DEAR ABBY: I am a woman who is in love with my former high school coach. I don't know if I should tell him. I first realized I loved him about a year and a half after I met him. We had an extremely close relationship, but it was not inappropriate. He is 13 years older than I am.

After two years of getting to know him and forming a strong friendship, he moved across the country for work. Since then, I have entered college and we see each other only on holidays and in the summer. Every time I see him, we go back to our normal, wonderful relationship as though nothing has changed.

I was in denial about my feelings for him. I told myself it was puppy love and couldn't work out because of the age difference and the distance. But after four years of pining for him, and several failed romances with others, I realize I deeply love him. We have a unique connection, but he has a reputation as a "player," so I can't be sure he feels the same. I don't want to ruin what we have, but I want more. Should I finally reveal my feelings? -- HURTING BADLY IN NEW ENGLAND

DEAR HURTING BADLY: You and your former coach are both adults. I see no reason why you shouldn't tell him how you feel. However, if he responds affirmatively, please be careful about how you proceed with this relationship. As you said -- he has a reputation as a player, and men with a craving for variety can be very unreliable.

DEAR ABBY: I am in my mid-50s, divorced for many years, and have two grown children. I began seeing a delightful gentleman about three years ago. (I'll call him Jack.) He was dating several women at the time, and after a few months, I made it clear that we would have to have an exclusive relationship or I could not go on seeing him. Jack reluctantly agreed and kept his promise.

Four months ago, I demanded a commitment from him. I knew I loved him and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. He told me he loved me, but marriage is out of the question -- and if that is the only way I'd stay with him, we have to say goodbye.

I think I have made a terrible mistake, Abby. What are your thoughts on this? -- DEPRESSED IN DES MOINES

DEAR DEPRESSED: Since marriage is important to you, you were right to lay it on the line to him. His unwillingness, regardless of how nicely put, to take your relationship to another level means he wasn't as committed to you as you were to him. And once your self-esteem heals, you will realize that the person who made the terrible mistake was Jack.

DEAR ABBY: May I offer a suggestion concerning elderly people? I know this from experience.

When writing to an older adult, every so often include some labels bearing your name and address. This makes it easier for them to respond and for the post office to decipher your address.

I have an elderly friend who has severe arthritis. When we correspond, it takes me at least 20 minutes to make out what she has written. The labels have helped us both. -- INDEPENDENCE, MO., READER

DEAR READER: I'm pleased to pass the word along. And because readers have complained that they get these labels along with solicitations from charities and don't know what to do with them, this would be a good way to put them to use. Thank you for the suggestion.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a volunteer manager coordinating services between 200 students and tutors in an adult refugee English as a Second Language program. We benefit greatly from the skills and perspectives of young people, but the job requires volunteers to be self-directed and mature enough to handle the assignment. May I offer some advice to those who wish to volunteer for any program for class credit -- as an intern or during summer vacation?

Understand that your assignment is a job. Someone is counting on you to be reliable and do it well -- even though you're not being paid. If you want to volunteer, call me yourself. Our conversation will be, for all intents and purposes, a job interview. I do not want to talk to your mother unless she's the one looking for the assignment.

Nonprofit organizations offer volunteers work experience and insight into a life that is unfamiliar to you. If you're not ready to commit to an assignment, ask the manager if you can "shadow" someone who is currently volunteering. It's a great way to see if the work interests you.

My volunteers are the most dedicated, intrepid, compassionate people I have ever met. They succeed because they're enthusiastic and sincere in their desire to contribute. They range in age from 17 to 82, but they all have one thing in common: They picked up the phone and spent time doing their own research.

Volunteering is an excellent way to make a difference in the world, especially when you understand where you fit into that world. -- VOLUNTEER MANAGER IN DENVER

DEAR MANAGER: Sometimes well-meaning parents try so hard to run interference for their children that they get in the way, and rather than strengthening their children's wings, they don't allow them to develop. For parents of teens and young adults who are interested in volunteering and internships, I hope this letter will serve as a wake-up call. Thank you for writing.

DEAR ABBY: I am invited to a 60th wedding anniversary party. They are requesting that all the guests wear white. I think it's unfair to ask that of a guest. I recently lost weight and will have to buy something new to wear, besides paying for my hotel and a nice gift.

I care about the couple and want to share this special occasion with them, but I'm on a fixed income. To have to go out and buy something new is a hardship. Abby, what do you think? -- REASONABLE IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR REASONABLE: I think you should consider some other options than buying a new outfit. Could you borrow a white outfit from someone? Or browse resale boutiques to see if they have something? If they don't, contact the anniversary couple and see if they would mind your wearing the palest outfit you have. After all, the white attire is being requested, not ordered.

DEAR ABBY: My fiance is a "screamer" during lovemaking. This bothers me. Is there a cure? -- SUBDUED IN ALBUQUERQUE

DEAR SUBDUED: For him? No. For you, the "cure" is to learn to be less self-conscious about the fact that your fiance is enjoying himself, because you are not going to change him.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: My fraternal twin, "Marla," was always difficult. When we were kids she was physically and emotionally abusive. She stopped hitting me only after I outgrew her in high school, but she continues to try to control me.

When I started dating my wife, "Gloria," Marla would tell me Gloria wasn't good enough for me. At first, it gave me serious doubts about the woman who is the love of my life. We're now expecting our first child -- a daughter -- and Marla has been offering parenting advice that goes against what Gloria and I feel about child-rearing. When I politely decline her advice, Marla accuses me of being "selfish" for not appreciating it.

A parenting book was delivered anonymously to our home. It took me a few days to remember that Marla had mentioned it. Five days later she sent me an angry email because I hadn't thanked her for it.

Spats like this usually result in our not speaking for months. I harbor no ill will toward my sister and often don't know why we're fighting. She seems to thrive on the drama she creates with these artificial rifts.

I want my daughter exposed to healthy adult relationships, not abusive ones. How do I tell my twin I love her, but she must stop trying to control me and create conflict where none exists? I don't want to have to cut her out of my life. -- SOON-TO-BE-DAD

DEAR SOON-TO-BE-DAD: The patterns of a lifetime won't change without work on both your parts. Tell your twin that if she wants to be a part of your life -- and your daughter's -- some radical changes will be necessary. Offer to join her in family therapy. If she agrees, recognize that change won't be easy for her. If she refuses, do what you must to protect your child from her controlling and manipulative behavior.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 25-year-old man. I have been in a two-year relationship with the most beautiful woman I have ever met. "Amanda" is 23, and she has just told me she plans on joining the Navy.

I respect her decision and courage to better her life and future career. However, my feelings are deeply hurt. I don't understand how, after all this time, she could change course and put our relationship on the back burner.

Amanda says she wants us to stay together and promises that everything will be all right. I love her with all my heart. Do you think after four years in the Navy our love will be as strong? At our age, is it worth keeping ourselves exclusive to each other? -- IN SHOCK IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR IN SHOCK: I wish you had mentioned why Amanda has decided to join the military. Could it be she's doing it because, in return for her service, they will pay for her education? If that's the case, then respect her decision and her determination to better her life.

Whether your romance can weather the separation her service in the Navy will require depends, frankly, on how much each of you has invested in it. Other couples have managed. My advice is to take it day by day and you'll have your answer.