DEAR ABBY: You assured "Overwhelmed in Ohio" (Dec. 18) that fellow student "Dan" will "move on and start building a life" after high school is over. On what base might he build? Because "Overwhelmed" says Dan is an "outcast" whom everyone treats as invisible, and he has attached himself to the one person who has befriended him, it appears he has completely missed the normal teen social-learning process. How, then, is he supposed to have acquired the social skills necessary for building connections later in life?

There's a difference between being unpopular and being ostracized. An unpopular kid can participate in social situations with similar kids. A kid who is shunned cannot. Unfortunately, Dan may be on a path toward lifelong social illiteracy and isolation.

What needs to happen before "Overwhelmed" pulls away is for the adults in charge of this school to figure out why Dan has been ostracized, and develop an effective remedy for the situation -- one that gets Dan into normal relationships with other people. And there should also be lessons about empathy provided to the students who are shunning him. -- KNOWS FROM EXPERIENCE

DEAR KNOWS: Thank you for your insight. You are by no means the only reader who felt compelled to chime in on this sad situation. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: High school can be a cruel time for many young people, especially those deemed "outcasts" by their peers. I had a friend in high school who truly suffered. I made it my mission to make sure he felt he had a friend and wasn't completely alone. I hung out with him at lunch, at the library on weekends, and tried to include him in activities I was involved in. I defended him to those who called him names, and although I was younger than he, I felt like his protector.

Now, eight years later and living in different states, we are still friends. He told me recently that I was the only reason he didn't attempt suicide in high school. He said I had saved his life by just taking a few moments out of my day to say hello or hang out with him. At the time I didn't realize the lifeline I was extending. -- LUCY IN OAKLAND, CALIF.

DEAR ABBY: My teenage son was similarly "invisible" to most of his classmates and it led to deep depression and anxiety. He is now at a school with other kids who have social learning disorders -- a broad class that includes Asperger's syndrome and a general failure to observe and respond to social cues.

If Dan falls into this category, he needs the help of both the adults and teens in his life. There is also effective therapy available for social learning disorders, and a decent school counselor should be able to help Dan and his parents find it. -- MOM OF A FORMERLY INVISIBLE TEEN

DEAR ABBY: Dan might be autistic, which could explain his behavior. I have an autistic son who is high functioning. His social skills seem immature and he appears "geeky." People have shunned and teased him because of it.

After managing to develop some friendships in band (which, by the way, has some of the best geeky kids who accept others) and a church high school group, his social skills improved. But he needs those kids who overlook his quirkiness and befriend him to help him build confidence. They do exist; you just have to sometimes search for them. If Dan starts feeling more accepted by others, it may lessen his dependence on "Overwhelmed." -- JANN IN TEXAS

DEAR ABBY: My 70-year-old father has asked his 40-year-old girlfriend to marry him. This will be his fourth marriage. They have been dating for a year, and she says she wants to have two or three children with him.

My sisters and I are not happy at all. Our father was a horrible father when we were growing up. To say he doesn't like children is putting it mildly. Also, we feel he would be incredibly selfish and irresponsible to consider bringing a baby into this world at his age when he may not be around long enough to take care of the child.

Do my sisters and I have a right to be upset about this? How would you suggest we handle this? -- DISGUSTED DAUGHTERS IN TEXAS

DEAR DAUGHTERS: Do you have a right to be upset? You absolutely have a right to your feelings and opinions. However, as an adult, your father is entitled to do as he wishes, regardless of how you feel about his choices. "Handle" this as gracefully as possible without shooting your mouths off unless you want to create a permanent rift.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married to my wife almost 40 years. I love her dearly and she says she loves me, but when I want to hold her, she tenses up like I'm a rapist. When I kiss her longer than a nano-second, she makes noises that sound as though I have a pillow over her face. We haven't slept in the same bed in so long I can't remember what it's like. When I try to talk to her about it, she ignores me. How can I get her to realize how much I hurt? -- LONELY AND HURT IN MIDDLE GRANVILLE, N.Y.

DEAR LONELY AND HURT: Your wife's hormones may have changed and sex may be painful for her or no longer appealing. She may be afraid that if she lets you hold her, or kiss her longer than a nano-second, it would imply she is receptive. You need to explain to her how deeply her lack of communication on this subject has hurt you. She should have discussed this with her doctor when the problem started. But if she refuses, then you should both talk to a marriage counselor. If she won't go, go alone.

DEAR ABBY: A couple of years ago we loaned our nephew "Seth" $400 because he was in a tight spot. The amount was something we could afford to lose, but knowing the pitfalls of lending to a relative, we formalized the loan with a written agreement for repayment. We never saw the money again.

We have just received a wedding invitation from Seth. We're not particularly close to him, and because we live across the country we don't plan to attend the wedding.

In lieu of a wedding gift, would it be inappropriate to send a note forgiving some or all of the debt he owes us? Or should we consider the debt and his wedding separately and send him something more traditional? -- UNCLE MIKE IN UTAH

DEAR UNCLE MIKE: Because you are not particularly close to this nephew, are not planning to attend the wedding and it's unlikely that Seth will repay the loan, send him a congratulatory card.

DEAR ABBY: I'm an independent, 41-year-old woman who attracts men who are 10 to 13 years younger than I am. I'm not interested in them because I feel they are only after one thing. Another problem is, when I start getting close to a man my own age, he always makes me feel "smothered." It seems I'm either loved too much or not at all.

Is there a balance, or am I just afraid of getting close? -- AVOIDING GETTING HURT IN MILWAUKEE

DEAR AVOIDING: I suspect that it's the latter. Not all younger men are interested in only one thing. Some are, but not all. And men your age who are ready for commitment are not "smothering" you -- but they do seem to want something you are unwilling or unable to give.

Unless you can determine what's holding you back, you will remain single and looking. A psychologist could help you get to the heart of the matter quickly, and that's what I'm recommending so I won't hear from you with this same problem when you're 50.

DEAR ABBY: After nine years of marriage, my husband, "Brett," and I welcomed our first child 10 months ago. We are happy except for a problem with Brett's mother, "Carol."

Carol and I have had a rocky relationship, although in recent years things seem to have gotten better. My complaint (and Brett's as well) with Carol is that she is intrusive. She always wants to be in the middle of everything and won't ease up on "mothering" Brett. Furthermore, Carol has decided our child should call her "Grandmommy" or "Mommy Smith."

I object to that name because I feel "Mommy" is the one name reserved for me. I don't mind "Grandma," "Grandmother" or "Granny." But Carol won't back down. We tried coming up with another name, but she has ignored our suggestions.

Am I being unreasonable? Please advise. -- THE ONLY MOMMY HERE

DEAR ONLY MOMMY: You and Brett need to calm down. Your child won't be doing a lot of talking for a while. And when your baby does, he or she isn't going to be calling Carol by any multisyllabic appellations. Your child will probably call her a name that's easy to pronounce and entirely original.

DEAR ABBY: I am the youngest of three children. Whenever my mom looks through our family photo albums, she makes comments about "the good old days" while she's looking at the pictures taken before I was born. It offends me when I hear it, because it feels like she's saying the years she remembers most fondly are the ones before she had me.

Am I overreacting, or do those comments seem inappropriate to you as well? -- OUT OF THE PICTURE, LEWISTON, IDAHO

DEAR OUT OF THE PICTURE: When your mother looks at the photo albums, she may be reminded of a time when she was younger, experienced less stress and had fewer responsibilities. Not knowing her, I can't tell you if you're overreacting. But I can suggest that you discuss this with her because your feelings may be a mile off target. Please don't wait and let this fester.