DEAR ABBY: My stepmother -- the only mother I have ever known -- has been clinically diagnosed with a paranoid personality. This means she is suspicious, a martyr in any situation and flatly denies anything she thinks would cast her in a negative light. She can be very convincing. Once or twice she has even convinced me that my memories were wrong, although the facts were later corroborated by other family members.

People who can't see through her "act" consider my mother to be a saint. Those who see her clearly know that she's spiteful and vindictive. She has, for years, refused to take her prescribed medicine and won't explore any other treatment. She insists the problem is with everyone else, especially me.

You have told others about the need to cut toxic friends and relatives out of their lives, but how does one do it? I know there will never be closure or a good relationship, but I can't help wanting one. I'm in my mid-30s and feel if my mother doesn't love me, how can anyone else? -- NEEDS A RESOLUTION IN GEORGIA

DEAR NEEDS A RESOLUTION: You have more than one problem. Removing toxic individuals from one's life is as easy as refusing to go along with their behavior. Once you draw the line, those people will "help" you by cutting you out of theirs. Your mother's mental illness may prevent her from loving anyone -- not you specifically.

I hope you realize how important it is to discuss your feelings with a licensed psychotherapist. You have an entire upbringing by a woman with a damaged personality to overcome. The fact that she couldn't love you does not mean you are unlovable. And the sooner you are able to accept that, the more lovable you will be because you will like yourself more.

DEAR ABBY: Ten years ago I was suddenly widowed after many years of marriage. Because I was totally "available," I became very involved with my children and grandchildren. I did not date.

About a year ago, that changed. I met "Gerald," a man who makes me very happy. We enjoy dinners together, dancing and travel. We spend three nights a week together -- usually at my place.

My brothers and friends are happy for me, but my daughters have not accepted him. They are civil in his presence, but in private they put him down. Their objections are: Gerald is more reserved than their father was, he takes up a lot of my time, that I'm "acting like a schoolgirl," and the sleepovers set a bad example for the grandkids. (They are not present when this occurs.)

I have told my daughters repeatedly how happy I am and how hurtful I find their comments. I refuse to listen to their negative comments, but they always come up. I don't want to alienate them and possibly have my time with my grandkids limited, but Gerald is going to be in my life for a while.

Any advice? -- GERALD'S "GIRL"

DEAR GERALD'S "GIRL": As an adult you have the right to live your life as you choose. Because you have already told your daughters their comments are hurtful, it's time to stand your ground more strongly.

Your grandchildren will not be shocked that Gerald is spending nights with you if their parents do not discuss it with them or in front of them. They'll be off doing their own thing as teenagers and, much as they love you, you will not be the focus of their attention.

If your daughters threaten to punish you by limiting your time with the grandkids, let it be their problem. But do not give in to the treatment they are giving you because it is unfair and uncalled-for.

DEAR ABBY: After working 15 years for the same company, I was let go last August. I have called my former co-workers/friends just to stay in touch. I don't dwell on what I'm going through; I just want to enjoy some companionship.

I have asked if they would like to meet for coffee before or after work. Only two ever seem to want to get together. It hurts, because we always shared birthdays, happy hour outings, etc. My phone rarely rings, and I am now seeing a doctor for depression.

Abby, please let your readers know that those of us who have lost their jobs are still trying to maintain relationships. It's hard enough not having a job, but it's harder realizing friends have turned their backs on you. -- FORGOTTEN IN KATY, TEXAS

DEAR FORGOTTEN: I know you're going through a difficult time, and glad that you talked to your physician about your depression. Take from this experience some valuable insight: The people who get together with you are your true friends. Those who no longer want contact may fear that unemployment is a communicable disease and were only acquaintances. And now you know who's who.

DEAR ABBY: My husband is insecure. I do what I can to make him feel loved, but he has a habit that drives me crazy. Many times over the course of a day he'll say, "I love you." He does this especially if there is any hint of disagreement.

At first I thought it was sweet, but after many years of marriage, I now understand that he just uses the words to get me to say it back to reassure him. Sometimes I do, but if I don't, he becomes increasingly distressed.

Should I just give him what he wants? It makes me feel like a puppet. -- TOO MUCH "LOVE"

DEAR TOO MUCH: Instead of "giving him what he wants," have you tried calmly calling him on it? Try this: "John, you know I love you. You hear it many times over the course of a day. But I find it, frankly, annoying that when we disagree about something, you tell me you love me and become increasingly distressed if I don't feel like saying it back at that moment. So, let it go for now."

Your husband needs to hear you say it -- almost as much as you need to get this off your chest.

DEAR ABBY: My father-in-law has liver cancer. Whenever I use the term to explain his condition, I say, "Dad is dying of liver cancer," which upsets my in-laws because they don't like to hear the word "dying." His cancer will ultimately take his life, so am I wrong, or are my in-laws being too sensitive? -- JUST BEING HONEST IN IOWA

DEAR JUST BEING HONEST: At this point you are wrong. Unless your father-in-law is at death's door he is LIVING with cancer. When you describe his condition as "dying," you create the impression that you are rushing him to the cemetery. He could live quite a while, so don't jump the gun. And no, your in-laws are NOT being "too sensitive."

DEAR ABBY: I have been in a relationship with "Betsy" for more than three years. For the most part, we get along well, laugh a lot, and have a good relationship.

However, Betsy has an awful temper. She gets angry easily and becomes verbally abusive, saying ugly, hateful things that hurt me deeply. I never know what tiny thing will set her off. Although she usually apologizes later, I still feel the hurt she inflicted on me during her rage.

Abby, I'm in a quandary. I love Betsy very much and am normally happy with her. But these abusive rants are beginning to take a toll on me and on our relationship.

How do you know when it's time to leave someone -- especially when you still love that person? -- TIRED OF THE TIRADES IN TEMECULA, CALIF.

DEAR TIRED: You and Betsy are overdue for a serious talk. She may have emotional problems -- or she may simply be verbally abusive. Give her a choice: Seek help for her problem or the two of you are history. No one has a right to do to someone what she's doing to you. Unless the problem is resolved, this is the atmosphere in which your children will grow up if you should marry her.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 15-year-old girl. I go to a private school where everyone gets really nice cars for their 16th birthday. I have a 2001 compact economy car. It's nothing compared to the cars my peers get. I know if I start to drive this car when I turn 16, people will make fun of me -- behind my back and to my face. I don't want to be seen in it.

I know I should be thankful I have a car at all, but it's hard when you know you'll be made fun of mercilessly. I told my parents that I don't want to get my license because of this problem, but I really do want it. I think the reason they're not getting me another car is because of financial difficulties, so it would be unfair of me to ask for a different one.

Should I deal with the car I have and put up with the kidding, or wait two or three years to get my driver's license? -- DRIVING MYSELF CRAZY IN ST. LOUIS

DEAR DRIVING YOURSELF CRAZY: You need to grow up. You're crying poverty with a loaf of bread under both arms. You attend a private school, which isn't cheap, and your parents have given you a car. Be grateful for what you have; most teens are not so lucky. Or consider getting a job so you can start saving for an auto upgrade.

DEAR ABBY: When I go to someone's home for dinner, I often take a dessert or beverage for everyone to enjoy, being careful not to "outdo" my host. I would never, for example, bring an entree.

I recently met a young lady who always brings not only an entree, but also a side and one or two desserts to our host's home, and this seems to be causing a bit of tension with our host. Am I wrong in believing this young lady is being rude? -- A GOOD GUEST IN TEXAS

DEAR GOOD GUEST: When invited to someone's home for dinner, it is appropriate to ask, "May I bring something?" If the answer is yes, then you should bring what the host asks for. If the answer is "Just bring yourself," it is considered good manners to bring a small gift such as candy, an assortment of nuts or a bottle of wine if you know your hosts imbibe.

It is not appropriate to bring an entree, sides or a dessert that has not been requested. Are you sure the young lady you mentioned wasn't asked to do what she did?