DEAR ABBY: Please reprint the list of signs of an abuser. I lost the list I had, but I think my husband is one. He calls me names like "stupid" and "slut." He tells me what clothes to wear, and if I refuse he threatens to cut them up. When we argue, he threatens to call 911 and have me locked up. He says everything that goes wrong is my fault.

We have been married 31 years. The stress is ruining my health. I have no money and no job. He stands in front of the door to keep me from leaving or going anywhere. Should I call a hotline or try to find a women's shelter? -- END OF MY ROPE

DEAR END: While you haven't been battered, your husband's treatment qualifies as emotional abuse. The National Domestic Violence Hotline toll-free number is (800) 799-7233. Do not try to leave without calling it first.

The signs of an abuser are:

(1) PUSHES FOR QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Comes on strong, claiming, "I've never felt loved like this by anyone." An abuser pressures the new partner for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.

(2) JEALOUSY: Excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly; prevents you from going to work because "you might meet someone"; checks the mileage on your car.

(3) CONTROLLING: Interrogates you intensely (especially if you're late) about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.

(4) UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Expects you to be the perfect woman and meet his every need.

(5) ISOLATION: Tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of "causing trouble"; the abuser may deprive you of a phone or car or try to prevent you from holding a job.

(6) BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS AND MISTAKES: It's always someone else's fault if anything goes wrong.

(7) MAKES EVERYONE ELSE RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OR HER FEELINGS: The abuser says, "You make me angry" instead of, "I am angry" or says, "You're hurting me by not doing what I tell you."

(8) HYPERSENSITIVITY: Is easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really mad. Rants about the injustice of things that are just part of life.

(9) CRUELTY TO ANIMALS AND TO CHILDREN: Kills or punishes animals brutally. Also, may expect children to do things that are far beyond their ability (whips a 3-year-old for wetting a diaper) or may tease them until they cry. Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partner will also abuse children.

(10) "PLAYFUL" USE OF FORCE DURING SEX: Enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will during sex; finds the idea of rape exciting.

(11) VERBAL ABUSE: Constantly criticizes you, or says blatantly cruel things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. This may also involve sleep deprivation, waking you up with relentless verbal abuse.

(12) RIGID GENDER ROLES: Expects you to serve, obey and remain at home.

(13) SUDDEN MOOD SWINGS: Switches from sweet to violent in a matter of minutes.

(14) PAST BATTERING: Admits to hitting a mate in the past, but says they made him (or her) do it.

(15) THREATS OF VIOLENCE: Says things like, "I'll break your neck" or "I'll kill you," and then dismisses them with, "Everybody talks that way" or "I didn't really mean it."

DEAR ABBY: "Heartbroken Teacher in Oakland, Calif." (Jan. 14) did absolutely nothing wrong! He wrote a letter of recommendation based on his knowledge and impression of one of his students. That was all he could and should have done. He wasn't obligated to do a background check or any kind of research. That is for the future employer to do if he/she chooses.

I also teach, and would have done exactly the same as he did. It is shocking and sad to discover that one's impression of a student was partially incorrect. Keeping secrets about past wrongdoings is nothing new. But social networking sites make the evidence of such behavior more accessible. This is an issue for our society to address. -- HELEN IN LOMPOC, CALIF.

DEAR HELEN: I agree. And only time will tell how it will be resolved. That letter, from a teacher shocked to learn a respected student had posted inappropriate stories about herself online, generated tons of responses from both here and abroad. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I am a 25-year-old education student. I don't have a social networking site, nor do I have any desire to create one. I don't understand the importance of posting pictures and personal information on the Internet for all to see. My father, a computer programmer, taught me that once something is posted on the Internet, it's there forever, regardless of whether it is deleted or not.

When I ask classmates why they use a social networking site, the most common answer is, "To stay in touch with family and friends." The last time I checked, the telephone was used for that reason. -- KIM IN ORADELL, N.J.

DEAR ABBY: I am tired of living in a world that revolves around social networking sites. As a 20-something, I have friends who don't think twice about what they post. They'll tell the world anything -- from drug use, sex stories, their latest vandalism to their disgusting underage drunken escapades. They also include semi-nude photos of themselves because they think it's cute. I truly am ... ASHAMED OF MY GENERATION, RED OAK, TEXAS

DEAR ABBY: As teachers, we never completely see the character of our students. I interact with them outside of the classroom, but only at lunch and in student groups. No matter how friendly I become with my students, I am always their teacher, so I can never fully know who they are, and I never assume that I do.

When I write a recommendation, I can only comment on the person I was able to observe as their teacher (or rarely, mentor). My recommendation letters often mention my boundaries of perception, and I never go beyond that. Teachers shouldn't fear the repercussions of their comments if they honestly state what they observed. -- CHRISTENSEN IN DAEGU, SOUTH KOREA

DEAR ABBY: Employers managed for centuries without being able to learn a person's life story at the click of a button. There's a reason it's called "social networking." If we wanted our employers there, we'd invite them. Anyone who snoops uninvited is invading our privacy. My employer pays me for the time I am at work. The rest of the time, I should be free to do as I please. -- CHRISTOPHER IN COLUMBUS, OHIO

DEAR ABBY: Years ago, we had a different definition of "friend." A friend was a flesh-and-blood person with whom one visited face-to-face, not some image on an electronic screen. Before I'm branded an old fogy, let me say I realize social networking sites have advantages and disadvantages.

In my youth -- and occasionally even now -- when I get together with friends, discretion is sometimes thrown to the wind. But if I decide to put the proverbial lamp shade on my head, it's in the company of a chosen few. Why do the youth of today pride themselves in exposing their indiscretions? Do they really need a record of all the times they acted like a jackass? -- RATIONAL IN JOHNSTOWN, PA.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

DEAR ABBY: I have read with interest your columns with tales of discontent involving overbearing in-laws. Some of them have been downright frightening, although, of course, not all in-law relationships are fraught with conflict.

I bring this up because I'm about to become a mother-in-law for the first time. My oldest son will marry his longtime girlfriend early this summer. She's a lovely girl, and we already consider her to be a cherished member of our family.

I remember a "Mother-in-Law's Prayer" that ran in your column years ago. It was a kind of "pep talk" from a woman to herself as she approaches mother-in-law status. I found it quite humorous. Would you please reprint it for me and for other mothers-in-law as the spring wedding season beckons? Hopefully, I won't need to refer to it often. Also, how can I get the booklet that contains it? -- KATHERINE M., FORT WAYNE, IND.

DEAR KATHERINE: Congratulations on your son's forthcoming wedding. The item you referenced has been asked for many times.

Over the years, readers have requested that I reprint articles that have special meaning to them on subjects such as parenting, children, animals, aging, death, forgiveness, etc. My booklet ("Keepers") contains 72 column pieces that people have told me they kept to re-read until the pieces were yellow with age and falling apart. It can be ordered by sending your name and mailing address, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. Shipping and handling are included in the price. You'll find stories, poems and prayers like the one below to inspire you, make you think or simply brighten your day.

If all mother-in-law relationships were judged solely by the letters in my column, many people would conclude that it's an emotional minefield. I discussed this subject with a psychiatrist who shared that a mother-in-law who is perceived as overbearing may be one who was a conscientious mother. But now that her child is grown, she finds it difficult to relinquish her role as teacher and protector and quit "hovering" -- an interesting observation.

A MOTHER-IN-LAW'S PRAYER

"O, Lord, help me to be glad when my son (or daughter) picks a mate. If he brings home a girl with two heads, let me love both of them equally. And when my son says, 'Mom, I want to get married,' forbid that I should blurt out, 'How far along is she?'

"And please, Lord, help me to get through the wedding preparations without a squabble with the 'other side.' And drive from my mind the belief that had my child waited a while, he or she could have done better.

"Dear Lord, remind me daily that when I become a grandmother, my children don't want advice on how to raise their children any more than I did when I was raising mine.

"If you will help me to do these things, perhaps my children will find me a joy to be around, and maybe I won't have to write a 'Dear Abby' letter complaining about my children neglecting me. Amen."