DEAR ABBY: This is in response to your Jan. 7 column about "Frannie," whose personal grooming issues may have cost her a promotion at work. The friend who wrote you might suggest that she is making an appointment for both of them at a day spa where trained cosmetologists could "pluck, primp and pretty" them both up with a new look. That way, someone else could actually tell Frannie what to do to improve her appearance, and the friend can feel she has been tactful while still making a difference. It may cost a few dollars, but it could be an effective solution. -- ROWENA IN KANSAS

DEAR ROWENA: "Frannie's Friend" described her as wearing no makeup, sporting a huge unibrow and wearing sandals that expose her hairy feet. I also advised the services of a cosmetologist. However, readers -- some of them males -- vigorously disagree with us. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I'm a male who is put off by women who place too much emphasis on makeup and their "look." I appreciate women who are real and have enough self-confidence not to get bent out of shape over clothes, hairstyles or, of all things, bushy eyebrows.

I would have suggested that Frannie find a job where she's appreciated for her skills, since it's obvious to me her current employer places the emphasis on superficiality. I work in aerospace, where we value (and need) smart women who can make things happen. We love women with strength and character, and tend to be suspicious of someone trying to pull off the "Barbie Doll" image. -- MIKE IN EVERETT, WASH.

DEAR ABBY: Heaven forbid that women present themselves to the world as they are, rather than hidden behind blushes and eye shadows! Why are we taught to be ashamed of our own faces? As for the overly hairy eyebrows, why should it matter?

The writer mentioned that her friend is in shape and dresses well, so it isn't as if she strolls into the office looking unkempt. The real issue here is that Frannie's co-workers judge her on something that has absolutely nothing to do with her work.

I applaud Frannie for being confident enough about who she is not to modify herself to meet other people's shallow standards. Our society has become a vapid, aesthetically demanding place that values appearance over merit. -- CAITLIN IN LOS ANGELES

DEAR ABBY: When a woman has excessive facial hair and hair on the toes and feet, it can be a symptom of an endocrine disorder, particularly polycystic ovary disease. Frannie should visit her OB/GYN to make sure she doesn't have an underlying medical problem. -- PESHTIGO, WIS., READER

DEAR ABBY: Frannie does not owe "prettiness" to anyone but herself. If someone is offended by her unibrow or hairy toes, that's his/her problem, not Frannie's. Unless Frannie is truly clueless or actually desires hair removal, I don't think her friend should mention grooming to her.

Frannie should be encouraged to find a man who likes her for exactly who she is, and not just if she conforms to society's often ridiculous standards of beauty. Your response that Frannie "needs" to hear exactly why her appearance fails to attract men perpetuates the shallow belief that women must change themselves in order to be seen as attractive. -- CLAIRE IN MILWAUKEE

DEAR ABBY: I would not say one word about the appearance of any person in the workplace. I have worked with women who were drop-dead gorgeous and those who could use a major makeover. Their appearance is none of my business. It's not relevant in the workplace today -- except, maybe, in cocktail bars and strip joints. -- JIM IN GALVESTON

DEAR ABBY: My best friend "Diane" and I have known each other since we were children. She has always had difficulty in her relationships with men. In the last three years, she has begun dating married men. She was sure the latest one was the man of her dreams, but it was short-lived and destroyed his marriage. Diane rationalizes what she's doing by saying the men will cheat anyway, so why not with her?

Diane is now in love with someone new. If he leaves his wife and children for her, this will be another home Diane has helped break up. She wants my blessings and for me to get along with her boyfriend. Being a married woman and a mother, I sympathize with the wives of these men.

Why has my best friend become a home wrecker? What can I do to avoid being pulled into this affair without losing her friendship? -- MORALLY COMPROMISED IN MICHIGAN

DEAR MORALLY COMPROMISED: There is no one-size-fits-all answer about why a woman dates married men. Some women do it because they fall in love; others because they don't care whom they hurt to get what they want; while still others see it as a competition they "have" to win -- again and again.

You do not have to allow yourself to be drawn into this. Avoid it by making clear to Diane that as much as you care about her, you don't approve, and want no contact with the new man in her life.

DEAR ABBY: Our son has not spoken to us in 2 1/2 years. This isn't the first time it has happened. When we are asked how he and his family are doing and where they are living, we don't know how to respond. What do we say when meeting someone new and they ask whether we have children?

If we answer that we have one son, a number of questions are sure to follow for which we don't have answers. Can you offer some appropriate responses to these questions that don't require having to say, "We don't know"? -- NEEDS AN ANSWER IN VIRGINIA

DEAR NEEDS AN ANSWER: When someone asks how your son and his family are doing and where they are living, say, "We are estranged." And if you are asked by a stranger if you have any children, look the person in the eye and reply, "I'd rather not discuss it."

DEAR ABBY: I have a neighbor with a lovely family. While I enjoy talking to them, I don't know how to politely tell her to stay home when I have company. She will send her children to my door selling school items when my adult children are here for dinner. She comes into my yard with her kids when I'm entertaining friends from out of town.

I was brought up that if a neighbor has company, you should stay home unless you were invited. I just want some privacy when I have guests. -- NAMELESS IN THE EAST

DEAR NAMELESS: You do have a problem, because it appears your neighbor is someone who never learned boundaries. Unless you tell the woman that when you're entertaining guests, you want her to respect your privacy, she'll continue inviting herself over. And if you prefer that your guests not be subjected to a sales pitch from her children, when they knock, tell them you have company, can't talk to them right now and close your door.

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DEAR ABBY: I am a 49-year-old woman. I was recently contacted by the boyfriend I had when I was in my 20s. "Byron" was the love of my life, but I foolishly broke up with him. I then married a bum and had a child I am raising by myself on a very limited income.

I live in an apartment with mismatched furniture and have no money in savings. My former flame has done well and is now married with three children. I sent him a letter telling him how proud I am of him and of what he has achieved. His reply has brought back a flood of memories, and I feel terrible about where I am and being alone. How can I get over this? -- BYRON'S LONG-AGO EX

DEAR EX: If you want more frustration and heartbreak, continue swimming in your flood of memories. Keep in mind that you dumped Byron "foolishly," and use that life lesson to guide you going forward. Because you are alone now does not mean you'll be alone forever.

Living in an apartment with mismatched furniture does not mean your circumstances can't or won't improve. The answer to your question is to stay focused on the opportunities in front of you rather than looking over your shoulder. That's how you get over this.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have a serious difference of opinion, and I'd like your input.

I am of Indian (Asian, not Native American) origin, and I would like our children to have Indian names because I think they are more unique and prettier.

My husband, who is American, contends they are often difficult to spell and pronounce, and moreover, since we're an "American" family, we ought to chose American names. I disagree.

One of the names he would like to give, I particularly dislike. He says it was his grandfather's name and he would like to carry it on. We don't have kids yet -- and at this rate we're not likely to anytime soon. What do you think about this stalemate? -- CONTEMPLATING PARENTHOOD

DEAR CONTEMPLATING: I think the two of you should compromise. Give the children American first names and Indian middle names. Problem solved.

DEAR ABBY: I was with my boyfriend for two years when he left me for another woman. She was a lunatic who was possessive and jealous, not to mention desperate.

After a while, he realized what he had with me and wanted to come back. Because I still loved him, I gave him another chance.

Abby, she hasn't stopped calling him! She parks in his driveway overnight. She refuses to take no for an answer, although he stopped having anything to do with her.

Now for the kicker: For his birthday, she bought them both a trip to a Caribbean island -- and he accepted! He said he was going only for the trip, but I'm here and he is there with her now. What should I do? -- WEEPING IN WINNIPEG

DEAR WEEPING: Send him on another trip -- a one-way trip out of your life once and for all. Your boyfriend is an opportunist, and you deserve better.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)