DEAR ABBY: My 70-year-old father has asked his 40-year-old girlfriend to marry him. This will be his fourth marriage. They have been dating for a year, and she says she wants to have two or three children with him.

My sisters and I are not happy at all. Our father was a horrible father when we were growing up. To say he doesn't like children is putting it mildly. Also, we feel he would be incredibly selfish and irresponsible to consider bringing a baby into this world at his age when he may not be around long enough to take care of the child.

Do my sisters and I have a right to be upset about this? How would you suggest we handle this? -- DISGUSTED DAUGHTERS IN TEXAS

DEAR DAUGHTERS: Do you have a right to be upset? You absolutely have a right to your feelings and opinions. However, as an adult, your father is entitled to do as he wishes, regardless of how you feel about his choices. "Handle" this as gracefully as possible without shooting your mouths off unless you want to create a permanent rift.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married to my wife almost 40 years. I love her dearly and she says she loves me, but when I want to hold her, she tenses up like I'm a rapist. When I kiss her longer than a nano-second, she makes noises that sound as though I have a pillow over her face. We haven't slept in the same bed in so long I can't remember what it's like. When I try to talk to her about it, she ignores me. How can I get her to realize how much I hurt? -- LONELY AND HURT IN MIDDLE GRANVILLE, N.Y.

DEAR LONELY AND HURT: Your wife's hormones may have changed and sex may be painful for her or no longer appealing. She may be afraid that if she lets you hold her, or kiss her longer than a nano-second, it would imply she is receptive. You need to explain to her how deeply her lack of communication on this subject has hurt you. She should have discussed this with her doctor when the problem started. But if she refuses, then you should both talk to a marriage counselor. If she won't go, go alone.

DEAR ABBY: A couple of years ago we loaned our nephew "Seth" $400 because he was in a tight spot. The amount was something we could afford to lose, but knowing the pitfalls of lending to a relative, we formalized the loan with a written agreement for repayment. We never saw the money again.

We have just received a wedding invitation from Seth. We're not particularly close to him, and because we live across the country we don't plan to attend the wedding.

In lieu of a wedding gift, would it be inappropriate to send a note forgiving some or all of the debt he owes us? Or should we consider the debt and his wedding separately and send him something more traditional? -- UNCLE MIKE IN UTAH

DEAR UNCLE MIKE: Because you are not particularly close to this nephew, are not planning to attend the wedding and it's unlikely that Seth will repay the loan, send him a congratulatory card.

DEAR ABBY: I'm an independent, 41-year-old woman who attracts men who are 10 to 13 years younger than I am. I'm not interested in them because I feel they are only after one thing. Another problem is, when I start getting close to a man my own age, he always makes me feel "smothered." It seems I'm either loved too much or not at all.

Is there a balance, or am I just afraid of getting close? -- AVOIDING GETTING HURT IN MILWAUKEE

DEAR AVOIDING: I suspect that it's the latter. Not all younger men are interested in only one thing. Some are, but not all. And men your age who are ready for commitment are not "smothering" you -- but they do seem to want something you are unwilling or unable to give.

Unless you can determine what's holding you back, you will remain single and looking. A psychologist could help you get to the heart of the matter quickly, and that's what I'm recommending so I won't hear from you with this same problem when you're 50.

DEAR ABBY: After nine years of marriage, my husband, "Brett," and I welcomed our first child 10 months ago. We are happy except for a problem with Brett's mother, "Carol."

Carol and I have had a rocky relationship, although in recent years things seem to have gotten better. My complaint (and Brett's as well) with Carol is that she is intrusive. She always wants to be in the middle of everything and won't ease up on "mothering" Brett. Furthermore, Carol has decided our child should call her "Grandmommy" or "Mommy Smith."

I object to that name because I feel "Mommy" is the one name reserved for me. I don't mind "Grandma," "Grandmother" or "Granny." But Carol won't back down. We tried coming up with another name, but she has ignored our suggestions.

Am I being unreasonable? Please advise. -- THE ONLY MOMMY HERE

DEAR ONLY MOMMY: You and Brett need to calm down. Your child won't be doing a lot of talking for a while. And when your baby does, he or she isn't going to be calling Carol by any multisyllabic appellations. Your child will probably call her a name that's easy to pronounce and entirely original.

DEAR ABBY: I am the youngest of three children. Whenever my mom looks through our family photo albums, she makes comments about "the good old days" while she's looking at the pictures taken before I was born. It offends me when I hear it, because it feels like she's saying the years she remembers most fondly are the ones before she had me.

Am I overreacting, or do those comments seem inappropriate to you as well? -- OUT OF THE PICTURE, LEWISTON, IDAHO

DEAR OUT OF THE PICTURE: When your mother looks at the photo albums, she may be reminded of a time when she was younger, experienced less stress and had fewer responsibilities. Not knowing her, I can't tell you if you're overreacting. But I can suggest that you discuss this with her because your feelings may be a mile off target. Please don't wait and let this fester.

DEAR ABBY: How long should I hold onto greeting cards from family and friends who send them on my birthday and holidays? I feel guilty throwing away something that someone spent time and money on for me, but they're doing nothing more than taking up space in a drawer. -- CLUTTERED WITH CARDS IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR CLUTTERED: Don't feel guilty. Contact a children's hospital, nursery school, nursing home or senior center and ask whether they would like the greeting cards to use for craft projects. However, be sure to cut off identifying names and addresses before you donate them. Alternatively, consider taking them to a recycling center.

DEAR ABBY: I have employed the same cleaning lady every week for nearly 20 years. She worked for my grandparents before me. "Dora" is 70 and shows no hint of retiring. In fact, she tells me from time to time she has no intention of ever stopping.

Although I admire Dora's spunk, the truth is she is becoming increasingly careless in her work. I often come home to find something broken, knocked over or spilled. I can see she has trouble managing the stairs and carrying the vacuum cleaner. I know she needs the income and I can't imagine letting her go. What can I do? -- HOUSEBROKEN IN BUFFALO

DEAR HOUSEBROKEN: Point out the broken, spilled or knocked-over items and ask Dora what happened. Then offer to schedule her for an eye exam if she can't afford one herself. She may be breaking and spilling things because she has a vision problem that is correctible.

If that doesn't resolve the problem, I have another suggestion. Have Dora come to you every other week, and hire a cleaning crew to fill in and do the "heavy lifting" in the week she's not there. That way, Dora will have her dignity, a lighter load to carry and some income. And you'll have a house that's spick-and-span, and no guilty conscience.

DEAR ABBY: Two years ago, my boyfriend, "Dwight," and I set a date for our wedding. He wanted to be married on his birthday. We happily announced the date to all our family and friends.

Six months ago, Dwight informed me that his divorce is taking longer than expected and the wedding date would have to be changed. I was very upset. I refused to set another one until after his divorce is final.

Now as the original date approaches, Dwight is mentioning things he'd like to do on his birthday. Abby, it was supposed to be my wedding day! I do not want to go to an action-adventure movie that day. I don't know what to do with all the feelings of sadness associated with that missed date. Am I being childish? Should I just celebrate his birthday the way he wants? -- DEPRESSED IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR DEPRESSED: Your sadness may be less about depression than anger -- turned inward. While I sympathize with your disappointment, you need to accept that when you date a man who is still married, this goes with the territory.

Because you are close enough that you had set a wedding date, you should also be close enough to discuss your feelings. It is understandable that you don't feel like celebrating this birthday, and intelligent of you not to set another date until he is actually free to marry you. Do nothing that makes you uncomfortable.