DEAR ABBY: No one in my family will tell my grandmother the reason they don't call her is she talks too much. None of us is retired like she is, and our evenings are chaotic enough without a two-hour conversation with her. Relatives ask me to relay messages on their behalf so they won't have to call her. She's always crying and telling me I'm the only one who is "good to her."

I'd feel guilty if I had to tell Grandma the truth -- but I, as well as the rest of the family, have had enough of her long, guilt-inducing talks and trips down memory lane from 1940. How can I get the point across without devastating her sensitive nature? -- CAPTIVE AUDIENCE IN FLORIDA

DEAR CAPTIVE AUDIENCE: The next time your grandmother tells you you're the only one who is good to her, you need to tell her she'd have better luck with the other relatives if she limited the length of her phone calls to them. Encourage her to find other interests so she isn't as lonely and dependent as she appears to be. To do so isn't cruel; you'll be doing her a favor because what's driving people away is her neediness.

I don't know what your grandmother retired from, but she should have retired TO something more than her telephone. Unless she lives in the wilderness, she should be encouraged to get out and volunteer.

DEAR ABBY: I received a wedding invitation from my step-cousin. She has been part of the family since we were kids. We have always had a friendly relationship.

My problem is, my last name is misspelled on the invitation. I'm married, so I no longer use the family name. I'd like to correct her for future reference (and so the place card is correct at the wedding reception), but I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. What's the proper thing to do in this situation? -- DROP THE "E," PLEASE, IN PITTSBURGH

DEAR DROP THE "E": Whoever addressed your invitation may have been in a hurry, or your married name may have been incorrectly entered into a database. Because you are friendly with your step-cousin, call her and remind her about the proper spelling of your married name. Wouldn't you want to know? I would.

DEAR ABBY: When I was in fourth grade, I was a bully. I remember one girl, Margaret, whose life I made particularly miserable with verbal and physical abuse. Every time I did it, I immediately felt guilty because I saw how devastated and unhappy she was. I knew her pain because I had a rotten home life.

I grew up to be a responsible citizen and loving mother, but as I approach 80, I still wish I could tell Margaret how sorry I am. How do I resolve this? -- FORMER BULLY IN ALBUQUERQUE

DEAR FORMER BULLY: Because you know Margaret's age and place of birth, try Googling her. If you find her, offer the apology. However, if she is deceased, you'll have to work on forgiving yourself.

Today, many schools have programs that discourage or prevent bullying. It's sad for you and Margaret that there was no one to reach out to who could have made things better for both of you. Had there been, it might have made both your childhoods more pleasant.

DEAR ABBY: "Kyle" and I have been good buddies for 10 years. The problem is I'm crazy about his younger sister. She and I have been talking over the last few months. Kyle knew we were talking in the beginning, and he told her to stay away from his friends. I think I understand his reasons, and I tried to talk to him on my own.

Kyle said he doesn't want to deal with me calling him eventually about problems that may arise between me and his sister.

Now when I hang out with her we have to be secretive. I would like to be open about being with this awesome girl. Can you please help me? -- JOHN IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR JOHN: Kyle's reason for not wanting his sister to involve herself with any of his friends is a selfish one. He is not his sister's keeper. Her parents are. If you like her, find out from them if it's OK to hang out with her. But stop sneaking around because it's childish and reflects badly on both of you. And if there are any problems, refrain from taking them to Kyle.

DEAR ABBY: I grew up disliking a lot of things about my mother, but the main thing was how she treated my father. I still don't like it.

Now I realize I have started treating my husband the same way sometimes. He says it doesn't bother him and everything is fine in our marriage, but I lie awake at night worried about how I'm treating him. Situations come up, and before I can stop myself, I say something I wish I hadn't. One of my husband's friends noticed it and mentioned it.

I married a wonderful man, and I don't want to put him through what my dad endured. What can I do? -- SEEING A PATTERN

DEAR SEEING: It's not unusual for children to model the behavior of their parents, even when the example isn't a good one. You will need to learn to self-censor before you open your mouth in stressful situations. One way to do it is, before snapping, ask yourself, "Is this true? Is it helpful? Is it kind?" However, learning the tools to create new patterns of behavior isn't easy -- and you may need the help of a licensed counselor in order to overcome the patterns of a lifetime.

DEAR ABBY: Every weekend my husband goes to all the yard sales and estate sales in our area. He brings home stuff he considers treasures, but I'm sure even the trash collectors wouldn't pick it up.

He is obsessed with his hobby and doesn't realize he is turning our beautiful home into a trash storage warehouse. I tried talking to him, but he says he'll do as he pleases. Abby, I'm writing to you as my last resort. I am desperate for any advice you can give me. -- SECONDHAND ROSE IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR ROSE: Your husband has been seduced by the "thrill of the hunt" and is responding to primitive impulses passed down from our long ago ancestors. Women have it too -- ask anyone who has lost track of time during a department store sale and bought more than she set out for.

Try this: Go with him to the yard and estate sales, so you both can agree to buy or reject a "treasure" before it becomes a purchase. While this may not put an end to your problem, it may curb your husband's impulse buying -- a little.

DEAR ABBY: It has recently come to my attention that at work I am considered "bossy." It came as a shock to me. I'm hurt that my co-workers and department manager think of me this way.

I know I come on strong sometimes when it comes to helping customers, but I view it as helping. When I suggest to co-workers that they keep their areas clean and orderly, it is perceived as bossy. I'm just trying to help them not get fired for slacking off.

I'm older than some of my co-workers and my manager. I tried for the manager position, and was initially angry when someone else got it. But now I see she does a good job, and I respect her. It seems, however, that my actions have sent the wrong message. What can I do to mend fences? Or, should I just forget about it and look for something else? -- MISJUDGED IN ALBUQUERQUE

DEAR MISJUDGED: No, you should apologize to anyone you might have offended. And, as well-intentioned as you are, in the future resist the urge to correct your fellow employees. Your job is to be part of a team, not a scolding schoolmarm. Sometimes it's how you say something, not necessarily what was said, that's the problem.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter, "Alana," has a 7-year-old son my husband and I have helped to raise while she got her life together and pursued her lucrative career. "Tristan" excels in school and is a great little man. The problem is, every time Alana gets a new boyfriend, she rushes to make the boyfriend Tristan's "daddy."

The men my daughter chooses are crude, rude and, without fail, feel a need to "straighten out" Tristan. My grandson does not need straightening out because he is polite, engaging and a good soul. The newest guy in Alana's life, "Jeff," told me point blank that if Alana doesn't stop babying her son, Tristan will grow up to be a girl! This man is homophobic, sexist, racist and controlling.

Alana claims she's "in love" and fails to see the potential harm this guy could inflict on Tristan. We do not employ corporal punishment, but Jeff has already said (several times) he would "beat his butt"! What should we do? -- FEARFUL NANA IN GEORGIA

DEAR NANA: Where is your daughter meeting these people? It appears her taste in men is atrocious, and she has serious self-esteem issues. You and your husband need to get across to her how harmful it is for her to repeatedly introduce men to her son as "daddies." Parents should wait until they know their prospective mates well enough to be assured they won't injure the child physically or psychologically.

If Alana insists on marrying Jeff, offer to take Tristan to live with you. If that's not acceptable, the next time Jeff says he'll "beat Tristan's butt" respond point blank that if he lays a hand on your grandson, you'll report him to Child Protective Services.

You could also point out to your daughter that now that she has her life together and a "lucrative career," the last thing she would need is a scandal because she tolerated such a thing happening to her son. And while you're at it, make it plain that trying to "toughen up" a 7-year-old the way this man is suggesting would not only be counterproductive, it could damage him in ways she can't imagine.