DEAR ABBY: Every year for the last six years, I have hosted a family gathering at my home. Each and every year, my cousin's wife "Jodie" does everything possible to ensure that we all know she's upset about something. She'll sit on my couch as far removed from the family as possible, grumbling under her breath to her husband. Jodie never says more than four words to me (the hostess) the entire time -- none of which are "thank you" -- then she feigns food poisoning! (No one else gets sick.)

This has been going on longer than the six years I have hosted this event. My question is, would it be tactless of me to ask my cousin to leave his wife home next year? I am not the only family member who is disgusted with Jodie's behavior. I think we'd all have a better time if she wasn't there. Would that be wrong of me? -- SICK OF CODDLING HER IN ILLINOIS

DEAR SICK: For a person to repeatedly act the way you have described is not normal behavior. Your cousin's wife may suffer from some significant emotional problems. Is no one in your family close enough to your cousin to express concern about it?

While it would, indeed, be tactless to tell him to leave his wife home instead of bringing her to a family gathering, it might be less so to mention gently that you have noticed she doesn't enjoy herself when she visits -- and that her attendance isn't compulsory. Then listen to what he has to say because it may be enlightening.

DEAR ABBY: My sister "Blanche" has always depended on men to support her. She was married briefly, and after her divorce started going from one man to another. I can't count how many relationships she has been in. Her children are grown, but when they were young they had to endure their mother's lifestyle.

Blanche has just moved in with another man. She's 45, and has no job or money, but has gotten good at selling her pity story. Unfortunately, her new boyfriend, "Stanley," is an old friend of mine. Although we haven't been in contact for years, I'm concerned about his dating my sister. He's going through some hard times due to the loss of a family member. Blanche homed in on this and moved in with him to "help him grieve."

Abby, I know the damage my sister can cause. It never turns out pretty. She uses people to get what she wants, then if it turns sour, she becomes a stalker. She has refused my recommendations for counseling. I feel obligated to let Stanley's family know about Blanche's history. She's trying to prevent me from contacting him because she doesn't want her past revealed. What do you suggest? -- FEARFUL SIS IN MISSOURI

DEAR FEARFUL SIS: I strongly recommend that rather than telling Stanley's family your sister's history, you tell Stanley directly. To do otherwise would be interpreted as an underhanded attempt to break up his romance, would not be appreciated, and could only bring them closer.

DEAR ABBY: Help! If one spouse snores, the other can't sleep. Please print some solutions to this problem that have worked for your readers. We sleep in separate beds almost every night. -- SEEKING SLUMBER IN SANTA BARBARA

DEAR SEEKING SLUMBER: When one spouse snores so loudly that it keeps the other awake, it could be a symptom of a serious medical problem. While my readers may be kind enough to offer home remedies, my advice is that the snorer should consult his or her physician to find out what's causing it.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I moved into our first home two years ago. A few months after that, our lives got even better with the addition of our son.

After living here for a while, we noticed that the neighbors behind us have a large window in their shower, and they tend to take a lot of nighttime showers. (I'm sure you can see where this is heading.) For a long time, we chose to ignore it, but my motherly instincts are getting the better of me now. I can't help thinking of the day when my son is old enough to realize what he's seeing.

My husband and I have been debating whether to tell our neighbors we can see them showering. Sometimes they get pretty carried away in there. Should I tell them we can see everything? And if so, how do I go about it without causing them to be embarrassed, ashamed or angry? -- GETTING AN EYEFUL IN OHIO

DEAR GETTING AN EYEFUL: Another shower letter! Write your neighbors a polite note telling them there is a clear view into their shower when their lights are on at night. Explain that before your son was born this was not of concern to you, but now that you have a small child, you would appreciate it if they would work with you on a solution to this problem. They may not be aware they've been putting on an X-rated show.

DEAR ABBY: I have worked in the same office for more than a decade. Last year I returned to school in an effort to finally get into a field where I can earn more money. I will graduate next spring and, hopefully, will begin a new career.

I need your advice about how to approach my boss when the time comes. This is a very small office and, while I wouldn't call us friends, we probably have a closer relationship than most people in a larger office would have. Any thoughts on the best way to approach this? -- GIVING NOTICE ON THE EAST COAST

DEAR GIVING NOTICE: Because you have been in school for the length of time you have, your announcement will probably not come as much of a surprise to your employer. However, before you give notice, be sure you have another job in place. When you do speak to your employer, thank him or her for your job. Explain that you are ready to start in your new field and offer to spend a few weeks training your replacement to make any transition easier.

DEAR ABBY: My husband recently had major surgery. I wanted to call a few close friends and family members beforehand to let them know. When I told my husband, we had an argument. He felt they would feel obligated to respond. I felt it would be nice for both of us to have support and that they would want to know. As it turned out, I made some calls and we did receive some much-needed support. Was I wrong to do this? (My husband wants your opinion on the matter.) -- GRATEFUL FOR HELPING HANDS IN COLORADO

DEAR GRATEFUL: The prospect of major surgery can be frightening -- both for the patient and the spouse. Your husband may have preferred to downplay it because he was afraid broadcasting it was displaying weakness. You obviously found the prospect traumatic and didn't want to be alone at that time. Was it wrong to ask for help? I don't think so. My advice to your husband is to lighten up and get well soon.

DEAR ABBY: This is in response to your Jan. 7 column about "Frannie," whose personal grooming issues may have cost her a promotion at work. The friend who wrote you might suggest that she is making an appointment for both of them at a day spa where trained cosmetologists could "pluck, primp and pretty" them both up with a new look. That way, someone else could actually tell Frannie what to do to improve her appearance, and the friend can feel she has been tactful while still making a difference. It may cost a few dollars, but it could be an effective solution. -- ROWENA IN KANSAS

DEAR ROWENA: "Frannie's Friend" described her as wearing no makeup, sporting a huge unibrow and wearing sandals that expose her hairy feet. I also advised the services of a cosmetologist. However, readers -- some of them males -- vigorously disagree with us. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I'm a male who is put off by women who place too much emphasis on makeup and their "look." I appreciate women who are real and have enough self-confidence not to get bent out of shape over clothes, hairstyles or, of all things, bushy eyebrows.

I would have suggested that Frannie find a job where she's appreciated for her skills, since it's obvious to me her current employer places the emphasis on superficiality. I work in aerospace, where we value (and need) smart women who can make things happen. We love women with strength and character, and tend to be suspicious of someone trying to pull off the "Barbie Doll" image. -- MIKE IN EVERETT, WASH.

DEAR ABBY: Heaven forbid that women present themselves to the world as they are, rather than hidden behind blushes and eye shadows! Why are we taught to be ashamed of our own faces? As for the overly hairy eyebrows, why should it matter?

The writer mentioned that her friend is in shape and dresses well, so it isn't as if she strolls into the office looking unkempt. The real issue here is that Frannie's co-workers judge her on something that has absolutely nothing to do with her work.

I applaud Frannie for being confident enough about who she is not to modify herself to meet other people's shallow standards. Our society has become a vapid, aesthetically demanding place that values appearance over merit. -- CAITLIN IN LOS ANGELES

DEAR ABBY: When a woman has excessive facial hair and hair on the toes and feet, it can be a symptom of an endocrine disorder, particularly polycystic ovary disease. Frannie should visit her OB/GYN to make sure she doesn't have an underlying medical problem. -- PESHTIGO, WIS., READER

DEAR ABBY: Frannie does not owe "prettiness" to anyone but herself. If someone is offended by her unibrow or hairy toes, that's his/her problem, not Frannie's. Unless Frannie is truly clueless or actually desires hair removal, I don't think her friend should mention grooming to her.

Frannie should be encouraged to find a man who likes her for exactly who she is, and not just if she conforms to society's often ridiculous standards of beauty. Your response that Frannie "needs" to hear exactly why her appearance fails to attract men perpetuates the shallow belief that women must change themselves in order to be seen as attractive. -- CLAIRE IN MILWAUKEE

DEAR ABBY: I would not say one word about the appearance of any person in the workplace. I have worked with women who were drop-dead gorgeous and those who could use a major makeover. Their appearance is none of my business. It's not relevant in the workplace today -- except, maybe, in cocktail bars and strip joints. -- JIM IN GALVESTON