DEAR ABBY: I was a victim of domestic abuse by my wife, and I don't feel I have been treated fairly. There are many programs for abused women, but I haven't found any for men. This problem is more common than people realize, but men are embarrassed to say anything. I'd like my voice to be heard to encourage men to speak up.

I did not hit my wife back after she beat on me. I still love her, but I refuse to be abused any longer. Abby, please help me help myself and others. -- BILL IN ARKANSAS

DEAR BILL: Gladly. Among the problems with spousal abuse is that it escalates. Over the last decade domestic violence groups have become more aware of female-to-male domestic violence and violent behavior in same-sex relationships, and are better prepared to offer help than they used to be. That's why it's important you contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline. The toll-free number is (800) 799-7233. Counselors there offer guidance to women and men who are being abused by their spouse or partner.

Another organization, SAFE (Stop Abuse for Everyone), also assists victims of abuse regardless of age, gender or sexual orientation. Its website is www.safe4all.org.

DEAR ABBY: Our daughter is divorced with two children. She has been dating a man who has three children. Recently, they decided to move in together. All the children are first grade or younger.

What would be the proper way to handle birthdays?

If my daughter and her boyfriend were married, or even engaged, I wouldn't have a problem sending gifts to his children. But since my husband and I hardly know this man (we live in another state and have met him only once or twice), we're not sure how to handle this. Should we just continue to send birthday gifts to our daughter's kids and nothing but cards to his? Or would that look bad? What's the proper thing? -- FAIR-MINDED IN WEST VIRGINIA

DEAR FAIR-MINDED: Your daughter and grandchildren have formed a household with her boyfriend and his kids. If you're compassionate people, you will treat all of the children equally for as long as the relationship lasts. If they decide to marry, which is a possibility, you will wind up being grandparents to all of them. If they eventually separate, you will have done the right thing and lent some stability and happiness to those children's lives.

DEAR ABBY: I couldn't believe your response to "Stumped and Trumped in Ohio" (May 12). You made a point of saying to the father that his daughter and her boyfriend are in his house and they should abide by his rules and sleep in separate bedrooms. It's his wife's house, too, and she thought it was fine for them to share a room. Since when should the man's opinion automatically trump the woman's?

Furthermore, what about hypocrisy? He admitted that he and his wife were indulging in "premarital mambo," as he so quaintly puts it. In this day and age, you can assume his daughter and the boyfriend are as well, especially since they wanted to stay in the same room. So it was OK for him, but it's offensive when they do it?

Nonetheless, it is the parents' house. If they had mutually agreed that the youngsters should sleep in separate rooms, so be it. This is something the husband and wife should have worked out together before "Julie" brought her boyfriend home for a visit. But in saying it's the man's house and everyone should abide by the man's rules, you insulted women everywhere. -- BURNED UP IN SPRINGFIELD, N.J.

DEAR BURNED UP: You're right. I was clumsy. While I agree with you that the writer and his wife should have reached a mutual agreement before the daughter and her boyfriend arrived, they didn't. Call me a stick-in-the-mud, but I don't think an unmarried houseguest has a "right" to share a bedroom if either parent is uncomfortable with it. And while the father may know his daughter is having sex, theoretically, I'm sure he isn't the only parent who would prefer it was "out of sight, out of mind." Readers were divided about this:

DEAR ABBY: When my husband and I were dating, and even after he moved in with me before we married, whenever we visited his parents' home, I always slept in the guest room. Why? Out of respect for his parents' wishes. It was never something that was asked of me. I did it out of respect for someone else's home.

This man's wife caved under false pressure. The daughter will visit just as often. Sleeping arrangements rarely stop someone from visiting. If the new boyfriend stops accompanying her, then everyone should realize he's not worth his salt. Respectful adults don't just "happen"; they are raised that way. -- REBECCA IN ST. PAUL

DEAR ABBY: Today's letter had my blood boiling. I wholeheartedly agree that rules of a household should be respected. However, the father's objection to his daughter and her boyfriend sleeping in the same room isn't about respecting his "wishes." He's upset because he's trying to control his daughter, and he isn't willing to accept that she's grown up and deserves the same freedom he and his wife had. I'm surprised you encouraged him, given that he made it clear he had no problem with premarital sex. He's a blatant hypocrite. -- CAITLIN IN L.A.

DEAR ABBY: I think guests, including children and grandchildren, who live together in today's world should be allowed to share a room. Times have changed. Prudishness is out of date. -- REALISTIC CONTEMPORARY GRANDMA

DEAR ABBY: Before my husband and I married, we visited my straitlaced aunt. Neither of us expected to sleep together there. If you don't want someone's morals imposed on you, what gives you the right to impose your looser morals on them? -- DIANE IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR ABBY: Because my 90-year-old mother is homebound, she qualifies for a meal program through a senior charity service. The program is free of charge for those in need. She didn't like some of the meals, so she asked me to give them to my father-in-law, "Louis."

Louis is 88. He still drives and is well-off, so he doesn't qualify for the program, but he accepted the meals that were offered. My mother has now decided she can no longer eat any of these meals, so I told her we should discontinue the program.

When I mentioned it to my wife, she became very upset with me, saying her father appreciated those meals. I reminded her that her father is able to drive himself to the supermarket and buy frozen dinners similar to what is being provided through the service. My wife is so angry she now says she will never again share any leftovers with my mother. It's an understatement to say this situation has created a major fight between us.

Is my wife correct in being upset about my discontinuing the meal service? -- CHARITY BEGINS AT HOME

DEAR CHARITY: It wasn't wrong to offer the meals that had already been delivered to your mother to your father-in-law after she rejected them. They probably could not have been redistributed to other seniors by the food program at that point.

But to continue your mother's food service while redirecting them to someone who is not in need is dishonest. It's stealing necessary resources from people who truly need them.

Because your wife is upset, she should contact the agency that provides the meals, or another agency that serves seniors, and see if her father qualifies. But she shouldn't punish you for refusing to go along with a deception.

DEAR ABBY: Twice, while attending social funtions, my wife and I met couples for the first time. On each of these occasions as we were saying goodbye, the husbands said to me, "Your wife is gorgeous." They said it in front of their wives, which surprised me. The first time it happened, I didn't know what to say. The second time, I replied, "So is yours," even though the women weren't all that attractive.

I'm wondering if their comments were appropriate, especially because they were made in the presence of their wives. I wasn't offended, just caught off-guard and felt uncomfortable for their wives. I'd appreciate your comments. -- MARRIED TO A KNOCKOUT

DEAR MARRIED TO A KNOCKOUT: Not only do you have a gorgeous wife, but your wife is blessed with a sensitive husband. The comments those individuals made strike me as insensitive to the feelings of their wives because it invited a comparison which could have made the women feel uncomfortable. I think you handled both situations gallantly.

DEAR ABBY: What does it mean when someone signs his/her name with a "Just" in front of it? I received a Mother's Day card from my in-laws (with whom I don't have a good relationship) and it was signed, "Just Bob and Diane."

I have not seen anyone do this before, and was curious if this was another form of my mother-in-law's cattiness or my ignorance. -- SINCERELY YOURS IN SAVANNAH

DEAR SINCERELY: If I had to hazard a guess, I'd say that Bob and Diane may have a bit of a self-esteem problem. Or they're telling you you don't make them feel very important. Could that be true?