DEAR ABBY: I'm writing you about a disgusting, rude and, in my opinion, obscene habit -- the bride and groom shoving wedding cake in each other's faces. The couple are all dressed up in their beautiful finery. They have a wonderful ceremony and a perfect reception table. How rude and insensitive to the person he or she has just promised before God to love, honor and cherish -- not to mention disrespectful.

What do you think of this "custom," and do you agree with me? -- FAITHFUL LITTLE ROCK READER

DEAR FAITHFUL: I do agree with you. The cake-in-the-face custom should have been retired at least 50 years ago. The significance of the "ritual" is extremely demeaning to women.

According to the book "Curious Customs" by Tad Tuleja (Stonesong Press, 1987): "The cake-cutting at modern weddings is a four-step comedic ritual that sustains masculine prerogatives in the very act of supposedly subverting them.

"... in the first step of the comedy, the groom helps direct the bride's hand -- a symbolic demonstration of male control that was unnecessary in the days of more tractable women. She accepts this gesture and, as a further proof of submissiveness, performs the second step of the ritual, offering him the first bite of cake, the gustatory equivalent of her body, which he will have the right to 'partake of' later.

"In the third step, the master-servant relationship is temporarily upset, as the bride mischievously pushes the cake into her new husband's face. ... Significantly, this act of revolt is performed in a childish fashion, and the groom is able to endure it without losing face because it ironically demonstrates his superiority: His bride is an imp needing supervision.

"That the bride herself accepts this view of this is demonstrated in the ritual's final step, in which she wipes the goo apologetically from his face. This brings the play back to the beginning, as she is once again obedient to his wiser judgment. Thus, the entire tableau may be seen as a dramatization of the tensions in favor of the dominance of the male."

DEAR ABBY: After 24 years of a committed relationship with my boyfriend, "Jesse" -- who I thought was my knight in shining armor -- I have decided to end it because he doesn't want to marry me or have children with me. We're in our 40s now and have dated since high school. We don't live together.

If I leave Jesse, I know I'll be broken-hearted, but there's another man, "Pete," I have known almost my entire life, who has made it clear he'd like to be more than friends. I have recently found myself becoming more and more attracted to him.

Should I allow the friendship with Pete to develop into an intimate one, or could it spell disaster? -- MIXED UP IN MONTANA

DEAR MIXED UP: Because Jesse refuses to make a commitment, you're right to end the romance. Frankly, I'm surprised you hung on as long as you have. However, before becoming intimate with Pete, be sure you clearly understand what he means by "more than friends," or you could wind up in another long-term relationship that's headed nowhere. See him for a while and find out if he's serious and whether your values and goals are similar. And if he's not The One, recognize it and keep moving on.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

DEAR ABBY: I am a teenage girl and my family is important to me. I really wish I could treat them better. My mom and I always fight. She says little things and I get mad at her. I feel bad for snapping at her and my sisters all the time because I really want them to know how much they mean to me. They are the best family you could ever get, and I just push them away.

Mom is going through a lot of health problems, and I know my being mean won't help her get better. Abby, help me, please. -- TEENAGE GIRL IN OHIO

DEAR TEENAGE GIRL: The first thing you need to remember is that because your mother is experiencing health problems, she may not be at her best -- which is why she says some of those "little things" that make you angry. Before you react and take them personally, you need to remind yourself that she may be having a bad day.

When you are upset and under stress, you should not take it out on your sisters. A better way to cope would be, rather than saying something hurtful, to leave the room or take a walk and organize your thoughts. You'll then be better able to communicate your feelings in a rational way and avoid a fight.

Please try it. These are skills that take practice, but if you master them they will serve you for a lifetime. Now, go hug your mother, tell her you love her and apologize.

DEAR ABBY: I am extremely overweight (5-foot-6 and 331 pounds). I am 38 years old, and the weight is now catching up with me. It hurts to get up in the morning. My knees hurt walking up the stairs, and I can't bear to look at myself (to the point that I will not go out except to work). I have started to pull away from my family.

"Just lose the weight"? Easier said than done! I lost 110 pounds, then gained it back and more. I don't know who to turn to, but I know I need help. -- TOO BIG TO ENJOY LIFE

DEAR TOO BIG: I'm glad you wrote, because I'm going to recommend a multi-pronged approach. The first person to contact is your physician, and tell him or her that you are ready to take off the weight and you need help. Then ask for a referral to a psychologist, to help you understand the emotional reasons you have put on so much weight, and also an American Dietetic Association-registered nutritionist who can help you craft a healthy eating program that works for you.

You will also have to make some lifestyle changes, but they will save your life. And remember, losing weight will take time. You didn't put it on overnight; it won't come off overnight. But by writing to me you have already taken your first step in the right direction, and I'm urging you to continue moving down the same path.

DEAR ABBY: We are stumped about how to handle a situation with our grandchildren. Is it OK to set different rules in our home than they have in their own home?

We are inclined to limit running or wrestling indoors, but our daughter (their mother) doesn't feel that's necessary. At different times both children have been injured or gotten into trouble that could have been avoided by having a "no running or wrestling inside" rule. Is it our place to establish rules for our home? -- CONCERNED IN TEXAS

DEAR C.I.T.: Absolutely, and without question it is your place to establish the rules of conduct in your household!

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Ed," and I have been together for six years, married for two. This is the second marriage for both of us. We have children from our first marriages.

Ed works offshore. He's gone 21 days and here 21 days. The three weeks he's gone, I work, take care of the house and the kids, do the yard work, etc. When he comes home, I want him to myself the first weekend -- I don't want to share him with his friends. I'd like to do fun things with him sometimes, just the two of us.

Ed says I have to understand his friends are important. He says I'm selfish and jealous. He doesn't show affection very well either (except behind closed doors), and I am a very affectionate person. Am I asking too much from him? I am considering counseling, but I'm unsure whether Ed would go. -- BORED AND LONELY IN MISSISSIPPI

DEAR BORED AND LONELY: Counseling is an excellent idea, and if Ed won't go, you should go without him. Asking your husband to spend two days of one-on-one time with you when he returns from three weeks away isn't too much, and it's not selfish. He needs to reorganize his priorities and put you higher on the list than his buddies.

Affection is supposed to be spontaneous, and you shouldn't have to beg for it. What you describe going on behind closed doors sounds more like plain old sex and a whole lot less like affection. Unless your husband is willing to put more effort into your marriage, I can't see you living until death do you part on a starvation diet -- and you can tell both your husband and your counselor I said so.

DEAR ABBY: I know you get many letters from people who are unemployed, depressed and don't know how to climb out of the funk. I was laid off from my management position three weeks after giving birth to my first child. Talk about depressing.

After several months of recovering from a difficult birth, I contacted my local SPCA and began volunteering. Not only do I help by feeding and cleaning the kitties, but I am using my professional skills to help them with photography, graphic design and fundraising. I'm still looking for work and getting occasional interviews. And in those interviews, potential employers always seem impressed with my volunteer work.

I'm writing to encourage anyone who is unemployed to find charitable organizations to work with. Offer your professional skills. It is something to get up for and do during the day. It also looks good on your resume and makes you feel great. -- UNPAID FOR NOW, BUT HAPPY IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR HAPPY: That's a valuable suggestion, and thank you for it. At this point, 13.9 million Americans are unemployed. Many suffer from depression because, through no fault of their own, they have been unable to find jobs. When people feel embarrassed, frustrated and angry, they tend to isolate themselves, which doesn't help and can be unhealthy.

The more connections you make, the greater your chances for finding permanent employment, because in the final analysis it's all about people and relationships. I wish you luck in your job search. Whoever hires you will be lucky to have you.

DEAR ABBY: My brother often tells me that I'll "make a good wife someday." Is this an insult or a compliment? -- BAFFLED IN BOSTON

DEAR BAFFLED: I'd consider it a compliment. An insult would be you'd make a lousy wife someday. However, whether it's meant as an insult or a compliment would depend upon your brother's opinion of the institution of marriage.