DEAR ABBY: My family was invited to my cousin "Kirk's" wedding -- a small affair for family and close friends only.

My brother "Ryan" and his wife, "Dawn," decided to schedule their daughter's first birthday party on the same day and not attend the wedding. The birthday party was at 4; the wedding at 6. The locations were an hour apart. We attended the birthday celebration and left early to get to the wedding on time, as did Mom and Dad.

As a gift, we chipped in to get Kirk and his bride, "Kallie," an upgrade on their cruise cabin. They loved it. Ryan and Dawn contributed as well. The bridal couple asked that, since Ryan and Dawn didn't attend, I thank them -- although they planned to send written formal thank-yous after their honeymoon. I called Ryan the next day to tell him Kirk and Kallie were appreciative, the wedding and reception were beautiful, and they were missed.

Six weeks have passed and my brother and sister-in-law refuse to speak to me. I learned they felt the phone call I placed after the wedding was "inappropriate." I was "throwing the wedding in their faces" and "had no right" to leave the birthday party. I apologized, but they still won't talk to me, though they're speaking to our parents. Ryan and I were inseparable as kids, but now what? -- HURT SIBLING IN MICHIGAN

DEAR HURT SIBLING: Unless there is more to the estrangement than what you have written, the problem could be that your brother has displaced his anger at your parents for not staying at the birthday party and directed it solely at you because it's "safer." Is it wrong? Yes. Childish? Yes. Can you do anything more than you already have to fix it? Probably not.

Your parents might take a moment to remind Ryan that they also left to attend the wedding, and that it would have been better to schedule the festivities earlier so that everyone could have stayed longer. But if Ryan and Dawn choose to hold a grudge, nothing you can do will change that until they're ready to let it go.

DEAR ABBY: My sister "Mimi" died two years ago. Throughout her 40-year marriage she and her husband lived away from family and barely kept in touch, although we were close while growing up. Since her death, my husband and I have tried to keep in touch with her husband, "Clint."

The problem is, when I call him, all he talks about is the past, when we were all in school. That's OK, but it invariably has some kind of sexual overtone -- about what I wore or did as a teen. I have tried redirecting the conversation to Mimi -- anything -- to no avail.

Now I'm wondering if my sister kept Clint away from the family for a reason. He was always like this to a degree, but it was under more control when she was alive.

What do I do when the conversation heads in this direction? I don't want to lose contact with him and their children. -- UNCOMFORTABLE IN NEW MEXICO

DEAR UNCOMFORTABLE: The next time it happens, tell Clint in plain English that he's making you uncomfortable and tell him to quit dwelling on the past because it's boring. If that doesn't discourage him, call him only with your husband on another extension.

And as to staying in contact with your sister's children -- if their parents were married for 40 years, they are adults now. Contact them directly and let them know you care about them and want them to be a part of your lives because you are all family.

DEAR ABBY: This is difficult to write. My sister reads her children's text messages after they're asleep. She bragged to me about how popular her daughter "Naomi" -- my 14-year-old niece -- is because she's giving oral sex to the boys.

My sister claims Naomi isn't "having sex," so she thinks it's OK! I am shocked by her ignorance and terrified knowing that Naomi is putting herself at risk for STDs. My husband says if I confront Naomi it will drive her away, but I can't remain silent and watch my niece ruin her life. What's the point of reading your children's text messages if you're unwilling to stand up and be a parent? What can I do? -- TERRIFIED FOR MY NIECE IN THE SOUTHWEST

DEAR TERRIFIED: Your sister's parenting skills are appalling. Her daughter isn't "popular"; she is promiscuous -- and her mother is allowing it. Do your niece a favor and talk to her, because oral sex is sex, and she is putting herself at risk for a number of sexually transmitted diseases.

The Sexuality Information and Education Council has a wealth of information resources and tools for addressing this important subject. Its website, �HYPERLINK www.familiesaretalking.org ��www.familiesaretalking.org�, helps with discussing sexuality-related issues and provides information for young people, parents and caregivers.

Other reliable resources include Planned Parenthood's �HYPERLINK www.teen-wire.com ��www.teenwire.com� and the American Social Health Association website, �HYPERLINK www.iwannaknow.org ��www.iwannaknow.org�, which is also a safe place for teens to learn about sexual health.

DEAR ABBY: I was raised a Christian, but now that I am older I am questioning my faith. I consider myself an agnostic, borderline atheist.

The problem is I am married and a father. I want to raise my children to be open-minded and tolerant, but I don't know how I should go about it. How do I answer the question, "Is there a God?" when I myself am not sure? Have you any advice on the subject? -- AGNOSTIC DAD IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR AGNOSTIC DAD: Many deeply spiritual people are agnostic. The way to raise open-minded, tolerant children is to talk to them about your values and model that behavior for them. Parents convey their values verbally and by demonstrating them. As to the question, "Is there a God?" you and your wife should discuss that question in advance so she can have some input and you can handle this together.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter-in-law is eight weeks pregnant. The problem is, she carries the gene for cystic fibrosis. One of her siblings is a carrier and another has multiple sclerosis. I advised my son that it didn't seem to be a good idea to get pregnant, but they both appear unconcerned about the repercussions.

Should I mind my own business and hope for the best? Or should I be worried about the future health of their expected child? -- WORRIED GRAMMA-TO-BE

DEAR WORRIED: As a loving grandparent, you will always be concerned about your grandchildren's welfare. What you should do is suggest that your son and daughter-in-law discuss their family medical histories with her OB/GYN and take their lead from the doctor. (If they haven't already done so.)

DEAR ABBY: Allow me to respond to the column about obesity in the United States (Dec. 27). Why has obesity in the U.S. become the "elephant in the room," off-limits to discuss? Obesity is a serious health problem and should be talked about. Obese people need to understand the potential dangers of their condition, just as smokers do.

I was berated by my family, friends and the media for being a smoker. Did I disown them all? No, I sucked it up and quit. Overweight people should take control of their lives, and people like you, Abby, should stop coddling them! -- PETER IN BEND, ORE.

DEAR PETER: Ouch! Many readers also felt I should eat my words -- including health care professionals. Read on for more insights:

DEAR ABBY: As a public health nutritionist, I would like to bring another perspective to "Brother Black Sheep," whose sister banned him from family events because he mentioned the obesity epidemic. Because obesity has far-reaching implications for our children, our future and our economy, it is well worth talking about.

Declaring the topic off-limits won't make it go away. Researchers at Stanford University have found that more than 40 percent of parents of obese children described them as "about the right weight." Another study showed that only 30 percent of pediatricians addressed weight issues with their patients. Those who did were more likely to see positive changes in their patients' nutrition and activity habits.

Tact is, of course, important, and it appears "Brother" could use some help in that department. Acknowledging the difficulty of maintaining a healthy weight when we are surrounded by hyper-palatable foods and live in an environment that discourages activity is a good conversation starter. Using the phrase "high BMI" (Body Mass Index) is better received than the word "fat." Hopefully, families can learn to talk productively about how to support each other to eat right and stay active instead of banning the subject. -- ANITA COURTNEY, M.S., R.D.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a fourth-year medical student, and you wouldn't believe the number of patients we see who don't believe they have a weight problem, or who think they're "slightly overweight" when they're actually morbidly obese. A main reason for weight gain is that most Americans have no concept of portion control and healthy eating habits.

Many people would prefer a magic pill instead of attempting difficult behavioral changes. While weight is obviously a sensitive topic for many individuals, and "Brother" was mistaken in assuming it would be acceptable dinnertime conversation, ignoring the topic is what got us into this epidemic in the first place.

I challenge "Brother" to introduce his relatives to the sensible habits he learned abroad -- walking, healthier meals with smaller portions, and less fried, salted, sugary processed foods. Supportive family members are often far more effective than a doctor's lecture on the perils of obesity, and I wish him luck in his endeavors. -- MED STUDENT WITH NO MAGIC PILL

DEAR READERS: If, after reading this, any of you are interested in a tried-and-true program for weight loss, Overeaters Anonymous is a 12-step self-help group that started in 1960. It has been mentioned in this column many times. Its website is �HYPERLINK www.oa.org ��www.oa.org�; the phone number is (505) 891-2664. There are more than 9,000 O.A. groups in the U.S. and internationally.

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