DEAR ABBY: I'm desperate for guidance. I have no mentors to consult nor anyone with more life experience because I have no family left I can talk to anymore.

Five years ago, when I was 22, my father committed suicide. My mother and I were witnesses. His family blamed me for not trying to wrestle a loaded gun from him. (I know I did the right thing.) Dad's family cut Mother and me off completely.

Mom always had a problem with drinking, but it became worse after Dad killed himself. The last five years have been spent putting my life on hold to pick up the pieces. Mom loses jobs for being drunk, is all but blacklisted in the city she lives in and is often short of rent money. If I give her money to pay her rent, she blows it on alcohol. She'll sleep with strangers for money when she's facing eviction.

It kills me knowing the mother who loved me is going to eventually end up on the street, but I can't be her mother anymore. I didn't have a childhood because I was always dealing with her alcoholism, and Dad's, too. I can't bear the thought of her homeless and hungry, but I know picking her up only enables her drinking. Please help me. I don't know what to do. -- DESPERATE FOR GUIDANCE IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR DESPERATE: You are a caring and dutiful daughter, but the burden you have assumed will crush you if you don't put it down. No one can save someone who doesn't want to be saved or isn't ready to be. Until your mother realizes she needs help for her addiction, she'll continue on the path her drinking is leading her.

It is extremely important for your emotional well-being to let go of your guilt for being unable to "mother your mother." An excellent place to begin would be to attend some Al-Anon meetings. There you will find support from friends and relatives of alcoholics who help each other through the same trials you are experiencing. The meetings are free and confidential. To find one in your area, call (888) 4AL-ANON ((888) 425-2666). Someone will always answer during business hours Eastern time. Or, visit the website at Al-AnonFamilyGroups.org.

DEAR ABBY: My sister is having a baby, and we're wondering if there is an acceptable way to let people know that she wouldn't mind getting used items as gifts -- especially the "big" things. No one in our family is well off, but this is her first child and she does need stuff.

Would a note in the shower invitation be tacky? In this money-saving time, I think our idea is a good one. How do we convey the message? -- LIKES "LIKE-NEW" IN OHIO

DEAR LIKES "LIKE-NEW": I'm glad you asked, because a note in the shower invitation would be tacky. The way that message should be conveyed is verbally, when prospective guests ask what the mother-to-be needs.

However, before your sister uses a secondhand toy or nursery equipment, it would be a good idea to check the website run by the Consumer Product Safety Commission to make certain the item hasn't been the subject of a safety recall. (More than 300 products of various types are recalled each year.) The website to visit is � HYPERLINK "http://www.recalls.gov" ��www.recalls.gov�.

DEAR ABBY: I met "Angie" on a dating site not long ago. She's an intelligent, open-minded woman. So when one of our first conversations turned to sexual preferences, I felt at ease revealing one of my "likes" to her even though I didn't know her well.

Today when we were talking, Angie mentioned that she had asked her girlfriend about her experiences with what I had discussed. Clearly her intent wasn't to gossip, but nevertheless, I felt betrayed. I had discussed a personal part of myself in a private conversation, and she had divulged what I had said to someone without asking me.

Now I'm not sure I want to continue talking to her. Confidence is an essential part of any relationship beyond a casual friendship, and I don't want her friends being privy to everything that goes on between me and her, even on a "promise not to tell anyone" basis.

On the other hand, Angie seemed concerned when she realized I was upset, and her intentions were not malicious. Should I move on? If not, how do I discuss my feelings with Angie without being confrontational? -- WANTS IT PRIVATE IN TEXAS

DEAR WANTS IT PRIVATE: Angie is not only open-minded, she is also open-mouthed when discussing intimate matters. She and her girlfriend talk about their sexual preferences and activities, or she wouldn't have known that her friend has had the experience you discussed.

If you prefer your sex life kept private, move on because Angie isn't likely to change. If you are so attracted to her that you're willing to have your private life become an open book -- continue confiding in her because it will happen. Let this be a lesson about opening the door to your innermost secrets so quickly in the future.

DEAR ABBY: It's the time of year when preschool and elementary school teachers receive so many tokens of thanks we don't know what to do with them.

Why not give a gift that will really be appreciated -- and from which everyone will benefit? Let your child help pick out a book for the teacher's classroom library. The kids know what is already there and can be involved in finding something new and exciting. It will also help them understand how important reading is to you. Most teachers can always use a new addition to their bookshelf. -- READING IS FOR EVERYONE

DEAR R.I.F.E.: I love your suggestion. Reading is for everyone, and a way to convey that message is for parents of preschool and elementary schoolchildren to read to them and with them every day.

DEAR ABBY: While going through some old greeting cards, I read the messages written by our children when they were kids. I thought I would send them back -- one for each occasion -- as a reminder of good things from the past.

It seems some children blame their parents, but forget all the good that happened in their lives. Seeing an old card may be a positive reminder. -- RECYCLING WITH A TWIST

DEAR RECYCLING: Maybe, maybe not. If you're having problems with your adult children, my advice would be to resolve those issues in a forthright manner. Do not attempt to "guilt" them, because it's manipulative and could backfire.

However, if you are determined to send the cards, be sure to write something on each one about reconciliation that carries a positive message.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I will be attending a milestone birthday party for a friend of his. The fiancee of the birthday guy stated on the invitation, "There will be a surprise during the evening." It has been suggested that a stripper "may" be the surprise.

Abby, I realize this might be OK for some people and it's just for fun, but I'd be uncomfortable if this happens. My boyfriend knows my feelings, but I don't know if we would risk being ridiculed if we left the party. What should I do if I find myself in this situation? -- HATE TO BE A PARTY-POOPER

DEAR "PARTY-POOPER": Contact the birthday guy's fiancee and ask if what you heard is true. If it is, spare yourself the embarrassment and have your boyfriend attend the party without you.

DEAR ABBY: When someone has a serious illness or major surgery, everyone thinks to bring food, which is lovely. But I have a better idea.

When my friend, who has a young family, was diagnosed with breast cancer, I offered to do her laundry. Her recovery was slow, and the chemo and radiation therapies endless. Three years later, we're nearing the end of a short and brave life, and I still do their laundry every week. It has been a help to her, and I have grown closer to her and her family. When she's gone, I will never again do a load of wash without thinking of her.

Perhaps your readers can help another family this way. -- THE LAUNDRY FAIRY, ROCHESTER, MINN.

DEAR LAUNDRY FAIRY: The support you have given to that family extends far beyond doing laundry. Your presence over the long haul has, I'm sure, meant much more. Read on for a view from the perspective of a caregiver:

DEAR ABBY: My wife has dementia. Our children don't live close by, so I'm her only caregiver. One afternoon a week I hire someone to stay with her so I can grocery shop, do banking and run necessary errands. Neighbors and friends over the years have offered the standard, "If I can do anything to help, let me know," but I'm not the type to call and ask, although it would be wonderful to have more hours to myself to do things in a leisurely manner rather than like running a marathon.

I know people are busy, but it would be great if some of those who offered help would call occasionally, tell me they have an afternoon or evening free (or even an hour or two) and give me a little breathing room.

I don't begrudge one moment of the time I have spent caring for my wife. She has, for 50 years, been a marvelous wife, a wonderful mother and the center of our family. Whatever I do for her can never repay the comfort, strength and joy she has brought into my life. But I cried (privately) on Christmas Day after the family had finished our gift exchange, because I had no time to go and buy her a gift.

Please advise your readers that if the offer of help they extend is real, to please check their schedules, find some time they are willing to give, call that friend, neighbor or relative and offer to sit with their loved one. That thoughtful gesture will be appreciated beyond what they could possibly ever imagine. -- A FRIEND OF YOURS

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)