DEAR ABBY: My dad died four years ago. He and Mom had many friends and did everything together, including raising nine children.

Mom was always in charge of things. Dad reinforced any decisions she made and vice versa. Since his death, Mom has become progressively more bitter. Eight children are alive today, and we all avoid her if we can. She cries because no one stops by to see her, but if we do, she has a long chore list waiting. I have my own home, work two jobs and don't want what little time I have with her spent working as her slave.

If by chance I feel brave enough to take her out in public, she embarrasses me with her verbal outbursts. She waits until I start to pay, then asks loudly, "Are you sure you have enough money in the bank to pay for that?" Another time, she stopped a complete stranger, told him I was single and asked if he wanted to know my bra size!

I have tried talking to her. She just gets mad and makes my life even more miserable. Mom will be 70 in a few months. I want to enjoy her and what time we have left together, but I find myself running away from her wrath! I don't want to live without her, but I don't want to live with her, either. Please tell me what to do. -- DRIVEN AWAY IN GEORGIA

DEAR DRIVEN AWAY: Was your mother always this way? If not, please understand that she may be seriously ill. You have described some symptoms of the onset of dementia. Instead of shunning her, you and your siblings need to encourage her to see her doctor because she needs a thorough physical and neurological examination. Offering you to a strange man was extremely inappropriate, and her chore list may indicate that she's no longer able to do what's on it for herself.

Your mother needs all of you right now. Go with her to the doctor, and be sure her physician knows what's been going on. It may take insistence from all of you to get her there. Please don't let her down. You have my sympathy and so does she.

DEAR ABBY: I am a single dad of three kids. For the past three years I have promised to take them to Disney World. The first year, my youngest got sick and had to have surgery. The following year, I had a stroke and was laid up for a while. This year, as I was on my way to get the tickets, my car broke down.

I work so hard to give my kids what they need, but I can't give them a vacation they can remember for the rest of their lives. I feel like I have let them down. How can I make this feeling go away? -- NO MAGIC FOR US IN OHIO

DEAR NO MAGIC: For one thing, stop beating yourself up over circumstances that are beyond your control. As a single parent, you are giving your children love, support and memories of a caring father that will last a lifetime. You'll take them to Disney World at a time when it is feasible. Until then, forgive yourself for not having been able to deliver on your promise immediately.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I started a relationship with a co-worker. We went out for several months, and I found myself really enjoying his company. The feeling was mutual. After several months I told him I was developing feelings for him, more than just friends. He told me he was gay. I was shocked, saddened and angry all at the same time, but we went on to develop an even stronger friendship.

I have fallen in love with him, but I have had counseling and I believe those feelings are in check. We have a special bond that's hard to explain. For lack of a better term, we have used the words "soul mate" to describe this feeling. He has even said he would like a lifelong commitment with me and has thought about marrying me. He said holding hands, walks on the beach and romantic things aren't a problem for him to share with me, but he cannot offer me anything sexual.

He wants to share his life with me. We aren't kids -- we're in our 40s and 50s. He's a wonderful man, and I do want him in my life. Is it wrong to think about a future with him? -- CONFUSED ON WHAT TO DO

DEAR CONFUSED: It's not wrong to think about it. But while you're thinking, consider carefully how important sex is to you. Some, not all, women would be content with what he's offering. But what if you should meet someone? You also need to know whether this man is ready, willing and capable of forgoing a sexual relationship with a man. How would you feel about it if he met someone?

My advice is not to make a decision this important alone. Check in with your therapist and examine all of your feelings there. Also, contact the Straight Spouse Network, which was mentioned in a recent column, and talk frankly with others who are involved in mixed relationships. You'll find it online at � HYPERLINK "http://www.StraightSpouse.org" ��www.StraightSpouse.org�.

DEAR ABBY: I grew up thinking my mother was a good cook. Now that I'm married and have lived away from home for 10 years, I realize that Mom, with all her good intentions, was an awful cook. She was never adventurous, prefers canned and frozen foods, no vegetables and highly processed grains. I have chosen a completely opposite path and buy lots of natural, unprocessed fresh foods.

As a result, I now cook all the holiday meals -- with Mom helping with the prep and small tasks. I have tried to encourage her to eat better and expand her horizons, but it isn't sinking in. Every time we have dinner at her house, I feel like I have just eaten at a fast-food establishment.

I don't want to be a control freak and say, "My way with dinners at my house only," but I'm struggling to find a compromise when she wants to "treat" us to dinner at her place. Suggestions? -- FOODIE IN COLORADO

DEAR FOODIE: It's one thing to be a "foodie" and another to be a food snob. A "fast-food" meal once every few weeks won't kill you, so be a sport and let your mom reciprocate. And the next day, return to your normal routine to make up for it.

DEAR ABBY: How do you politely refuse letting someone borrow something when he or she asks? Even if it's your best friend or a relative?

In the past, I have loaned items that were not returned in their original condition, or it was a pain in the neck to get them back in a timely manner when I needed them for myself. Help, please! -- TOO UNSELFISH IN PORTLAND, ORE.

DEAR TOO UNSELFISH: Here's how. Smile and tell the person you no longer lend items to anyone, because they have been returned damaged or late, so that is now your "policy." Period.

DEAR ABBY: I was shocked and angered by the letter from "West Virginia Traveler" (April 16) on towel usage and tipping hotel housekeepers. His priorities and "knowledge" of hotel staff are seriously skewed. This man is taking his peevishness out on hotel employees who can least afford to take it.

The concierge is paid well to deal with disgruntled guests and make things right. The bellman gets tipped to carry a bag from the lobby to your room. If a doorman calls a cab for you, he gets tipped. If there is a restaurant, the servers are tipped.

The one person who is most critical to making your stay comfortable and pleasant is the maid/housekeeper. She is the one who makes sure you have a clean bathroom, fresh sheets and plenty of toilet paper. She does the grungiest job in the hotel, gets paid very little, is rarely thanked in person and is the last to be tipped. She needs these tips more than anyone else.

I make a point of tipping every single day of my stay, and I have always received the best room service imaginable. -- LUANN IN KEENE, N.H.

DEAR LUANN: Thank you for your letter. Housekeepers everywhere will be grateful for your support. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I am a housekeeper in a popular hotel chain. Our staff leaves cards in the bathrooms asking our guests to please conserve and hang towels for reuse if possible. Just because you can be wasteful, it doesn't mean you should. -- JENNIFER IN CANADA

DEAR ABBY: "Traveler" said not a single housekeeper has been "exceptional." What about the simple fact that housekeepers clean up his mess during his stay? They take out his trash, refresh his towels and replace used soaps and shampoos. Housekeepers vacuum anything tracked in, remake beds, wipe down the sink and bath/showers.

I can say from personal experience that many hotel guests wouldn't leave their homes in the condition they leave their hotel rooms, and sadly, they feel that it's acceptable. Housekeepers work hard to provide a clean and comfortable room prior to a guest's arrival, and strive to maintain that comfort throughout the guest's stay. In addition, they will fulfill any request within their abilities. I'd say this alone is pretty darn "exceptional." -- GUEST SERVICE REP IN UTAH

DEAR ABBY: Leaving a tip for housekeeping in a hotel is a matter of social responsibility/social justice. A striking majority of hotel maids are women -- many of color, invariably in a lower income bracket and, often, single mothers. They work extraordinarily hard for less than minimum wage in cities where the cost of living is much higher than their incomes. In other words, they are not paid a living wage. Consider it a "mitzvah" (a blessing) to leave a tip. It can make a difference between a family "getting by" and one that is drowning. This is about doing the right thing. -- AN M.D. IN MONTE SERENO, CALIF.

DEAR ABBY: Why would someone make insulting remarks and then say, "I'm only kidding"? My husband constantly berates and insults me. Why does he want to hurt me all the time? Am I being too sensitive or is he being cruel? -- FEELING INSECURE IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR FEELING INSECURE: You're not being too sensitive; what your husband is doing is cruel. It's also cowardly. I don't know why he wants to hurt you. But the question you should be asking is not why he wants to hurt you, but rather, why you continue to tolerate it.

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