DEAR ABBY: My husband and I were together 11 years -- since we were 12 -- and married for four. He was killed in a car accident, and I am now a 23-year-old widow. I was in the passenger seat when he died. I sustained multiple injuries, but none as great as the massive anxiety I can't seem to shake.

I have had a great deal of support from friends and family. However, two months after my husband died I began talking to "Brian," a family friend who is going through a divorce. We'd stay up for hours talking about the things we were going through. I have developed love for Brian that is beyond anything I have felt before, built on a great deal of strength and heartache.

We moved fast because of our mutual need to have someone there for us. I feel guilty, however, that I have this relationship so soon after my husband's death. On top of all this, I have huge anxiety, the result of guilt, PTSD and my fear of abandonment.

I feel isolated because I'm so much younger than most widows I meet. Also, because I have the complicating factor of Brian's divorce (with two kids) going on now, I'm afraid my anxiety will never decrease. I can't reject the love I have for him. We've been there for each other through a time of great hardship. I want to be able to relax and enjoy it, not stress out and destroy it. Can you give me any advice? -- YOUNG WIDOW IN PAIN

DEAR YOUNG WIDOW: Allow me to offer my deepest sympathy for the loss of your husband. After what you have been through, it's understandable that you would experience the feelings you have been having. But if you are going to move on in the right direction, I urge you to discuss your current situation with a mental health professional -- preferably one who specializes in post-traumatic stress and anxiety.

While it's wonderful that you have met someone so soon, I urge you to make no permanent decisions for at least a year. You and Brian can support each other, but each of you is needy right now, and that's not a basis for a healthy relationship. With time, the anxieties will ease and what's causing them will lessen. If you'll forgive the baseball vernacular, my advice is to bunt rather than try to swing for a home run now. It will improve your odds of not striking out.

DEAR ABBY: My wife likes to sunbathe in the nude in our side yard. Anyone walking by on the sidewalk, or riding by on a bike or in a car can easily see her over our 3-foot-tall picket fence.

She is a beautiful woman and has nothing to be ashamed of, but knowing strangers can see her in the buff makes me uncomfortable. She says I should get over it. Should I? -- EMBARRASSED ON ELM STREET

DEAR EMBARRASSED: Your wife assumes that your neighbors and passersby are as open-minded as she is. Please remind her that if a mother should walk by with a child, she could be deeply offended, call the police and your sun-worshipping wife could be charged with indecent exposure. A tall hedge in the front of your side yard would screen her from public view. Please consider it.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "James," constantly tells me he loves me, but I don't think I love him. I'm sure most women would love having a man tell them he loves them all the time, but it drives me up a wall. If I walk into a room, James says he loves me. If I leave the room, he says it again. The words have lost their meaning for me, but if I don't respond in kind, James thinks I'm mad at him.

I am emotionally exhausted from having to constantly reassure him. If I try to discuss anything serious, he cries, and that just turns my stomach. I'm not an uncaring, unfeeling person. I'm very emotional, but when a man cries it makes me uncomfortable.

Please don't suggest counseling. James is a pastor who would want to go to a Christian counselor. That makes me uneasy because he knows all the ones around here. We don't have much money and no insurance. If I ask for a divorce, it will end his career.

Divorce is not an option for many people, but I don't want to wake up one morning and realize I have lived my entire life putting myself second. Abby, when is it OK to say this isn't working? -- MISERABLE IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR MISERABLE: Say it now, while there may still be a chance to save your marriage. It is crucial that you find the money you need for nondenominational couples therapy with a licensed professional. Your husband needs to overcome insecurities that may stem from the fact that he feels you becoming increasingly distant, or that may have originated in his youth. And you need to control the impulse to shut down when your husband expresses emotions that make you uncomfortable.

Everyone has strengths and weaknesses. Understanding and accepting what the weaknesses are can be powerful tools in overcoming each other's shortcomings. Whether your marriage can be resuscitated (or not) will depend upon whether the two of you are capable of working this through. I wish you luck, because of how much each of you has to lose if it fails.

DEAR ABBY: A woman with whom I have become good friends over the past year lost a son 10 years ago, and is estranged from her adult daughter. I would like to acknowledge her in some way on Mother's Day because I don't think her daughter will.

Would it be appropriate to send her a card and/or flowers? -- KATHY IN WISCONSIN

DEAR KATHY: Unless your friend is an older mentor, I would refrain from sending a card with a Mother's Day motif. But a card telling her you're thinking of her -- or what a valued friend she is -- might be nice. Or a phone call. Ditto with the flowers.

DEAR ABBY: I am an over-50 "cougar" who has a boyfriend who's not happy with my looks. He loves all the other aspects of our relationship, but he wants me thinner and prettier. I'll never look 30 again. What do you think I should do? -- BARB IN RENO

DEAR BARB: Change boyfriends. If yours doesn't like you the way you are, face it -- your romance is on the downhill slide. Of course you'll never look 30 again. But what's important is how you feel about yourself.

My answer might be different had you said you wanted to be thinner because you thought it would make you more attractive. Please give this some serious thought while you still have a healthy level of self-esteem -- because the longer you're with this man, the more it will be eroded.

DEAR ABBY: I am a marriage counselor writing in response to the March 22 letter from the man who objected to his wife having dinner with a mutual (male) friend while the writer was on a business trip. I found his signature, "Feeling Cheated On in Illinois," excessive, perhaps even a signal he has an "ownership" attitude toward his spouse, which is associated with controlling behavior. In the absence of any reason to distrust her, why is he so upset?

My husband of 20 years was going to Japan for a week to visit our foster daughter. I was unable to go, so one of my female friends went with him instead. My husband is attractive, and no doubt has had many opportunities to cheat. I realize many spouses are unfaithful, but you don't keep them faithful by keeping them on a short leash. All that does is make a potential cheater sneakier.

Because spouses who cheat sometimes claim their lovers-in-waiting are "just friends" doesn't mean men and women can't be "just friends." "Illinois" is insecure at best, controlling at worst. I think he should have a one-time appointment with a therapist and discuss his expectations of his wife. -- BARBARA IN MAINE

DEAR BARBARA: I heard from readers who have firsthand experience in this subject. And many of them agreed with you. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I'm an at-home wife of a husband who travels frequently. He has logged more than 3 million frequent flyer miles in the last 20 years. I'll bet the "Illinois" man dines out often with female colleagues. It's a fact of business life these days. And I'll bet a lot of the women are married, too. So, really, what's the difference?

He needs to look inward at his own actions and ability to trust. While travel may be part of his job, why must his wife be denied adult companionship when he's away? A man and woman eating out together doesn't automatically equal "date." I do it often when my husband travels. I pay my own way and meet my friend(s) at the restaurant. It's a "get-together" and the only way I can stay sane. -- BEEN THERE AND WILL CONTINUE

DEAR ABBY: I'm a married woman with single and married male friends. I go out for lunches and dinners with all of them. Some live out of state and we email often. I also have outings with female pals, some of whom are lesbians. "Illinois" needs to figure out why he doesn't trust his wife and his good friend. My husband socializes without me as well. He even goes to lunch sometimes with an old girlfriend. Either you trust your partner or you don't. -- SECURE AND HAPPY IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR ABBY: I travel often and enjoy dinners with lots of people, both male and female. I've dined with my neighbor's husband while we were stranded at an airport trying to get home. Should we have sat at different tables? Implying that this behavior is "questionable" is outrageous. My husband is sometimes invited to dinner by neighbors when I'm away and I thank them for their kindness. -- JULIA IN GAINESVILLE, FLA.

DEAR ABBY: Something similar happened to me. It started with the remark that there's nothing wrong with a married woman having a man as her best friend. Three years later she filed for divorce, saying she didn't love me anymore. They worked together in the same office, started going out to lunch, then having after-work drinks and golf dates on the weekends I worked overtime. I understand what "Illinois" is going through. I hope his situation works out better than mine did. -- LARRY IN OHIO

DEAR ABBY: I hurt for the wife who is stuck at home "several nights a week." Why couldn't her husband just say, "Good for you, you have company!"? Married people can be friends with other married members of the opposite sex. If "Illinois" can't handle that reality, then he should find a job that lets him be home with his wife every night. -- CATHY FROM CLEVELAND