DEAR ABBY: My daughter recently told us she is attracted to women. I feel she has been unduly influenced by her mentor/professor at her college, as she quoted this woman several times when she "came out."

My daughter has always been quiet and shy. She finds it difficult to make eye contact with anyone. How am I to accept this, especially since I feel her mentor took advantage of the situation? I am finding it difficult to function at all. I love my daughter very much. This just hurts. -- MOM AT A LOSS IN OREGON

DEAR MOM AT A LOSS: I understand this has been a shock for you, and for that you have my sympathy. It is possible that your daughter has always been quiet and shy because she was wrestling with who she is, so the fact that she told you her feelings is a good thing.

Because you are hurting, it would be helpful for you to talk to other parents of lesbians and gays. They can help you through this period of adjustment. You can find support by contacting PFLAG (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) by calling (202) 467-8180 or logging onto � HYPERLINK "http://www.pflag.org" ��www.pflag.org�. If you do, you'll be better able to support your child.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married eight years and have two children. Our marriage has had its share of ups and downs, but we always manage to survive the bad times.

My problem is my husband sleeps on the couch 95 percent of the time instead of in our bed. He makes excuses such as he "fell asleep watching TV," or "the kids were sleeping in our bed" -- even when they weren't. He even goes to sleep on the couch after we have had sex.

I don't like sleeping by myself every night, and I have tried to explain how upsetting this is to me. My little girl has even asked why Daddy sleeps on the couch. Any suggestions? -- MISSING MY SNUGGLE, MELBOURNE, FLA.

DEAR MISSING YOUR SNUGGLE: Yes. Have you asked your husband why he's not in bed with you anymore? Your statement that he leaves for the couch after you have had sex could indicate that one or both of you may have a sleeping disorder that prevents him getting enough rest. But you'll never find out unless you can get him to level with you about what the problem is.

DEAR ABBY: My darling wife died not long ago. I'm still grieving. Please tell me what to do when women show up as if I'm available to date. They're not shy. I'm not interested in anyone, especially since my wife just passed away. I am still emotionally attached to her, and I don't want that feeling to fade.

Abby, these women are forward and aggressive. I can't believe how some of them dress. I miss my wife. I truly loved her and continue to do so. I know in time I'll meet someone, but I'm not ready to jump out there because my heart still belongs to my wife. I welcome your advice, Abby. -- HUNTSVILLE WIDOWER

DEAR WIDOWER: Please accept my deepest sympathy for the loss of your beloved wife. Because you wrote to me in longhand rather than via the Internet, I'm assuming you are an older gentleman. Available men in your demographic are hard to find, which is probably why you're under siege by the casserole brigade. Actually, it's a compliment that they're lining up. However, because you're not ready to move in that direction, politely tell the women you prefer to be left alone right now to sort out your feelings. And, if anything changes, you will let them know.

DEAR ABBY: No one in my family will tell my grandmother the reason they don't call her is she talks too much. None of us is retired like she is, and our evenings are chaotic enough without a two-hour conversation with her. Relatives ask me to relay messages on their behalf so they won't have to call her. She's always crying and telling me I'm the only one who is "good to her."

I'd feel guilty if I had to tell Grandma the truth -- but I, as well as the rest of the family, have had enough of her long, guilt-inducing talks and trips down memory lane from 1940. How can I get the point across without devastating her sensitive nature? -- CAPTIVE AUDIENCE IN FLORIDA

DEAR CAPTIVE AUDIENCE: The next time your grandmother tells you you're the only one who is good to her, you need to tell her she'd have better luck with the other relatives if she limited the length of her phone calls to them. Encourage her to find other interests so she isn't as lonely and dependent as she appears to be. To do so isn't cruel; you'll be doing her a favor because what's driving people away is her neediness.

I don't know what your grandmother retired from, but she should have retired TO something more than her telephone. Unless she lives in the wilderness, she should be encouraged to get out and volunteer.

DEAR ABBY: I received a wedding invitation from my step-cousin. She has been part of the family since we were kids. We have always had a friendly relationship.

My problem is, my last name is misspelled on the invitation. I'm married, so I no longer use the family name. I'd like to correct her for future reference (and so the place card is correct at the wedding reception), but I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. What's the proper thing to do in this situation? -- DROP THE "E," PLEASE, IN PITTSBURGH

DEAR DROP THE "E": Whoever addressed your invitation may have been in a hurry, or your married name may have been incorrectly entered into a database. Because you are friendly with your step-cousin, call her and remind her about the proper spelling of your married name. Wouldn't you want to know? I would.

DEAR ABBY: When I was in fourth grade, I was a bully. I remember one girl, Margaret, whose life I made particularly miserable with verbal and physical abuse. Every time I did it, I immediately felt guilty because I saw how devastated and unhappy she was. I knew her pain because I had a rotten home life.

I grew up to be a responsible citizen and loving mother, but as I approach 80, I still wish I could tell Margaret how sorry I am. How do I resolve this? -- FORMER BULLY IN ALBUQUERQUE

DEAR FORMER BULLY: Because you know Margaret's age and place of birth, try Googling her. If you find her, offer the apology. However, if she is deceased, you'll have to work on forgiving yourself.

Today, many schools have programs that discourage or prevent bullying. It's sad for you and Margaret that there was no one to reach out to who could have made things better for both of you. Had there been, it might have made both your childhoods more pleasant.

DEAR ABBY: "Kyle" and I have been good buddies for 10 years. The problem is I'm crazy about his younger sister. She and I have been talking over the last few months. Kyle knew we were talking in the beginning, and he told her to stay away from his friends. I think I understand his reasons, and I tried to talk to him on my own.

Kyle said he doesn't want to deal with me calling him eventually about problems that may arise between me and his sister.

Now when I hang out with her we have to be secretive. I would like to be open about being with this awesome girl. Can you please help me? -- JOHN IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR JOHN: Kyle's reason for not wanting his sister to involve herself with any of his friends is a selfish one. He is not his sister's keeper. Her parents are. If you like her, find out from them if it's OK to hang out with her. But stop sneaking around because it's childish and reflects badly on both of you. And if there are any problems, refrain from taking them to Kyle.

DEAR ABBY: I grew up disliking a lot of things about my mother, but the main thing was how she treated my father. I still don't like it.

Now I realize I have started treating my husband the same way sometimes. He says it doesn't bother him and everything is fine in our marriage, but I lie awake at night worried about how I'm treating him. Situations come up, and before I can stop myself, I say something I wish I hadn't. One of my husband's friends noticed it and mentioned it.

I married a wonderful man, and I don't want to put him through what my dad endured. What can I do? -- SEEING A PATTERN

DEAR SEEING: It's not unusual for children to model the behavior of their parents, even when the example isn't a good one. You will need to learn to self-censor before you open your mouth in stressful situations. One way to do it is, before snapping, ask yourself, "Is this true? Is it helpful? Is it kind?" However, learning the tools to create new patterns of behavior isn't easy -- and you may need the help of a licensed counselor in order to overcome the patterns of a lifetime.