DEAR ABBY: I'm the mother of two boys who are 12 and 13. The letter from "Terrified for My Niece in the Southwest" (Feb. 16) horrified me. The aunt who wrote the letter said her sister "bragged" about how popular her 14-year-old daughter is because she gives oral sex to the boys. Is this the kind of girl my sons are exposed to at school?

I know kids are curious and experiment at this age, but it's disturbing that the mother of this girl doesn't see that her actions are dangerous and can lead to more serious sexual situations. If she were my niece, I would speak up and let Mom know exactly how I felt in hopes that she would recognize how inappropriate her daughter's actions are. Pregnancy can become a harsh reality to a parent who was blind to the seriousness of her child's actions. -- YVETTE IN RANCHO SANTA MARGARITA, CALIF.

DEAR YVETTE: Thank you for writing. Many readers were equally disturbed by that letter, and a few even questioned its authenticity. I spoke to the aunt who wrote the letter. She verified that she had written it and everything she said was true. Perhaps the following responses will serve as a wake-up call for teens and parents:

DEAR ABBY: I have been a criminal investigator for more than 38 years and can state with certainty that having sex with Naomi is a felony in most, if not all, states, particularly if the boy is over the age of 16. At 14, this girl is not able to give consent. What is happening is considered an act of rape, even if it is voluntary on her part.

Someone needs to intervene now before some "innocent" boy gets charged with a crime. I've handled too many cases where boys have been charged with rape when the girl gets angry at him for almost no reason. The welfare of all the children is at stake! -- "SNOOPER" IN WISCONSIN

DEAR ABBY: This letter literally makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up when I think about a mother who would actually brag about something like this to family and do nothing about it. That mother is in desperate need of counseling, and Naomi is in desperate need of guidance because, obviously, she's not getting any from her mom. I wonder if her dad has any idea what's going on? -- A MOM IN GREAT FALLS, MONT.

DEAR ABBY: "Terrified's" niece is being sexually abused. It would be particularly egregious if her partners are 18 or older. For her mother to crow about her daughter's exploits makes her an unfit parent. "Terrified" needs to take a firm stand with her sister, and if she is ignored, the authorities should be contacted. -- MIKE IN NEW YORK

DEAR ABBY: This girl's mother is abdicating her responsibilities as a parent and indirectly condoning and encouraging her daughter's promiscuous behavior. The emotional damage could be irreparable. Naomi is being used and abused by any young man with whom she is involved. The aunt should talk to her sister and, if there is a father in the house, he needs to know about his daughter.

In my opinion, that mother wants her daughter to be popular for all the wrong reasons. Mom sounds like someone who sat on the sidelines in high school and never understood that what makes a person popular is the ability to carry on an intelligent conversation, get good grades, provide community service and so on. Pity! -- BARBARA IN KALAMAZOO, MICH.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating a wonderful woman I'll call "Shannon" for a year and a half. She has most things that I want in a partner, and I often feel she's better than I deserve. We're in our early 30s, and Shannon is saying she will soon need some kind of idea where we are going in the future.

I'm having trouble with the notion of committing to her forever because I'm still attracted to other women. (I haven't been involved with anyone else since starting to date her.) More worrisome, I'm afraid I'll meet someone I'm more attracted to a few years down the road.

How can I be sure that Shannon will make me happier than anyone else I might meet in the future? -- CONFLICTED IN WASHINGTON STATE

DEAR CONFLICTED: You say Shannon has "most" things you want in a partner. Yet I sense that you're not as physically attracted to her as you think you should be. If this woman does not appeal to you, then face it -- she's not for you.

Of course, regardless of how attractive one's partner is, there are no guarantees that anyone -- male or female -- won't meet someone who is different and appealing at some point in the future. But those who are mature and committed usually realize they have enough invested emotionally in their marriage and children that they can resist temptation. It's called being an adult.

DEAR ABBY: At least once a week my boss and I drive together from our office to meetings throughout town. She always insists on driving. My problem is, she drives erratically and I often feel in danger with her behind the wheel. Not only does she swerve in and out of lanes without signaling, she is often talking on her cell phone (which is not illegal in our state).

I'd be happy to drive. I have a comfortable, reliable car and a safe driving history. I have offered, "I'd be glad to drive so you'll be free to give your full attention to important phone calls." None of my efforts has worked.

I don't want to be rude or insulting -- and certainly don't want to create an awkward situation with my boss -- but I don't want to keep putting myself at risk with her terrible driving. I'd be grateful for some advice. -- RIDING SHOTGUN IN MIAMI

DEAR RIDING SHOTGUN: It's time for another -- more direct -- chat with your boss. You should not have to worry every time you get into a car with her that you might not arrive in one piece. Tell her: "When you talk on the phone while you drive, it makes me very nervous. I'm concerned about my safety as well as the safety of others when you do it. If you don't want me to drive so you can make your calls, I will meet you at our destination."

DEAR ABBY: After her second mammogram in 10 years, my mother-in-law now needs a double mastectomy. An annual mammogram would have caught it early enough to prevent its spread.

Since I have trouble remembering when it has been a year since my last exam, I decided to schedule my annual exam on my birthday. Now I will always remember when it's time for my annual gift to myself -- preventive health care. -- ANNUAL ALISON IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR ANNUAL ALISON: That's an excellent suggestion. Associating annual medical exams with a holiday -- like Valentine's Day -- would be another.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 21-year-old male who feels lost and unfulfilled, and it's because I don't know what I want or deserve. I am one of three adopted children. I was the child who always needed the family support system the most. I come from a not-so-happy family, one with all its priorities centered around money. (Or, more accurately, lack of money.) I never felt the love a child should feel from his family.

My problem these days is my alcohol intake. I can't stay away from beer. I drink to forget my family problems and the fact that I can't seem to get anything right.

I dropped out of college because I don't have a passion for anything or anyone. I used to have hobbies -- like writing, photography, etc. -- but the beer has taken away my motivation and creativity.

I feel I'm losing my will to keep trying. I want so badly to keep trying, but my emotions are keeping me down. I just want something new, something I can give my all to, something that won't hurt me in the future. -- WHAT CAN I DO?

DEAR WHAT CAN I DO?: I'm glad you wrote, because I know of a group that may be able to give you the emotional support you need to get back on track and regain control of your life. It's Emotions Anonymous. Founded in 1971, it has 850 chapters worldwide and 450 in the United States. It is a 12-step program for people experiencing emotional difficulties. In these groups, members help each other by sharing experiences, strengths and hopes in order to improve their emotional health. It also offers books and literature to new and existing groups. The email address is eainfo(at)emotionsanonymous.org and its website is www.emotionsanonymous.org.

DEAR ABBY: Back in second grade I was friends with "Jessica." A girl named "Kristy" started at my school, and I became friends with her, too. She didn't want me to be friendly with Jessica, and before long I began to pick on Jessica with Kristy. It reached the point where Kristy and two other girls wrote some mean things about Jessica on the blacktop. I didn't write anything, but I got in trouble, too. I knew I'd made a mistake and hurt her, and I felt bad about it.

A year or so later I apologized for what I had done. Jessica said it was OK, but I continued feeling guilty over the years for having teased her and not resisting peer pressure. When I was in high school, I sent her a message online and apologized again. Although she said again it was OK, I feel she still holds some resentment, and I don't blame her.

We're both adults now, and I see her when I shop at the store up the road from my house. Each time I'm in the checkout line she's working in, I get a cold attitude. I have told her I was wrong and have tried to make it up to her. Do I leave it alone or keep trying to reach out to her? -- HEAVY HEART IN MAINE

DEAR HEAVY HEART: Find some other way to expiate your guilt. Jessica has told you twice that you're forgiven. Leave her alone because for you to keep bringing up what had to have been a painful (although closed) chapter in her life at this point is creepy. If you can't do that, then please, shop someplace else or stand in a different checkout line.

DEAR ABBY: When one person owes another person an apology, does it count as a legitimate apology if the word "but" is tacked on at the end? I think adding "but" takes away from the admission of fault and places the blame back on the person owed the apology. Am I right? -- WAITING FOR AN APOLOGY

DEAR WAITING: Yes, you are. When someone adds "but" at the end of an apology, he or she is trying to justify whatever the offense was. And that's not a true apology.

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