DEAR ABBY: I have been in a seven-year relationship with "Maddy," which will probably end soon because she can't seem to stick to any kind of routine. Maddy is in her mid-30s, the youngest in a large family, and grew up without any kind of responsibilities. She's always misplacing and losing things -- watches, cameras, jewelry, etc. Her mail goes unopened and her bills get paid late even though she has plenty of money.

Maddy thinks I'm "controlling" because I get frustrated when we have to be somewhere at a specified time and she's always late. I think she's selfish to put her needs ahead of everyone else's. There's always an excuse; it's always someone's fault, never hers.

In my line of work, if I have a meeting to attend, I arrive on time. Maddy thinks that unless it's her boss telling her what time to be at a meeting, everything else is when she "gets to it." I have planned entire weekends with dinner reservations and events scheduled and let her know what time we need to leave. When the time comes, she's not even packed yet. Worse, she can't understand my irritation. Is this relationship worth saving -- or my sanity? -- LOSING PATIENCE IN THE PACIFIC NORTHWEST

DEAR LOSING PATIENCE: Maddy must have many amazingly good qualities for you to have tolerated her lack of organization and consideration for others this long. Because you have let her know how you feel about it and nothing has changed, it's time to accept that no changes will be forthcoming. My advice is to save your sanity. You'll be happier and less frustrated if you find someone more like yourself.

DEAR ABBY: I have noticed over the past few decades that fewer and fewer people have heroes (I mean real heroes, not celebrities who are famous for being famous). I'd love to hear from your readers about who their heroes are and why. These heroes should not be family members, but someone outside the family -- a teacher, doctor, artist, writer, mentor, statesperson, etc.

Without positive role models to emulate, it's no wonder the majority of our young people are losing their way. -- ALISON IN ASHLAND, ORE.

DEAR ALISON: While I do not agree that the majority of our young people have "lost their way," I do think you have posed an interesting challenge. Readers, if you'd care to chime in, I'm sure it would make an inspiring column.

I would nominate the New York City police and firefighters who searched for survivors after 9/11, the reporters at the New Orleans Times-Picayune who stayed at their posts to report the news after the terrible flood that decimated their city, and the men and women in our military who put themselves at risk in service to our country.

DEAR ABBY: I need your help with a problem I'm having with my husband, "Fred." He is very territorial over his laptop and other personal items such as his phone. It is so bad that I'm not even allowed to hold his phone -- even if he is trying to show me a video on it. His laptop is password-protected.

I have asked Fred numerous times why so much privacy, and he says, "Because these things are mine." I feel as if he is hiding something. I know I shouldn't be paranoid, but since he was unfaithful in the past, I have my suspicions. Please let me know what I can do to solve this. -- LEFT OUT IN LITTLE ROCK

DEAR LEFT OUT: Did you and Fred have marital counseling after his infidelity? If not, you should have. If you did, you both need more. Your husband's behavior also makes me suspect he may be trying to hide something that could embarrass him if you were to get your hands on the phone or have access to his password. Insist on marriage counseling or your suspicions will only increase -- and rightly so.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

DEAR ABBY: I'm running out of energy to compassionately relate with all the addicts and mentally ill people in my family. My mother is an alcoholic. My aunt is bipolar and schizophrenic. She is addicted to and abusing prescription painkillers and anti-anxiety medicines.

My husband is an alcoholic in denial who lies about his alcohol consumption, and my stepmother is mentally abusive and, I strongly suspect, also bipolar. These people are all retired, while I work a physically and mentally demanding full-time job.

I'm usually the one who is blamed when things don't go right. Mother asked me to remove all alcohol from her home so she could stop drinking. When I didn't find it all, it was my fault she drank. I escorted my aunt on a cruise during which she abused drugs to the point she could barely walk, and I had to find her wheelchairs at every stop. Now I hear she is blaming me for her illness.

When my husband drinks, he runs up our credit card to the tune of $20,000. My job with medical benefits allowed him to retire from his job. My stepmother no longer communicates with my brother and me and seems to be alienating my father from his family.

I'm exhausted! I don't think I can take much more. I know you'll tell me to see a counselor, but I'm the one who has the full-time job and little vacation/sick time I can use. Short of "divorcing" all of them and starting a new life in an undisclosed location, what advice can you offer? -- NEARLY SUCKED DRY

DEAR NEARLY: Since you can't get away to see a counselor because of the demands of your job, pick up a couple of books on co-dependency and read them cover-to-cover. Then practice protecting yourself by learning to say "No!" when an alcoholic makes you responsible for clearing the booze out of her house, or a drug-addicted relative invites you to take a "vacation" that guarantees you'll become her nurse. Discuss with a lawyer how to separate your finances from your deadbeat husband so he can't dig you deeper into debt the next time he chooses to go on a bender. You don't have to "divorce" anyone as long as you learn how to draw the line.

P.S. Al-Anon can be reached toll-free at (888) 4AL-ANON ((888) 425-2666). There are meetings at various times in many locations. Check it out.

DEAR ABBY: My sister is always late sending birthday presents to my kids -- sometimes up to a month or two after their birthdays. I find it disrespectful and a bad example, so I asked that she either send them on time or not at all. It did no good. She complained that I am being "unfair to hold her to a deadline."

My sister has all year to plan around these events, and I feel she needs to be more responsible. It's affecting our relationship. Please advise. -- CALENDAR GAL, ROCHESTER, N.Y.

DEAR CALENDAR GIRL: If you could see all of the letters I receive from readers complaining that they receive no gifts, you would realize that your children are lucky to be remembered. While I agree that sending birthday presents as long as a month or two after the fact sends a message that their special day is not of primary importance to your sister, please do not let this create a rift. Explain to your children that Auntie loves them, but she is extremely disorganized. (A "ditz"!)

DEAR ABBY: I'm in middle school. I have had a few boyfriends since I started here. I try my best to look OK each day, but I always find a flaw in the way I look or act. Sometimes I find it hard to trust guys when they tell me I'm pretty. I have low self-esteem, so it's hard for me to believe them. Can you please help me learn to trust people and be comfortable with my body? -- AWKWARD IN OGDEN, UTAH

DEAR AWKWARD: If it's any comfort, 99 percent of girls your age feel the same way you do. Your body is still a work in progress because you're not finished developing yet. Believe it or not, no one is as preoccupied with your looks and perceived "flaws" as you are, so please try to be a little kinder to yourself and less critical.

There is truth to the old saying, "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder." By that I mean -- if people tell you you're attractive, that is the way you appear to them. So just smile and say, "Thank you for saying that." Accept the compliment, but don't rely on it to gauge your self-worth. Concentrate on developing your personality and your mind, and you'll be on a path to success in everything you do.

DEAR ABBY: My son is in the process of being divorced from his wife after only four short years. Before they married, I gave him an engagement ring and wedding band that had been in our family for years. Now that they are divorcing, I'd like to have him get the rings back.

Is this an acceptable request? -- HURTING MOTHER IN NEW YORK

DEAR HURTING MOTHER: Engagement rings and wedding rings are gifts that are given with the promise of marriage. The heirloom rings are now the property of your soon-to-be-ex-daughter-in-law. Depending upon your relationship with her, you could ask for them back or offer to buy them from her. She may be more receptive to the offer if she hears it from you rather than your son. However, they are hers to keep or dispose of as she wishes.

DEAR ABBY: My husband lost his job in November. Since the holidays, none of our friends has asked us to go out again. I don't know if they feel bad about talking about their work or if they think we can't afford it, but I'm really lonely.

We've invited friends a few times, but I get weary of making all the effort. A night out laughing with friends would be nice; so would being remembered. What should we do? -- LONELY HEART CLUB

DEAR LONELY: Your friends may be uncomfortable for the reasons you mentioned, or feel guilty because they are not experiencing the struggle that you are. Of course, the answer is to keep reaching out. But I will add this: The time for people to step forward and be supportive is when someone they care about needs it. That's what true friendship is all about. And with the rate of unemployment in this country what it is today -- "do unto others ..."

DEAR ABBY: What is the protocol when someone is asking to see his mother's will while she is still in good health? -- PONDERING IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR PONDERING: The two most difficult subjects to discuss are death and money, both of which come into play when the topic of wills comes up. A wise and compassionate parent will discuss this with her (or his) children so there won't be any surprises when the eventual happens.