DEAR ABBY: "Maya" and I competed throughout high school. We shared common interests -- even friends, who would blow me off to hang out with her.

We were involved in speech and debate and were nominated for the girls' state team. I was deemed "too qualified," so Maya got the nomination. She ran against me for speech president and I won by a huge margin. Then the coach decided she wanted us to be "co-presidents" and announced to everyone that the vote was tied. I was one-upped constantly.

Later, to my chagrin, I discovered we'd be going to the same college. I was told I'd probably never see her because of the large campus. Well, last semester she joined two activities I'm involved in. We rushed for a prestigious pre-law organization. She was accepted; I wasn't.

As it turns out, we both want to go to the same law school and become corporate attorneys.

Maya is pretty, popular and charming. I am plain and by no means popular. I can't stand to lose one more thing to her. After all these coincidences, we'll probably end up in the same law firm. What can I do to stop feeling so awful about myself as Maya continues to take away all the things I care about most? -- TIRED OF SECOND PLACE

DEAR TIRED: Your high school speech coach's obvious favoritism for Maya was terrible, and for that I am sorry. But you have allowed your feelings of being constantly one-upped to become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Stop concentrating on Maya and start devoting all of your attention to yourself and your goals. While good looks and charm are powerful assets, so are being brilliant, self-assured and accomplished in one's field. Let the future take care of itself and you may be pleasantly surprised to find out that she's not in it. Or if she is, that she's no longer the focus of your obsession and you are both successful.

DEAR ABBY: My 18-year-old son, "Kyle," lives with his mother in a nearby town. I have always tried to be a good father, but despite countless phone calls, visits and vacations together we never really bonded.

Kyle is a smart, nice kid, but he has no hobbies, no friends, no girlfriends or interests that I have ever seen. He rarely leaves the house except for school. I haven't been able to get him to engage in a sport or activity with me or show any type of "normal" kid behavior.

He spent part of last summer with me, and when I asked him questions about his life and wanted to take him for a doctor's exam (he's never had one!), he begged his mom to come "rescue" him, which she did. She refuses to discuss this and says Kyle's just shy.

I feel I must do something, but what? Maybe if my ex reads this she'll listen to someone else. Abby, don't you see a possible problem here? -- DADDY IN THE DARK IN TEXAS

DEAR DADDY IN THE DARK: I certainly do. And had you intervened while your son was still a minor, there might have been some way to have had him medically and psychologically evaluated. But he's an adult now. And unless he is willing to admit there is a problem and seek help for it, there isn't a darn thing you can do at this late date. If there are other male family members Kyle trusts, you might try recruiting their assistance.

DEAR ABBY: May I respond to "Bound for College" (April 9), the high school senior who is distressed because she may have to go to a state university?

This is America, the land of opportunity, not the land of entitlement. A college education is a luxury, not a right. How fortunate she is to have parents who can send her to college. It is my hope that her father does get that job at the university. What an excellent benefit he will have to get reduced tuition for his offspring.

If, however, that is not good enough for her, it is her right to refuse that gift. Then she may go to the school of her choice and pay for it herself. With the cost of tuition today, that will be quite an undertaking. There are a number of options: student loans, grants, scholarships, a job or an enlistment in the military.

As you mentioned, Abby, in your response, education is what you make of it. My suggestion to "Bound for College" is, lose the attitude of entitlement, look at how blessed you are, rethink your priorities and make the most of your opportunities. -- MIKE M. IN BLOOMSBURG, PA.

DEAR MIKE: Thank you for your letter. Readers unanimously agreed that "Bound" needs to make the most of the opportunities that come her way and start thinking and acting like an adult. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I could have written the same letter years ago. The similarities are uncanny. I was accepted to my dream school, but due to my family's financial difficulties, I ended up attending my backup school, one of the largest public institutions in the country.

During the first semester, I was bitter and angry. Slowly but surely, I began to appreciate the benefits unique to a large state university. I enrolled in an honors academic program, which allowed me to receive a rigorous education from an amazing faculty. I became exposed to people from different cultures with differing perspectives. There were numerous student organizations and clubs. I found new hobbies and became active in causes that were important to me. Although I was worried about the school's party reputation, I quickly found other students who felt the same way I did.

"Bound," the college experience will be what you make of it. For me, it was instrumental in shaping my future. I took advantage of the many resources available on campus. It opened up avenues for me and, most important, helped me to discover myself. I will be starting graduate school as a financially independent adult, and I can finally do it on my own terms. -- SOPHIA K., ARLINGTON, TEXAS

DEAR ABBY: You can party at any school, and you can get an education at any school. To a large extent, you get out what you put in. Yes, there may be distractions on some campuses, but there will always be academically inclined students and opportunities if one looks for them. The "fit" of a school can't really be determined until one gets there. So "Bound" should go where it is affordable and keep an open mind. She may find opportunities she has not yet considered. -- L.C. IN CHARLESTON, ILL.

DEAR ABBY: Like "Bound," my parents promised I could go to any school I wanted. I applied to one school and got in, but my parents told me I'd have to take out a loan if I wanted to go there instead of a state school (something that was never mentioned). I took the news hard and resented that I was being forced to make my first adult decision and would have debt when I graduated.

I chose to stay in-state. The school was a party school, and I spent most of my freshman year angry that I was there. A year later, my anger was gone. Abby, please advise "Bound" that it's what you make of the college experience that counts. -- BEEN THERE IN RICHMOND, VA.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a senior in high school and about to graduate. The week after graduation, one of my close friends is getting married. I have no qualms about the marriage, but I'm confused about the pre-wedding parties.

The bride and groom are registered at three stores and have had a Tupperware party already. However, I have received an invitation to a lingerie party to which guests have been instructed to bring the bride lingerie with gift receipts attached.

Am I wrong in thinking that buying intimate apparel is the responsibility of the couple? I plan to buy them a wedding gift from the registry, but I feel odd being asked to essentially contribute to their sex life. Abby, if I decline the invitation, what would be the proper way to do it? -- BRINGING A BLENDER IN MONTANA

DEAR B.A.B.: If you are unable to attend the shower, all you need to say is you're unavailable on that date. You do not have to give a reason. However, lingerie showers can be a fun way for women to bond with each other. I once attended one at which a guest jokingly brought the bride a pair of handcuffs. (In Montana, a set of spurs might make an interesting gag gift.)

However, if you prefer not to "contribute to the couple's sex life," why not bring a high-necked flannel nightgown? Your gift could be the talk of the party.

Readers, care to offer any other gift suggestions?

DEAR ABBY: I represent Operation Paperback: Recycled Reading for the Troops. Our 10,000 volunteers, at their own expense, collect gently used paperback books and send them to military members and organizations deployed all over the world.

Since 1999, we have sent over a million books and have received thanks from Bosnia, Iraq, Afghanistan, Korea, Germany, ships at sea, and dozens of places on the globe where our military serves.

Because units are continually being deployed, reassigned and recalled, we struggle to maintain current address lists. We would appreciate the assistance of your forum in spreading the word to service members and their families that they need only to go to operationpaperback.org to register, and we will see to it that they have quality reading material to provide an escape from their day-to-day trials. Thank you for your help. -- DAN BOWERS, RED LION, PA.

DEAR DAN: What a wonderful offer. But be careful what you wish for, because Dear Abby readers are the most generous and patriotic people in the world!

DEAR ABBY: My stepdaughter came and cleaned our house when my wife -- her mother -- was ill. I appreciated her efforts, until I noticed she had put the toilet brush in the dishwasher with the dishes. I quietly removed it.

Am I overreacting because I no longer want to eat at her house? This made me extremely uncomfortable because most of our family gatherings are at her house. -- TURNED OFF IN TEXAS

DEAR TURNED OFF: Ew! Had I been in your position, when I saw what she had done, I'd have hit high C. And I wouldn't have been subtle about removing the toilet brush from the dishwasher. What a gross lapse of judgment. I wouldn't want to eat at her house either, and I'd let my spouse know exactly why. (Please tell me your stepdaughter didn't learn this from her mother.)