DEAR ABBY: My husband, "James," constantly tells me he loves me, but I don't think I love him. I'm sure most women would love having a man tell them he loves them all the time, but it drives me up a wall. If I walk into a room, James says he loves me. If I leave the room, he says it again. The words have lost their meaning for me, but if I don't respond in kind, James thinks I'm mad at him.

I am emotionally exhausted from having to constantly reassure him. If I try to discuss anything serious, he cries, and that just turns my stomach. I'm not an uncaring, unfeeling person. I'm very emotional, but when a man cries it makes me uncomfortable.

Please don't suggest counseling. James is a pastor who would want to go to a Christian counselor. That makes me uneasy because he knows all the ones around here. We don't have much money and no insurance. If I ask for a divorce, it will end his career.

Divorce is not an option for many people, but I don't want to wake up one morning and realize I have lived my entire life putting myself second. Abby, when is it OK to say this isn't working? -- MISERABLE IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR MISERABLE: Say it now, while there may still be a chance to save your marriage. It is crucial that you find the money you need for nondenominational couples therapy with a licensed professional. Your husband needs to overcome insecurities that may stem from the fact that he feels you becoming increasingly distant, or that may have originated in his youth. And you need to control the impulse to shut down when your husband expresses emotions that make you uncomfortable.

Everyone has strengths and weaknesses. Understanding and accepting what the weaknesses are can be powerful tools in overcoming each other's shortcomings. Whether your marriage can be resuscitated (or not) will depend upon whether the two of you are capable of working this through. I wish you luck, because of how much each of you has to lose if it fails.

DEAR ABBY: A woman with whom I have become good friends over the past year lost a son 10 years ago, and is estranged from her adult daughter. I would like to acknowledge her in some way on Mother's Day because I don't think her daughter will.

Would it be appropriate to send her a card and/or flowers? -- KATHY IN WISCONSIN

DEAR KATHY: Unless your friend is an older mentor, I would refrain from sending a card with a Mother's Day motif. But a card telling her you're thinking of her -- or what a valued friend she is -- might be nice. Or a phone call. Ditto with the flowers.

DEAR ABBY: I am an over-50 "cougar" who has a boyfriend who's not happy with my looks. He loves all the other aspects of our relationship, but he wants me thinner and prettier. I'll never look 30 again. What do you think I should do? -- BARB IN RENO

DEAR BARB: Change boyfriends. If yours doesn't like you the way you are, face it -- your romance is on the downhill slide. Of course you'll never look 30 again. But what's important is how you feel about yourself.

My answer might be different had you said you wanted to be thinner because you thought it would make you more attractive. Please give this some serious thought while you still have a healthy level of self-esteem -- because the longer you're with this man, the more it will be eroded.

DEAR ABBY: I am a marriage counselor writing in response to the March 22 letter from the man who objected to his wife having dinner with a mutual (male) friend while the writer was on a business trip. I found his signature, "Feeling Cheated On in Illinois," excessive, perhaps even a signal he has an "ownership" attitude toward his spouse, which is associated with controlling behavior. In the absence of any reason to distrust her, why is he so upset?

My husband of 20 years was going to Japan for a week to visit our foster daughter. I was unable to go, so one of my female friends went with him instead. My husband is attractive, and no doubt has had many opportunities to cheat. I realize many spouses are unfaithful, but you don't keep them faithful by keeping them on a short leash. All that does is make a potential cheater sneakier.

Because spouses who cheat sometimes claim their lovers-in-waiting are "just friends" doesn't mean men and women can't be "just friends." "Illinois" is insecure at best, controlling at worst. I think he should have a one-time appointment with a therapist and discuss his expectations of his wife. -- BARBARA IN MAINE

DEAR BARBARA: I heard from readers who have firsthand experience in this subject. And many of them agreed with you. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I'm an at-home wife of a husband who travels frequently. He has logged more than 3 million frequent flyer miles in the last 20 years. I'll bet the "Illinois" man dines out often with female colleagues. It's a fact of business life these days. And I'll bet a lot of the women are married, too. So, really, what's the difference?

He needs to look inward at his own actions and ability to trust. While travel may be part of his job, why must his wife be denied adult companionship when he's away? A man and woman eating out together doesn't automatically equal "date." I do it often when my husband travels. I pay my own way and meet my friend(s) at the restaurant. It's a "get-together" and the only way I can stay sane. -- BEEN THERE AND WILL CONTINUE

DEAR ABBY: I'm a married woman with single and married male friends. I go out for lunches and dinners with all of them. Some live out of state and we email often. I also have outings with female pals, some of whom are lesbians. "Illinois" needs to figure out why he doesn't trust his wife and his good friend. My husband socializes without me as well. He even goes to lunch sometimes with an old girlfriend. Either you trust your partner or you don't. -- SECURE AND HAPPY IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR ABBY: I travel often and enjoy dinners with lots of people, both male and female. I've dined with my neighbor's husband while we were stranded at an airport trying to get home. Should we have sat at different tables? Implying that this behavior is "questionable" is outrageous. My husband is sometimes invited to dinner by neighbors when I'm away and I thank them for their kindness. -- JULIA IN GAINESVILLE, FLA.

DEAR ABBY: Something similar happened to me. It started with the remark that there's nothing wrong with a married woman having a man as her best friend. Three years later she filed for divorce, saying she didn't love me anymore. They worked together in the same office, started going out to lunch, then having after-work drinks and golf dates on the weekends I worked overtime. I understand what "Illinois" is going through. I hope his situation works out better than mine did. -- LARRY IN OHIO

DEAR ABBY: I hurt for the wife who is stuck at home "several nights a week." Why couldn't her husband just say, "Good for you, you have company!"? Married people can be friends with other married members of the opposite sex. If "Illinois" can't handle that reality, then he should find a job that lets him be home with his wife every night. -- CATHY FROM CLEVELAND

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: As children come to their mothers to mend their scraped knees and broken hearts, readers in turn come to you for advice that can mend fractured relationships and save lives.

Knowing how much mothers everywhere value your wisdom, the Food and Drug Administration's Office of Women's Health and the Federal Citizen Information Center have created the Healthy Moms Advice Kit for your readers. It's filled with practical tips on topics such as hay fever, recognizing and conquering depression, keeping food safe, discovering the real differences between name brand and generic drugs and -- every mom's dream -- learning the secrets of getting a good night's sleep.

Abby, thanks for letting your readers know about the free Healthy Moms Advice Kit, and for being someone we always know we can trust to steer us to the answers we need. -- MARSHA HENDERSON, FDA ASSISTANT COMMISSIONER FOR WOMEN'S HEALTH (ACTING)

DEAR MARSHA: I'm pleased to help you educate readers on these important topics. Every year when I review the advance copies of your kits, I learn something new -- which is why I know they will be helpful to others.

Folks, this year's free smorgasbord of information contains helpful advice on such topics as how to avoid getting sick from restaurant take-out foods, medications and products to avoid during pregnancy, and an enlightening fact sheet on HPV (human papillomavirus), a sexually transmitted disease that, left untreated, can lead to cervical cancer. Did you know that vaccination with Gardasil can help prevent four types of HPV? I didn't. And no, you CAN'T get HPV from the vaccine.

Because all the information in these kits has been compiled by the government at taxpayer expense, it's offered at no cost to you. However, quantities are limited, so don't wait. Order now. To receive the kits in printed form, send your name and address to Healthy Moms Advice Kit, Pueblo, CO 81009, go online to Publications.USA.gov, or call (888) 8-PUEBLO (that's (888) 878-3256) weekdays 8 a.m. to 8 p.m. Eastern time. You can also read the publications online in PDF format, download them to your computer and print them.

DEAR ABBY: I had an affair a few years ago that lasted a lot longer than it should have. It ended when my lover, "John," died unexpectedly. The kicker is I was -- and still am -- married. For the last two years I had wanted to end the relationship, but I couldn't find the courage to do it on my own.

My question is, should I feel guilty for feeling glad that John is dead? I'm glad the affair is finally over, but I feel guilty that death is what ended it and that I didn't have the courage to end it myself. -- CONFLICTED IN SANTA ROSA

DEAR CONFLICTED: I don't think you're feeling "glad" as much as you're relieved that John is finally out of your life -- even if it was feet first. As to your guilt about not ending the affair, that's something between you, your religious adviser and your higher power. You'll have to work it out with one of them, and I'm advising you to start now.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)