DEAR ABBY: For several years, a group of ladies at work have held fundraisers so they could participate in cancer charity walks. We have all donated willingly, but someone recently pointed out something disturbing.

Every year, this group travels to a different location for the walk, using the funds they have raised for the charity. There is a walk within driving distance. The funds they raise could be donated to the cause instead of spent on flights, hotels, meals, etc. One of them commented that they "might as well get something out of it."

Are we wrong to feel this is not a good thing? Someone said we're paying for their vacation. At this point we are confused about the whole mess. Any comments? -- BAFFLED IN NEW ENGLAND

DEAR BAFFLED: You're not wrong. Any monies raised the way these "ladies" have done should have been donated to cancer research. The comment your co-worker made to you was revealing. What you have described sounds like fraud. What those women should have "gotten out of it" was the satisfaction of knowing they were doing something for a worthy cause. This would not include treating themselves to a group vacation. If you continue to support this effort, the check(s) should be made payable to the charity.

DEAR ABBY: Are there any rules of etiquette involving unwanted guests at funerals? While I have many loved ones and friends, I have also made a few enemies in my life. I have made clear to my husband that I do not want "certain people" to be allowed to attend my funeral when I die.

I have always found it distasteful when folks show up at funerals for someone they disliked or didn't know well. It ruins it for those who really did love the deceased. I do not want my enemies trying to make themselves feel better by showing up and pretending they cared.

My husband is against the idea. I made him promise that he'd do this for me because, even though I'll be dead and may not care then, I do care very much now.

P.S. My husband wants to know how one would keep people away from a funeral in the first place. -- PLANNIN' AHEAD IN SODDY-DAISY, TENN.

DEAR PLANNIN': Let's hold a good thought that you'll be around for a long, long time and outlive your enemies. However, if that doesn't happen, a way to ensure that only those you want to attend your funeral will be there is to make it "invitation only." And when your death is announced in the newspaper, it should be stated that the service will be private.

DEAR ABBY: I have been seeing the same gynecologist for eight years. I trust her with my health and my privacy. She recently moved to a new practice and I would like to follow her. My problem is the wife of one of my co-workers is an employee in the new office, and I'm worried that patient confidentiality may not extend to "pillow talk." How do I handle this delicate situation? -- VALUES MY PRIVACY IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR VALUES: Handle it by having a frank talk with your gynecologist, explaining that one of your co-workers is married to an employee in the new office, and asking her how she plans to guarantee your privacy. Explain that you would like to remain her patient, but that this has raised a red flag for you.

DEAR ABBY: Every year for the last six years, I have hosted a family gathering at my home. Each and every year, my cousin's wife "Jodie" does everything possible to ensure that we all know she's upset about something. She'll sit on my couch as far removed from the family as possible, grumbling under her breath to her husband. Jodie never says more than four words to me (the hostess) the entire time -- none of which are "thank you" -- then she feigns food poisoning! (No one else gets sick.)

This has been going on longer than the six years I have hosted this event. My question is, would it be tactless of me to ask my cousin to leave his wife home next year? I am not the only family member who is disgusted with Jodie's behavior. I think we'd all have a better time if she wasn't there. Would that be wrong of me? -- SICK OF CODDLING HER IN ILLINOIS

DEAR SICK: For a person to repeatedly act the way you have described is not normal behavior. Your cousin's wife may suffer from some significant emotional problems. Is no one in your family close enough to your cousin to express concern about it?

While it would, indeed, be tactless to tell him to leave his wife home instead of bringing her to a family gathering, it might be less so to mention gently that you have noticed she doesn't enjoy herself when she visits -- and that her attendance isn't compulsory. Then listen to what he has to say because it may be enlightening.

DEAR ABBY: My sister "Blanche" has always depended on men to support her. She was married briefly, and after her divorce started going from one man to another. I can't count how many relationships she has been in. Her children are grown, but when they were young they had to endure their mother's lifestyle.

Blanche has just moved in with another man. She's 45, and has no job or money, but has gotten good at selling her pity story. Unfortunately, her new boyfriend, "Stanley," is an old friend of mine. Although we haven't been in contact for years, I'm concerned about his dating my sister. He's going through some hard times due to the loss of a family member. Blanche homed in on this and moved in with him to "help him grieve."

Abby, I know the damage my sister can cause. It never turns out pretty. She uses people to get what she wants, then if it turns sour, she becomes a stalker. She has refused my recommendations for counseling. I feel obligated to let Stanley's family know about Blanche's history. She's trying to prevent me from contacting him because she doesn't want her past revealed. What do you suggest? -- FEARFUL SIS IN MISSOURI

DEAR FEARFUL SIS: I strongly recommend that rather than telling Stanley's family your sister's history, you tell Stanley directly. To do otherwise would be interpreted as an underhanded attempt to break up his romance, would not be appreciated, and could only bring them closer.

DEAR ABBY: My sister "Blanche" has always depended on men to support her. She was married briefly, and after her divorce started going from one man to another. I can't count how many relationships she has been in. Her children are grown, but when they were young they had to endure their mother's lifestyle.

Blanche has just moved in with another man. She's 45, and has no job or money, but has gotten good at selling her pity story. Unfortunately, her new boyfriend, "Stanley," is an old friend of mine. Although we haven't been in contact for years, I'm concerned about his dating my sister. He's going through some hard times due to the loss of a family member. Blanche homed in on this and moved in with him to "help him grieve."

Abby, I know the damage my sister can cause. It never turns out pretty. She uses people to get what she wants, then if it turns sour, she becomes a stalker. She has refused my recommendations for counseling. I feel obligated to let Stanley's family know about Blanche's history. She's trying to prevent me from contacting him because she doesn't want her past revealed. What do you suggest? -- FEARFUL SIS IN MISSOURI

DEAR FEARFUL SIS: I strongly recommend that rather than telling Stanley's family your sister's history, you tell Stanley directly. To do otherwise would be interpreted as an underhanded attempt to break up his romance, would not be appreciated, and could only bring them closer.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I moved into our first home two years ago. A few months after that, our lives got even better with the addition of our son.

After living here for a while, we noticed that the neighbors behind us have a large window in their shower, and they tend to take a lot of nighttime showers. (I'm sure you can see where this is heading.) For a long time, we chose to ignore it, but my motherly instincts are getting the better of me now. I can't help thinking of the day when my son is old enough to realize what he's seeing.

My husband and I have been debating whether to tell our neighbors we can see them showering. Sometimes they get pretty carried away in there. Should I tell them we can see everything? And if so, how do I go about it without causing them to be embarrassed, ashamed or angry? -- GETTING AN EYEFUL IN OHIO

DEAR GETTING AN EYEFUL: Another shower letter! Write your neighbors a polite note telling them there is a clear view into their shower when their lights are on at night. Explain that before your son was born this was not of concern to you, but now that you have a small child, you would appreciate it if they would work with you on a solution to this problem. They may not be aware they've been putting on an X-rated show.

DEAR ABBY: I have worked in the same office for more than a decade. Last year I returned to school in an effort to finally get into a field where I can earn more money. I will graduate next spring and, hopefully, will begin a new career.

I need your advice about how to approach my boss when the time comes. This is a very small office and, while I wouldn't call us friends, we probably have a closer relationship than most people in a larger office would have. Any thoughts on the best way to approach this? -- GIVING NOTICE ON THE EAST COAST

DEAR GIVING NOTICE: Because you have been in school for the length of time you have, your announcement will probably not come as much of a surprise to your employer. However, before you give notice, be sure you have another job in place. When you do speak to your employer, thank him or her for your job. Explain that you are ready to start in your new field and offer to spend a few weeks training your replacement to make any transition easier.

DEAR ABBY: My husband recently had major surgery. I wanted to call a few close friends and family members beforehand to let them know. When I told my husband, we had an argument. He felt they would feel obligated to respond. I felt it would be nice for both of us to have support and that they would want to know. As it turned out, I made some calls and we did receive some much-needed support. Was I wrong to do this? (My husband wants your opinion on the matter.) -- GRATEFUL FOR HELPING HANDS IN COLORADO

DEAR GRATEFUL: The prospect of major surgery can be frightening -- both for the patient and the spouse. Your husband may have preferred to downplay it because he was afraid broadcasting it was displaying weakness. You obviously found the prospect traumatic and didn't want to be alone at that time. Was it wrong to ask for help? I don't think so. My advice to your husband is to lighten up and get well soon.