DEAR ABBY: I have been in a relationship with a great guy, "Jonah," for four months. We get along well and enjoy a lot of the same things. At times he can be jealous when other men notice me, but we have never had arguments about it. Only one thing about me really bothers him -- it's my infatuation with actor Mark Wahlberg.

Jonah is so upset about it he refuses to see any of Mark's films with me and gets annoyed when I mention him. It irks me because I know being with Mark isn't a realistic option, but Jonah acts like it is. What can I say to make him see that he (Jonah) is the only one I want to be with and Mark is just a fantasy? -- STAR-CROSSED LOVER

DEAR STAR-CROSSED: You may have said too much already. Stop bringing up Mark Wahlberg and see his films in the company of your girlfriends. While Jonah may be a "great guy," he appears to be somewhat insecure, which is why he becomes jealous when another man notices you. And insecure men can become irrational and controlling, so monitor his behavior and do not make any commitments until you both have matured.

DEAR ABBY: I am being married at the end of the summer. It will be a formal wedding. I have a biological father I see once or twice a year, and a stepfather who has been a big part of my life.

I would prefer my stepfather to walk me down the aisle, but I feel guilty about what my biological father and other relatives might think. Should I worry about their opinions or just do what makes me comfortable? -- TOUCHY DECISION IN OHIO

DEAR TOUCHY DECISION: You shouldn't worry about their "opinions" as much as their feelings. Talk with both of your fathers about this. And if there would be hurt feelings, consider having your biological father walk you halfway down the aisle and your stepfather take you the rest of the way to the altar if you feel closer to him.

DEAR ABBY: Our daughter "Melanie" is finishing her master's degree in social work. She's excited about pursuing her future career; however, when we tell our friends about her, we get disappointing -- and sometimes, hurtful -- responses. Some samples: "Whose idea was that?!" "You know she's going to starve, don't you?" "Oh ... they don't make much money," and, "I'm sorry!" These comments come from people with whom we've had warm relationships for years.

We know our daughter won't be rich. That's not her objective. We're proud of Melanie's choice and how hard she has prepared. We think she'll be a wonderful social worker. We have always been supportive of our friends' children and their choices. Is there a way to respond to these people without being rude? -- PROUD PARENTS IN DES MOINES

DEAR PROUD PARENTS: You should be proud. You have raised a daughter who will make an important contribution to the lives of those she touches. When someone makes a thoughtless comment such as the ones you mentioned, tell them what you wrote to me: "We're proud of our daughter's choice and how hard she has worked to prepare. We know she'll be a wonderful social worker." Period.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm a guitarist in a rock band that has been performing in the San Francisco Bay area for five years. Because my on-again, off-again girlfriend, "Robin," didn't get along with my band mates, I found myself often caught in the middle. Her dislike of the band scene distanced me from the other members of the band and resulted in my not hanging out with them like I used to. Mounting pressures from both sides caused my breakup with Robin, someone I cared about and loved deeply.

The split resolved the problem with the band, but now they are asking me for reassurance that I won't date anyone in the future who will have a negative impact on the band. I made a big personal sacrifice for them, and I think it's insulting and insensitive to demand reassurance that history won't repeat itself. I have told them I'm ready to move forward with no more obstacles. Abby, please advise. -- DISSONANT CHORD IN THE COMPOSITION

DEAR DISSONANT CHORD: You may be a "dissonant chord," but your band mates' demand strikes a sour note with me. While a career in music -- particularly if you get lucky and spend a lot of time touring -- is undeniably demanding, your partners in this business should not have the right to dictate your personal life. You gave 'em an inch, and now they expect a mile.

If you're prepared to have them dictate your life for as long as the band lasts, then keep on strumming and keep your promise. But I predict that at some point you are going to have to draw the line. Have another gig lined up when you do.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a gay man in a bad situation. My boyfriend, "Kyle," is bipolar/schizophrenic. Sometimes he can be violent. Much of our time together is spent taking care of him. I work; he doesn't.

We are both college students and I believe, regardless of what I have been through, I have a bright future ahead of me. Kyle is verbally and physically abusive at times, and yes, I end up hurt most of those times. I have convinced myself that it's my fault because I make him mad when he is under stress or he is manic. He breaks up with me every week and then tells me he loves me, then turns around and says he hates me.

Abby, all I want to do is love him and help him. I don't know what he wants or what will make him happy. I need to know if I should stick with Kyle or give up. -- HOPELESSLY DEVOTED IN JERSEY CITY, N.J.

DEAR HOPELESSLY DEVOTED: Healthy, loving relationships are based on a relatively even give-and-take between partners. You may want to help Kyle, but you are not qualified to do so.

Because you say your situation is a "bad" one, and your boyfriend is verbally abusive and hurts you physically as well as emotionally, I am advising you to find out from a mental health professional why you would subject yourself to the emotional roller coaster ride that you have. If you do, this will happen to you less often in the future. Also, the counselor can help you decide whether this relationship is salvageable.

DEAR ABBY: After moving out of your parents' home, is one expected to knock on the door when visiting, or is it OK to just open the door and walk in? -- HEY MOM, I'M HOME!

DEAR "HEY MOM!": The considerate thing to do would be to knock, which would prevent any embarrassing surprises.

DEAR ABBY: I have never been moved to write in response to a letter until I read "Concerned About My Girl in Kentucky" (May 9). It was from a mom who was worried that while her daughter "Celia" had no problem attracting men, she has a problem keeping them.

My intelligent, caring, creative, adventurous and beautiful daughter had successful, handsome and wonderful men throwing themselves at her. A couple of dates and they were never heard from again. When I asked, "What's the problem?" she would shrug her shoulders. I thought she was being too picky, and when the right man came along he'd sweep her off her feet and all would be well.

One day, my daughter came to me and said she had met someone. I said, "Tell me about him." She replied, "Who said it has to be a 'him'?" My daughter was just as surprised as I was to discover she is a lesbian.

She is now in a relationship with a wonderful woman. I'm glad she realized this at 25 instead of 55, after living a life that wasn't hers because she thought that was what was "expected." She's happy now, and so am I. -- PROUD MOM IN ROCHESTER, N.Y.

DEAR PROUD MOM: Thank you for sharing your daughter's happy revelation. The following responses may offer other interesting insights for "Concerned" to consider. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: You suggested Celia ask her friends for feedback. My very attractive friend "Jan" has had two failed marriages and four short-term relationships. In the last five years, she has had many first dates -- only.

She asks, "What is wrong with these guys? Don't they know what they want?" None of us will respond because Jan isn't really looking for an answer, and we're all afraid of being the target of her wrath. It's always the other person's fault. When a friend tries to be helpful by offering gently worded suggestions, this friend gets her head bitten off and returned on a platter.

Some people don't want to improve themselves because they're content to complain and blame someone else instead of taking their own inventory. -- BACKING OFF IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR ABBY: My mother's dream was to have all her children married with six or more children and living happily ever after in wedded bliss. My dream was to live alone with five dogs in a quiet, rural area. "Concerned" may be putting too much pressure on her daughter, causing her to rush into relationships and scaring the men away. Celia needs to sit down and figure out what she wants for herself. Then, maybe, the man of her dreams will come to her. -- REALISTIC READER IN MICHIGAN

DEAR ABBY: I had a friend in college who was smart, beautiful, funny and a great cook. But she rarely had a second date. Her problem was she never shut up! She was constantly talking and, even when engaged in a conversation, she would frequently interrupt and carry on without listening to the other person. If she had asked me why men avoided her, I would have told her the truth, but I was never given the chance. -- IS IT MY TURN TO TALK?

DEAR ABBY: Speaking as a guy who has regretfully had to pass on three "Celias," I know there is one likely possibility that her friends may not realize or have the heart to tell her: Lose the cats. -- NOT A DEVOTEE OF CHAIRMAN MEOW

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