DEAR ABBY: I am a volunteer manager coordinating services between 200 students and tutors in an adult refugee English as a Second Language program. We benefit greatly from the skills and perspectives of young people, but the job requires volunteers to be self-directed and mature enough to handle the assignment. May I offer some advice to those who wish to volunteer for any program for class credit -- as an intern or during summer vacation?

Understand that your assignment is a job. Someone is counting on you to be reliable and do it well -- even though you're not being paid. If you want to volunteer, call me yourself. Our conversation will be, for all intents and purposes, a job interview. I do not want to talk to your mother unless she's the one looking for the assignment.

Nonprofit organizations offer volunteers work experience and insight into a life that is unfamiliar to you. If you're not ready to commit to an assignment, ask the manager if you can "shadow" someone who is currently volunteering. It's a great way to see if the work interests you.

My volunteers are the most dedicated, intrepid, compassionate people I have ever met. They succeed because they're enthusiastic and sincere in their desire to contribute. They range in age from 17 to 82, but they all have one thing in common: They picked up the phone and spent time doing their own research.

Volunteering is an excellent way to make a difference in the world, especially when you understand where you fit into that world. -- VOLUNTEER MANAGER IN DENVER

DEAR MANAGER: Sometimes well-meaning parents try so hard to run interference for their children that they get in the way, and rather than strengthening their children's wings, they don't allow them to develop. For parents of teens and young adults who are interested in volunteering and internships, I hope this letter will serve as a wake-up call. Thank you for writing.

DEAR ABBY: I am invited to a 60th wedding anniversary party. They are requesting that all the guests wear white. I think it's unfair to ask that of a guest. I recently lost weight and will have to buy something new to wear, besides paying for my hotel and a nice gift.

I care about the couple and want to share this special occasion with them, but I'm on a fixed income. To have to go out and buy something new is a hardship. Abby, what do you think? -- REASONABLE IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR REASONABLE: I think you should consider some other options than buying a new outfit. Could you borrow a white outfit from someone? Or browse resale boutiques to see if they have something? If they don't, contact the anniversary couple and see if they would mind your wearing the palest outfit you have. After all, the white attire is being requested, not ordered.

DEAR ABBY: My fiance is a "screamer" during lovemaking. This bothers me. Is there a cure? -- SUBDUED IN ALBUQUERQUE

DEAR SUBDUED: For him? No. For you, the "cure" is to learn to be less self-conscious about the fact that your fiance is enjoying himself, because you are not going to change him.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

DEAR ABBY: My fraternal twin, "Marla," was always difficult. When we were kids she was physically and emotionally abusive. She stopped hitting me only after I outgrew her in high school, but she continues to try to control me.

When I started dating my wife, "Gloria," Marla would tell me Gloria wasn't good enough for me. At first, it gave me serious doubts about the woman who is the love of my life. We're now expecting our first child -- a daughter -- and Marla has been offering parenting advice that goes against what Gloria and I feel about child-rearing. When I politely decline her advice, Marla accuses me of being "selfish" for not appreciating it.

A parenting book was delivered anonymously to our home. It took me a few days to remember that Marla had mentioned it. Five days later she sent me an angry email because I hadn't thanked her for it.

Spats like this usually result in our not speaking for months. I harbor no ill will toward my sister and often don't know why we're fighting. She seems to thrive on the drama she creates with these artificial rifts.

I want my daughter exposed to healthy adult relationships, not abusive ones. How do I tell my twin I love her, but she must stop trying to control me and create conflict where none exists? I don't want to have to cut her out of my life. -- SOON-TO-BE-DAD

DEAR SOON-TO-BE-DAD: The patterns of a lifetime won't change without work on both your parts. Tell your twin that if she wants to be a part of your life -- and your daughter's -- some radical changes will be necessary. Offer to join her in family therapy. If she agrees, recognize that change won't be easy for her. If she refuses, do what you must to protect your child from her controlling and manipulative behavior.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 25-year-old man. I have been in a two-year relationship with the most beautiful woman I have ever met. "Amanda" is 23, and she has just told me she plans on joining the Navy.

I respect her decision and courage to better her life and future career. However, my feelings are deeply hurt. I don't understand how, after all this time, she could change course and put our relationship on the back burner.

Amanda says she wants us to stay together and promises that everything will be all right. I love her with all my heart. Do you think after four years in the Navy our love will be as strong? At our age, is it worth keeping ourselves exclusive to each other? -- IN SHOCK IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR IN SHOCK: I wish you had mentioned why Amanda has decided to join the military. Could it be she's doing it because, in return for her service, they will pay for her education? If that's the case, then respect her decision and her determination to better her life.

Whether your romance can weather the separation her service in the Navy will require depends, frankly, on how much each of you has invested in it. Other couples have managed. My advice is to take it day by day and you'll have your answer.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 15-year-old girl who has never been popular with boys. It has always been something that has bothered me. The hardest part is watching my friends date while I have to stay home.

One way I was able to make myself feel better was by telling myself everything would change when high school started. By the end of our first week as freshmen, my friend "Lily" had a new boyfriend and I'm still alone. Her boyfriend actually joked that I should "play for the other team" because I have no chance of getting a guy. Needless to say, my friendship with Lily is over, but her boyfriend's comment is still sticking with me.

Abby, do I really have no chance with guys? Am I overreacting about not having a boyfriend? I feel I should have dated plenty by now. -- WAITING FOR THE FIRST KISS IN JERSEY

DEAR WAITING: The comment Lily's boyfriend made was asinine and uncalled for. Please don't measure your worth using that immature boy's yardstick. Not being a belle of the ball in high school doesn't mean you won't blossom socially later. Many people do. You will get the kiss you're craving and validation, too, if you'll be a little more patient.

Use this time to concentrate on your studies, athletics, special interests, volunteering in your community and completing your education. Those things are more important than a boyfriend right now -- and they'll leave you with less time to brood. When you're older, you will meet men (not boys) who value what you have to offer. And yes, I know you have probably heard this before, but it's true.

DEAR ABBY: I have a woman friend who is always saying to me, "I wish just you and I could go do something together." So the other day I called her and suggested we visit a local flea market -- which we both love -- and then go to a local festival. She replied that it sounded great, but she needed to talk to her husband, "Ted," to see if he wanted to join us.

Abby, she does this to me all the time. I'm tired of inviting her for a girls' day and having her come only if Ted is coming. Should I stop the invitations? -- TICKED OFF IN FLORIDA

DEAR TICKED OFF: No, before you do that you should tell her how you feel about her sending you mixed messages. And if it happens again, then stop inviting her.

DEAR ABBY: I recently took my official college graduation photo and was excited to show my mom. She said she was OK with my giving her one of the small photos because she didn't want to put any more holes in the wall. It really upset me.

I am the first person in my family to graduate from college. Mom's comment about not wanting holes in the wall was unacceptable. I argued with her, cried and told her how I felt. Mom told me to get out and that I had no right to tell her what to do in her house.

I'm still hurt. I feel that if she's as proud of my accomplishments as she says, she should show it. She apologized later, but her comment still stings. Please help me get over it. -- UPSET COLLEGE SENIOR

DEAR UPSET: I'll try. Your mother may have been tactless, but it's important that you bury the hatchet. Her pride in your accomplishments is not as important as your own pride in them. Remember that, and no one will ever be able to make you feel diminished!