DEAR ABBY: I recently attended a play with my mother and daughter. We were looking forward to an evening together. After we were seated, a young girl and her mother came and sat directly behind us. The girl was sick and she coughed -- hacked, really -- throughout the entire performance. Not only was it disturbing, but the coughing was so loud we missed a lot of the dialogue.

Those tickets were not cheap and we did not enjoy the play as much as we could have. What would have been the proper way to handle that situation? -- ANNOYED THEATERGOER IN CHICAGO

DEAR ANNOYED: Unless the house was sold out, you should have spoken to an usher or the theater manager and asked to be seated elsewhere. And if you were concerned about catching something, you should have asked to exchange the tickets for another performance and left.

DEAR ABBY: I have an ex-boyfriend with whom I have remained friends since we broke up two years ago. We see each other a few times a year, but I haven't seen him in six months.

Last Christmas, as a gift, I bought him a bottle of wine I know he enjoys. I have mentioned several times that we should get together so I can give it to him, but he is making no effort to hang out.

At what point do I put the bottle to better use and drink it myself? -- MIKE IN ST. PAUL

DEAR MIKE: How about tonight? And be sure to share it with someone who will appreciate your company as well as the wine.

DEAR ABBY: I am the mother of a beautiful daughter who has never met her real father. I wasn't sure about who he was, a fact I'm not proud of. I tried to convince myself that her dad was the one guy I really liked at the time, but as she has grown older, many of her mannerisms and little habits reflect characteristics of the other guy ("Bobby") who was also in my life then. I parted ways with both men while I was pregnant.

I am currently married, although we are struggling. I am now questioning whether I should try to locate Bobby to see if he is the father. I don't expect anything from him, but I would like a resolution. This could strain my relationship with my husband, but if Bobby is the father, I strongly feel he has a right to know. Please help me figure out what to do. -- UNSURE IN ILLINOIS

DEAR UNSURE: Because you are willing to risk straining the relationship you have with your current husband, explain to him that you need to be sure of the identity of your daughter's father because the man's medical history could one day be important for her to have. It's the truth.

Then contact both men you were seeing at the time of her conception, explain the situation, and request a DNA test. If you let them know that you don't expect anything from them but their medical history, they may be willing to comply -- and you'll have your answer.

DEAR ABBY: May I share another "pennies from heaven" story you might find interesting?

My oldest sister was very sick in the hospital, and I was heading there during the mid-morning. When I got to my car, I glanced down at the curb. I spotted a penny lying there, picked it up and glanced at my wristwatch. It was 10:30.

When I arrived at the hospital, I saw her son and daughter-in-law holding each other and crying. When I ran to them, they told me Mary was gone. She had died at 10:30. -- LILLIAN C., BOCA RATON, FLA.

DEAR LILLIAN: How poignant. It appears she couldn't leave you without saying goodbye.

DEAR ABBY: For several years, a group of ladies at work have held fundraisers so they could participate in cancer charity walks. We have all donated willingly, but someone recently pointed out something disturbing.

Every year, this group travels to a different location for the walk, using the funds they have raised for the charity. There is a walk within driving distance. The funds they raise could be donated to the cause instead of spent on flights, hotels, meals, etc. One of them commented that they "might as well get something out of it."

Are we wrong to feel this is not a good thing? Someone said we're paying for their vacation. At this point we are confused about the whole mess. Any comments? -- BAFFLED IN NEW ENGLAND

DEAR BAFFLED: You're not wrong. Any monies raised the way these "ladies" have done should have been donated to cancer research. The comment your co-worker made to you was revealing. What you have described sounds like fraud. What those women should have "gotten out of it" was the satisfaction of knowing they were doing something for a worthy cause. This would not include treating themselves to a group vacation. If you continue to support this effort, the check(s) should be made payable to the charity.

DEAR ABBY: Are there any rules of etiquette involving unwanted guests at funerals? While I have many loved ones and friends, I have also made a few enemies in my life. I have made clear to my husband that I do not want "certain people" to be allowed to attend my funeral when I die.

I have always found it distasteful when folks show up at funerals for someone they disliked or didn't know well. It ruins it for those who really did love the deceased. I do not want my enemies trying to make themselves feel better by showing up and pretending they cared.

My husband is against the idea. I made him promise that he'd do this for me because, even though I'll be dead and may not care then, I do care very much now.

P.S. My husband wants to know how one would keep people away from a funeral in the first place. -- PLANNIN' AHEAD IN SODDY-DAISY, TENN.

DEAR PLANNIN': Let's hold a good thought that you'll be around for a long, long time and outlive your enemies. However, if that doesn't happen, a way to ensure that only those you want to attend your funeral will be there is to make it "invitation only." And when your death is announced in the newspaper, it should be stated that the service will be private.

DEAR ABBY: I have been seeing the same gynecologist for eight years. I trust her with my health and my privacy. She recently moved to a new practice and I would like to follow her. My problem is the wife of one of my co-workers is an employee in the new office, and I'm worried that patient confidentiality may not extend to "pillow talk." How do I handle this delicate situation? -- VALUES MY PRIVACY IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR VALUES: Handle it by having a frank talk with your gynecologist, explaining that one of your co-workers is married to an employee in the new office, and asking her how she plans to guarantee your privacy. Explain that you would like to remain her patient, but that this has raised a red flag for you.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: Every year for the last six years, I have hosted a family gathering at my home. Each and every year, my cousin's wife "Jodie" does everything possible to ensure that we all know she's upset about something. She'll sit on my couch as far removed from the family as possible, grumbling under her breath to her husband. Jodie never says more than four words to me (the hostess) the entire time -- none of which are "thank you" -- then she feigns food poisoning! (No one else gets sick.)

This has been going on longer than the six years I have hosted this event. My question is, would it be tactless of me to ask my cousin to leave his wife home next year? I am not the only family member who is disgusted with Jodie's behavior. I think we'd all have a better time if she wasn't there. Would that be wrong of me? -- SICK OF CODDLING HER IN ILLINOIS

DEAR SICK: For a person to repeatedly act the way you have described is not normal behavior. Your cousin's wife may suffer from some significant emotional problems. Is no one in your family close enough to your cousin to express concern about it?

While it would, indeed, be tactless to tell him to leave his wife home instead of bringing her to a family gathering, it might be less so to mention gently that you have noticed she doesn't enjoy herself when she visits -- and that her attendance isn't compulsory. Then listen to what he has to say because it may be enlightening.

DEAR ABBY: My sister "Blanche" has always depended on men to support her. She was married briefly, and after her divorce started going from one man to another. I can't count how many relationships she has been in. Her children are grown, but when they were young they had to endure their mother's lifestyle.

Blanche has just moved in with another man. She's 45, and has no job or money, but has gotten good at selling her pity story. Unfortunately, her new boyfriend, "Stanley," is an old friend of mine. Although we haven't been in contact for years, I'm concerned about his dating my sister. He's going through some hard times due to the loss of a family member. Blanche homed in on this and moved in with him to "help him grieve."

Abby, I know the damage my sister can cause. It never turns out pretty. She uses people to get what she wants, then if it turns sour, she becomes a stalker. She has refused my recommendations for counseling. I feel obligated to let Stanley's family know about Blanche's history. She's trying to prevent me from contacting him because she doesn't want her past revealed. What do you suggest? -- FEARFUL SIS IN MISSOURI

DEAR FEARFUL SIS: I strongly recommend that rather than telling Stanley's family your sister's history, you tell Stanley directly. To do otherwise would be interpreted as an underhanded attempt to break up his romance, would not be appreciated, and could only bring them closer.

DEAR ABBY: Help! If one spouse snores, the other can't sleep. Please print some solutions to this problem that have worked for your readers. We sleep in separate beds almost every night. -- SEEKING SLUMBER IN SANTA BARBARA

DEAR SEEKING SLUMBER: When one spouse snores so loudly that it keeps the other awake, it could be a symptom of a serious medical problem. While my readers may be kind enough to offer home remedies, my advice is that the snorer should consult his or her physician to find out what's causing it.