or she should talk to a counselor. If there is a church nearby, talk to a priest or minister. There are alternatives to joining a gang, but you need to reach out.

DEAR ABBY: Last week a dear friend, Betty, passed away. She was a former neighbor and the kindest, gentlest, most patient soul I ever met. Although she was twice my age, we became good friends -- proof that age knows no boundaries.

Two days after Betty died, I was on a work break. I had been thinking about her all morning and how she had influenced my life. Just then I saw a penny on the floor and picked it up. It was a 1992 penny -- the year Betty and I first met. I knew right then it was a message from her letting me know she is OK. I'll carry that penny with me always in remembrance of her.

Abby, this letter is my tribute to her, and a reminder to all who read it: Cherish your friends. You never know how long they -- or you -- will be around. -- TOM IN SANTA MARIA, CALIF.

DEAR TOM: That's true. And it's why we should make the most of every day and spend each one wisely.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)