DEAR ABBY: I come from a Third World country and live as a legal alien in San Francisco. I grew up reading great American authors, watching American TV and Hollywood movies, so I thought I had a good understanding about your Western societal structure. I have made many friends in this wonderful city, but the women here drive me crazy.

I am a romantic at heart, but not desperate. However, my gestures are often misunderstood. One time I gave a feminist/radical girl a book about the feminist movement and she freaked out. She said she wasn't looking for anything serious and didn't want me to expect anything from her. Abby, it was just a book, not a diamond ring.

I was in a relationship for four months. It was fine, until I told her I was madly in love with her. She freaked out and said she didn't want to get tied down. I was dumbfounded and heartbroken.

A few months later, I started dating again and met an incredible woman who made my heart skip a beat. I enjoyed being with her so much I sent flowers to her workplace. She freaked out, too.

Am I being completely ignorant to believe in romance? Or is there something wrong with me? -- CALIFORNIA DREAMER

DEAR DREAMER: There isn't anything "wrong" with you, but I suspect you're coming on a bit too strong, too quickly. Life in the United States isn't the way it's depicted in novels, television and Hollywood movies. Getting to know someone takes time -- so take more time before declaring you're madly in love. And the next time you feel the urge to give someone flowers, send them to her home because some professional women prefer to keep their private lives separate from where they work.

DEAR ABBY: My husband of 27 years has been having chemotherapy for lymphoma off and on for two years. Friends and neighbors call him often. However, not one of them has ever asked me how I'm doing. I understand the awkwardness of emotional conversations, but it deeply disappoints me that people act as though my husband's cancer doesn't affect me.

What's the best way for us to care for each other? We are all so fragile and vulnerable. -- HURTING TOO IN HAWAII

DEAR HURTING TOO: I agree. The answer is for people to realize that life-threatening diseases affect the entire family, not just the patient. In your case, if someone asks how your husband is doing, you should say, "'John' is doing well so far, but his illness has been very stressful for me. Thanks for asking." It may start the conversation you want to have.

However, if it doesn't, you should check out the American Cancer Society's website, � HYPERLINK "http://www.cancer.org" ��www.cancer.org�, which lists the location of support groups everywhere. It would be helpful for you emotionally and spiritually to join a group of caregivers who are coping with what you have been experiencing.

DEAR ABBY: An acquaintance recently announced that she's pregnant. None of us were aware that she was in a relationship. Is there a polite way to find out who the father is? -- JUST CURIOUS IN NEW MEXICO

DEAR CURIOUS: I can think of two ways: The first is to wait for her to tell you. The other is to just ask.

DEAR ABBY: I was criticized recently for placing my right hand over my heart while the U.S. flag was flown and "The Star-Spangled Banner" was being sung. I was told that the hand over the heart is for the Pledge of Allegiance only, when the flag is present. Is that true, and what is the proper procedure? -- ST. LOUIS PATRIOT

DEAR PATRIOT: No, it is not true. Whoever criticized you was ignorant of the Flag Code, as amended by the 94th Congress and approved July 7, 1976.

According to the code, "During the rendition of the national anthem when the flag is displayed, all present ... shall stand at attention facing the flag with the right hand over the heart. ... When the flag is not displayed, those present should face toward the music and act in the manner they would if the flag were displayed there."

And by the way, happy Flag Day to all my readers out there.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 25-year-old male who, for the most part, has figured out what I want to do with my life. I'm currently working, and I am also considering entering the military to boost my character and resume. I want to eventually become a lawyer so I can help people.

Something that irritates my family is my refusal to date. I suffer from anxiety attacks just at the thought of talking to a woman or asking for a date. My older sister asks me when I will marry, and my dad claims I'd be a great father. How can I get my family to understand that I'm not interested in marriage and children? -- LOVELESS IN THE SOUTHWEST

DEAR LOVELESS: I respect your desire to enter the military, boost your character and resume and earn a law degree. But please don't use the military as a way to escape dealing with your inability to be comfortable with half the human race. If and when you enlist, you will be in a work environment where there are females and situations in which you may be required to work as a team. That's why I strongly suggest that you talk to a mental health professional about your anxiety about women before enlisting.

Marriage and children are not for everyone -- and you may be one of those men who should be a confirmed bachelor. But not because you're afraid of women.

DEAR ABBY: My father has been dead for more than 15 years. Any time my mother sees people she hasn't seen since Dad's death, she makes a point of telling them how happy she is now that he's dead! She doesn't care how loudly she declares it or how she says it.

At my son's recent wedding reception, I overheard her having this conversation with my brother-in-law. He made eye contact with me to see if I could hear what she was saying, then shook his head like he couldn't believe what she was saying.

Abby, it's embarrassing that she does this all the time. If I say anything, I know she'll get mad at me. Any suggestions? -- CAN'T TAKE HER ANYWHERE

DEAR CAN'T TAKE HER ANYWHERE: Yes. Ignore her. Obviously your parents' marriage wasn't made in heaven -- but her widowhood is.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter recently told us she is attracted to women. I feel she has been unduly influenced by her mentor/professor at her college, as she quoted this woman several times when she "came out."

My daughter has always been quiet and shy. She finds it difficult to make eye contact with anyone. How am I to accept this, especially since I feel her mentor took advantage of the situation? I am finding it difficult to function at all. I love my daughter very much. This just hurts. -- MOM AT A LOSS IN OREGON

DEAR MOM AT A LOSS: I understand this has been a shock for you, and for that you have my sympathy. It is possible that your daughter has always been quiet and shy because she was wrestling with who she is, so the fact that she told you her feelings is a good thing.

Because you are hurting, it would be helpful for you to talk to other parents of lesbians and gays. They can help you through this period of adjustment. You can find support by contacting PFLAG (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) by calling (202) 467-8180 or logging onto � HYPERLINK "http://www.pflag.org" ��www.pflag.org�. If you do, you'll be better able to support your child.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married eight years and have two children. Our marriage has had its share of ups and downs, but we always manage to survive the bad times.

My problem is my husband sleeps on the couch 95 percent of the time instead of in our bed. He makes excuses such as he "fell asleep watching TV," or "the kids were sleeping in our bed" -- even when they weren't. He even goes to sleep on the couch after we have had sex.

I don't like sleeping by myself every night, and I have tried to explain how upsetting this is to me. My little girl has even asked why Daddy sleeps on the couch. Any suggestions? -- MISSING MY SNUGGLE, MELBOURNE, FLA.

DEAR MISSING YOUR SNUGGLE: Yes. Have you asked your husband why he's not in bed with you anymore? Your statement that he leaves for the couch after you have had sex could indicate that one or both of you may have a sleeping disorder that prevents him getting enough rest. But you'll never find out unless you can get him to level with you about what the problem is.

DEAR ABBY: My darling wife died not long ago. I'm still grieving. Please tell me what to do when women show up as if I'm available to date. They're not shy. I'm not interested in anyone, especially since my wife just passed away. I am still emotionally attached to her, and I don't want that feeling to fade.

Abby, these women are forward and aggressive. I can't believe how some of them dress. I miss my wife. I truly loved her and continue to do so. I know in time I'll meet someone, but I'm not ready to jump out there because my heart still belongs to my wife. I welcome your advice, Abby. -- HUNTSVILLE WIDOWER

DEAR WIDOWER: Please accept my deepest sympathy for the loss of your beloved wife. Because you wrote to me in longhand rather than via the Internet, I'm assuming you are an older gentleman. Available men in your demographic are hard to find, which is probably why you're under siege by the casserole brigade. Actually, it's a compliment that they're lining up. However, because you're not ready to move in that direction, politely tell the women you prefer to be left alone right now to sort out your feelings. And, if anything changes, you will let them know.