DEAR ABBY: You advised "Susan in Southern Oregon" (Dec. 1), who asked about the appropriateness of giving alcohol as a gift at an office party, that "the only time that alcohol would be an inappropriate gift is when the giver knows the recipient doesn't use it." As a former psychiatric social worker, I would say that the only time alcohol would be an appropriate gift is when the giver knows the recipient would use it, and do so responsibly.

People aren't always forthcoming about their views and experiences regarding alcohol, so it's best to play it safe. Many people abstain from alcohol because they are recovering alcoholics or have seen the devastating results that alcoholism has had on a loved one's life. Others have religious reasons for not imbibing.

Giving alcohol as a gift may not only dismay the recipient, it could also lead to worse results if the giftee is someone who is struggling to stay sober. -- AMY IN DOVER, DEL.

DEAR AMY: You have raised many valid points. Most of my readers disagreed with my answer, and their reasons have made me reconsider my advice to Susan. I was wrong. (Mea culpa.) Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Imagine receiving a bottle of alcohol after growing up in a home with an abusive father who drank. Not only would you not want it, you wouldn't want to give it to anyone else. Imagine receiving a bottle of alcohol after having lost a child in an automobile accident caused by a drunk driver. Would you want that reminder, or would you want to regift it to someone who might get drunk with that bottle and cause someone else's death? -- JOE IN BIRMINGHAM, ALA.

DEAR ABBY: Many alcoholics choose not to reveal their disease. It is called Alcoholics Anonymous for a reason. A person may have been in recovery for many years and may not wish to tell anyone except close family and longtime friends.

A gift of alcohol would be a temptation to any recovering alcoholic, one that is hard to resist. The mind can easily rationalize: "It was a gift. I might as well get rid of it. I can share it with others, so it's not so bad." The slope grows steeper from there. -- ANONYMOUS IN SAN ANTONIO

DEAR ABBY: Have you any idea what it is like to get knocked across a room because you asked your daddy to play with you? Have you seen your Christmas tree knocked over because your mother and father were having a fistfight?

My father owned one of the largest businesses in our town. We belonged to the country club. Yet my parents died in poverty because of alcohol. Of the four siblings, I am the only one who doesn't have an alcohol abuse problem.

I am frequently asked to attend functions so I can be the designated driver. I think the slogan "Friends don't let friends drink and drive" should be changed to "Real friends don't try to shift their responsibility." -- A SURVIVOR IN LAS VEGAS

DEAR ABBY: Twenty years ago, I would have agreed with your answer. I am the president of a construction company, and it was standard practice for us to give alcohol at Christmas to a number of our customers.

Then one day, I received a call from a tearful woman who asked if we had given alcohol to her husband. When I answered yes, she said that in the future, she would appreciate it if we wouldn't do that anymore. Her husband, an alcoholic, had consumed the entire bottle, gone home and beaten her up. We discontinued the practice immediately.

I would not advise people to gift alcohol unless they know the recipient very well and know it will not cause harm to him or her, or those around them. -- SAFER IN TENNESSEE

DEAR ABBY: I have an issue that has me concerned, and I need some expertise. I have a problem with anger. I don't know what triggers it. It happens out of the blue sometimes.

I have never struck out in anger toward another person, but people have witnessed my outbursts and seemed taken aback by the behavior. The instances occur every month or two.

I'm a nice guy. I would bend over backward to help someone if I could. My verbal explosions contradict who I am inside. Do you have any suggestions on what I can do to control my temper in these situations? -- HOTHEAD IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR HOTHEAD: Anger is a normal emotion. Everyone has experienced it at one time or another. When primitive men and women were faced with a potential threat, they reacted instinctively with either fear or anger. It was nature's way of enabling us to run away or fight back. Even infants display anger by screaming or holding their breath until they turn red. And we've all seen older children throw tantrums, holler and throw things.

Whatever is causing your angry outbursts, it is important to analyze what has been triggering them. Being out of work, unable to pay one's bills or feeling unfairly treated can arouse feelings of anger. Being hurt emotionally by someone can cause it, too. People have been known to become angry if their beliefs or values are questioned or threatened.

Low self-esteem can also cause people to feel easily threatened. Many people who suffer from chronic low self-esteem feel they must continually prove themselves. To compensate for their feelings of inadequacy, they are driven to "win every battle," whether at sports or in an argument.

People who are overly tired have been known to lash out without real provocation. Being physically ill can have the same effect. (You can break that cycle by simply explaining that you're not feeling well and ask for patience because your temper is short at such times.)

Depression, drugs and alcohol abuse have long been known to cause people to lose control of their emotions and say -- and do -- things they later regret. I publish a booklet, "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It," that was created to help people learn to control their anger. For people of all ages, it is a kind of survival guide to help them understand their anger and appropriately deal with it. It can be ordered by sending your name and mailing address, plus a check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds), to Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. Shipping and handling are included in the price.

Most of us have been trained from early childhood to suppress anger. But it is even more important to learn to express it in ways that are constructive rather than destructive. Anger can be a positive emotion if it is channeled in the right direction. Uncontrolled, it can be a killer.

Now that we have become somewhat -- one hopes -- civilized adults, the challenge we face when something angers us is how to deal with it effectively and constructively, rather than thoughtlessly reacting.

DEAR ABBY: So often I read about troubled marriages in your column. May I share with you something that my husband and I started doing that has transformed what I thought was a good marriage into a blissful one?

One day, after complaining that we had no quality time together -- we rarely talked, much less made love -- my husband suggested we turn off the television and offered to give me a massage.

Ever since, four or five times a week, once the children are in bed, we go into our bedroom, take off our clothes and give each other long massages. Sometimes we spend the entire time in conversation, other times we savor the peace and quiet. Sometimes we make passionate love; other times we fall asleep naked in each other's arms, completely content.

It doesn't matter how it turns out; it's wonderful and it has made the rest of our lives less stressful and more enjoyable. Our sex life is better than before the children came, and we sleep in the nude more often.

I hope you'll print this. More marriages would take a turn for the better if couples made time for each other and discovered the wonders of massage. -- HAPPIER THAN EVER

DEAR HAPPIER: That's a terrific suggestion, and one that should be taken to heart. I hope it doesn't rub anyone the wrong way.

DEAR ABBY: I am in a bit of a dilemma, and I would appreciate some advice.

I divorced my husband six years ago because he was physically and mentally abusive to me. We had two children together. They are now being raised by me and my new husband.

Abby, my ex-husband never told his family the truth about why we divorced. He told them I was unfaithful and other things which you can't print in a newspaper.

My question: What should I do when the kids graduate or they get married?

I have tried to make peace with several members of his family. All they did was rip into me and give me their opinion about what I supposedly did to their brother. I don't want to put my family in the position of being berated and attacked when the children have a special occasion. On the other hand, I don't want to cut them off from their other family at important occasions in their lives.

What should I do? -- UNDECIDED IN BELLEVUE, WASH.

DEAR UNDECIDED: When the time comes, ask your husband and the children how they feel about including these relatives. My advice would be to invite them, and place the burden of whether to attend the events or not on them.

DEAR ABBY: How do you tell someone how well you can do something without sounding like you're bragging? -- STELLA IN DALLAS

DEAR STELLA: It's not bragging to mention that you excel at something. It only becomes obnoxious if you dwell on it to the point that you forget to show an interest in the accomplishments of others.