DEAR ABBY: My husband has been talking about many married couples who take showers together. In fact, he claims that most couples do. Our relationship in the bedroom has been great so far, and I'd like to keep it there. I don't want a twosome in the bathroom. Am I wrong to enjoy my privacy in the shower? -- SQUEAKY CLEAN IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR SQUEAKY CLEAN: Many married couples take showers together, and many don't. Among those who do, some find it arousing; others just enjoy the intimacy and having someone to scrub their backs.

If you feel your time in the shower is sacred alone time, you're entitled to your feelings. If an encounter isn't pleasurable for both parties involved, then it's usually not particularly satisfying for either one.

DEAR ABBY: My younger sister, "Janet," and I are very close. We live near each other and have many of the same friends. My problem is, Janet likes to share stories about our childhood, and our childhood was horrible. We were poor and homeless more than once. Both our parents were on drugs, and our father was abusive to our mother.

I have tried telling my sister that when she shares these stories, I not only find it humiliating, but also find myself reliving the awful experiences. Her response is to remind me that we're not those kids anymore. She doesn't think it's anything to be ashamed of. Is she wrong to tell these horror stories that involve both of us, or do I need to stop trying to forget? -- NOT LOOKING IN THE REARVIEW MIRROR

DEAR NOT LOOKING: Your sister is correct that your childhood is nothing you should be ashamed of. Both of you have managed to thrive in spite of the chaotic environment in which you were raised. However, for her to persist in raising a subject that you have told her is painful is insensitive -- particularly if she's doing it in your presence. You may have a shared history, but you clearly have different coping mechanisms, and she should respect yours.

DEAR ABBY: When my daughter was 14 months old, she had a serious accident while under my parents' supervision. They were not negligent. What happened could have occurred if I had been there. I rushed to the hospital, where we stayed for five days and, thankfully, my daughter recovered.

I was shocked and hurt that my mother never once apologized. When I brought it up, she said it's obvious she feels terribly guilty, that I know how devoted she is to my daughter and, therefore, an apology is ridiculous.

I know it wasn't her "fault," but I still feel the right thing to do in that situation would have been for her to say, "I'm sorry this happened. I wish I had been more observant." Is this superfluous? Are my feelings reasonable? -- EXPATRIATE NEW YORKER IN SAXONY, GERMANY

DEAR EXPAT: How old is your daughter now? How long have you hung onto your anger at your mother over this incident? You said there was no negligence on the part of your parents, and the accident could have occurred while your daughter was under your supervision. Do you know that your mother loves your daughter and feels terrible about what happened? If so, let it go, already!

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DEAR ABBY: As a birth mother, I must respond to the letter from "Her Thankful Son" (Dec. 12). Nearly 26 years ago, I gave up my own son for adoption. It was the most devastatingly painful thing I have ever had to do. But I loved him enough to let him go because I was in no position to raise him myself.

To the young man who wrote you, I say: "Thank you" -- from me and all the birth mothers who carry holes in our hearts from having to let our children go on to better lives without us. My greatest fear was always that my son would end up hating me and not understand why I let him go. This man's letter has given me hope. -- WENDY IN DELAWARE

DEAR WENDY: "Her Thankful Son" wrote an open letter to his unknown biological mom, expressing gratitude for the life his adoptive parents have provided. As it did with you, his letter resonated with many of my readers whose lives have been touched by adoption. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: When I read the letter from "Thankful Son," I felt a sense of relief. I had a son when I was 16 and placed him for adoption because I knew I couldn't give him the life he deserved. I was determined that his adoption would not be in vain and that I would become a better person because of it. I consider myself to be a better mom now because of him.

My girls know they have a brother out there, but I have explained it's not for me to seek him. If he wants to find me I would be thrilled, but I realize I gave up my right to him when I made my decision. I have no regrets. I think of him often and wonder if he's OK.

Reading "Thankful's" letter comforted me. If it is God's will, I will meet my son one day. I feel he will be proud of me for making something of myself and giving him the opportunity for a successful life. -- BRENDA IN FLORIDA

DEAR ABBY: I am also an adopted child. From the time I was told at age 7, I wondered who my birth mother was and went through phases of anger and depression. I was blinded by my own ego and did not consider anything about her life.

When I was in my teens, a friend of mine became pregnant and was scared about what she was going to do. I lost touch with her shortly after and don't know what happened. I have since realized that my friend's situation could have also been my birth mother's. It changed my attitude, and I decided I'd like to meet her one day and tell her I care about her.

Several years later I got that opportunity, with help from my adoptive mom and a state agency. Meeting my birth mom and three younger brothers and sister was a very emotional moment for me, and I cherish it to this day. -- JAY IN MARYLAND

DEAR ABBY: You said you hoped "Thankful Son" could meet his birth mother. Why? As an adoptive mom of adult children, I feel just as happy not having the birth parents intervene in our lives.

Could I handle it? Of course. If my children had a burning desire to find their birth parents, would it be OK? Absolutely. Am I curious, too? Certainly. But I don't think you should encourage a search.

After all, these people are virtual strangers. They have different values and expectations, which all too often can lead to disappointment. At the very least, it's a weird experience. I think what adopted children really want to know is why they were given up and if they were loved. The answer to that last question, from this mom, is a resounding yes! -- THE "REAL" MOM IN MIAMI

DEAR "REAL" MOM: Why do I hope "Thankful Son" will one day be reunited with his birth mother? For two reasons: Many times the reunion brings both parent and child a sense of completion. It also provides an opportunity for the child to get a complete family medical history.

DEAR ABBY: I met my husband, "Monty," shortly after he lost his wife of 14 years. Monty has two dogs, but the one I have issues with is "Ginger."

I have never seen a dog act like her. Ginger acts more like a wife than a dog. She clings to Monty to the point he doesn't have any time alone. She'll sit outside the shower until he is done. If he takes a bath, Ginger sits on the edge of the tub. She runs to him when he gets home from work to greet him before I do. As she's running ahead of me, she looks back as if she's worried I'll beat her to him.

It's as if she thinks she's his wife! She sits next to Monty on the couch when we're watching television. I hesitate telling her to move so I can sit next to my husband because he treats his dogs like gold. His excuse? "They were here for me when my wife died." I'm sympathetic to that, but where do I fit in?

Ginger bullies the other dog by growling at her and bumping into her when the other one tries to get Monty's attention. I'm feeling jealous because sometimes my husband neglects my physical needs and is more affectionate with the dogs. What do I do? -- JEALOUS OF THE FOUR-LEGGED MISTRESS

DEAR JEALOUS: When Monty's first wife died, Ginger became the alpha female in the house. Your husband was depressed and lonely, and he allowed or encouraged it. It is now up to him to retrain Ginger so she learns to defer to you because your place is beside your husband -- and not just on the couch.

If you haven't told Monty that you need a higher rank in the pack, do it now. And if he isn't willing to make some changes, including taking care of more of your physical needs, insist the two of you talk to a licensed marriage counselor. (And maybe to the Dog Whisperer.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm a college student who has been looking up friends from my past, ranging from elementary to high school. One of my close friends from elementary school was a boy named "Martin." We were close because we were sort of the outcasts of our class.

I recently contacted a friend who knew Martin. He told me that Martin had become addicted to hard drugs and is now in jail. I have not been able to stop crying over this. Martin was the one who made me happy about school -- a kindred spirit.

I blame myself because I moved over the summer break and never got a chance to say goodbye to Martin. When I visited the school again, Martin came up to me, gave me a hug and demanded to know why I left him! We had been there for each other when others had not.

I know I can't change the past, but I feel if I had been there I could have stopped him from getting into the trouble he did. I can't think about our good times without being sad about his grim future. How can I get over this? -- CRYING FOR A FRIEND IN LOUISVILLE, KY.

DEAR CRYING: Please stop blaming yourself for the path that your childhood friend chose. People do not become drug addicts because a friend from elementary school moved away. Whatever led to his substance abuse, it wasn't you. Because this has hit you so hard emotionally, make an appointment to visit your student health center and talk to a counselor about your feelings of guilt.

While what Martin has done to himself is tragic, it's still not too late for him to kick his habit and straighten out his life. This has nothing to do with you, and you should not make it your problem.