DEAR ABBY: I have an issue that has me concerned, and I need some expertise. I have a problem with anger. I don't know what triggers it. It happens out of the blue sometimes.

I have never struck out in anger toward another person, but people have witnessed my outbursts and seemed taken aback by the behavior. The instances occur every month or two.

I'm a nice guy. I would bend over backward to help someone if I could. My verbal explosions contradict who I am inside. Do you have any suggestions on what I can do to control my temper in these situations? -- HOTHEAD IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR HOTHEAD: Anger is a normal emotion. Everyone has experienced it at one time or another. When primitive men and women were faced with a potential threat, they reacted instinctively with either fear or anger. It was nature's way of enabling us to run away or fight back. Even infants display anger by screaming or holding their breath until they turn red. And we've all seen older children throw tantrums, holler and throw things.

Whatever is causing your angry outbursts, it is important to analyze what has been triggering them. Being out of work, unable to pay one's bills or feeling unfairly treated can arouse feelings of anger. Being hurt emotionally by someone can cause it, too. People have been known to become angry if their beliefs or values are questioned or threatened.

Low self-esteem can also cause people to feel easily threatened. Many people who suffer from chronic low self-esteem feel they must continually prove themselves. To compensate for their feelings of inadequacy, they are driven to "win every battle," whether at sports or in an argument.

People who are overly tired have been known to lash out without real provocation. Being physically ill can have the same effect. (You can break that cycle by simply explaining that you're not feeling well and ask for patience because your temper is short at such times.)

Depression, drugs and alcohol abuse have long been known to cause people to lose control of their emotions and say -- and do -- things they later regret. I publish a booklet, "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It," that was created to help people learn to control their anger. For people of all ages, it is a kind of survival guide to help them understand their anger and appropriately deal with it. It can be ordered by sending your name and mailing address, plus a check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds), to Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. Shipping and handling are included in the price.

Most of us have been trained from early childhood to suppress anger. But it is even more important to learn to express it in ways that are constructive rather than destructive. Anger can be a positive emotion if it is channeled in the right direction. Uncontrolled, it can be a killer.

Now that we have become somewhat -- one hopes -- civilized adults, the challenge we face when something angers us is how to deal with it effectively and constructively, rather than thoughtlessly reacting.

DEAR ABBY: So often I read about troubled marriages in your column. May I share with you something that my husband and I started doing that has transformed what I thought was a good marriage into a blissful one?

One day, after complaining that we had no quality time together -- we rarely talked, much less made love -- my husband suggested we turn off the television and offered to give me a massage.

Ever since, four or five times a week, once the children are in bed, we go into our bedroom, take off our clothes and give each other long massages. Sometimes we spend the entire time in conversation, other times we savor the peace and quiet. Sometimes we make passionate love; other times we fall asleep naked in each other's arms, completely content.

It doesn't matter how it turns out; it's wonderful and it has made the rest of our lives less stressful and more enjoyable. Our sex life is better than before the children came, and we sleep in the nude more often.

I hope you'll print this. More marriages would take a turn for the better if couples made time for each other and discovered the wonders of massage. -- HAPPIER THAN EVER

DEAR HAPPIER: That's a terrific suggestion, and one that should be taken to heart. I hope it doesn't rub anyone the wrong way.

DEAR ABBY: I am in a bit of a dilemma, and I would appreciate some advice.

I divorced my husband six years ago because he was physically and mentally abusive to me. We had two children together. They are now being raised by me and my new husband.

Abby, my ex-husband never told his family the truth about why we divorced. He told them I was unfaithful and other things which you can't print in a newspaper.

My question: What should I do when the kids graduate or they get married?

I have tried to make peace with several members of his family. All they did was rip into me and give me their opinion about what I supposedly did to their brother. I don't want to put my family in the position of being berated and attacked when the children have a special occasion. On the other hand, I don't want to cut them off from their other family at important occasions in their lives.

What should I do? -- UNDECIDED IN BELLEVUE, WASH.

DEAR UNDECIDED: When the time comes, ask your husband and the children how they feel about including these relatives. My advice would be to invite them, and place the burden of whether to attend the events or not on them.

DEAR ABBY: How do you tell someone how well you can do something without sounding like you're bragging? -- STELLA IN DALLAS

DEAR STELLA: It's not bragging to mention that you excel at something. It only becomes obnoxious if you dwell on it to the point that you forget to show an interest in the accomplishments of others.

DEAR ABBY: At a recent anniversary celebration for my parents, a well-meaning but thoughtless in-law sent them a gift from my deceased sister, with a card signed with her name. She died of cancer two years ago.

Her loss has been difficult and heartbreaking for all of us, especially my parents. I am furious at this guest for giving such a "gift." My parents were visibly shocked, but thanked the person anyway.

I knew the in-law was planning something like this, and I asked that it not be done at the party. I wish I had just said, "No! Don't do it!" I'm not sure whether I am madder at the gift giver or myself. I feel like the work we have done to recover from the loss has been set back. I could use some good advice. -- SPEECHLESS IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR SPEECHLESS: Your parents are extraordinarily gracious people to have handled the situation as tactfully as they did. It must have been devastating for them. The in-law's level of insensitivity is appalling.

Please do not blame yourself for what happened. If you had said, "Don't do it," it probably would have happened anyway. What's done is done, now let it go.

DEAR ABBY: My husband moved out on Feb. 14 of last year. (Yes, Valentine's Day!) Our divorce will be final soon.

My soon-to-be-ex parades his girlfriend all over town and with our friends. He claims it is over between us, yet he still comes over to mow the yard for me and do errands. He also comes here every Sunday to watch TV and visit. He says he wants to remain close friends even after the divorce.

My question is: What gives with him? I don't understand him at all. -- ARE WE DONE YET?

DEAR ARE WE DONE YET?: For a man to move out on Valentine's Day illustrates that he has the emotional sensitivity of a golf shoe. Your ex may be doing these things out of guilt. Whether the two of you are done yet depends upon how you define "done." Your marriage is over. Your romance is, too. What's left to tie you together? If it's masochism on your part, I don't recommend it.

DEAR ABBY: While I was at the grocery store, the woman in front of me said hello like she recognized me. I recognized her, but didn't remember her name or where I knew her from. I asked her some lame questions about art class, but it was obvious I didn't know her from there. It was very embarrassing.

The message I would like to give your readers is, please don't assume that someone can place you immediately. I am 70, and my memory is no longer as good as it used to be. The woman should have made sure I knew who she was, because it could have saved both of us from embarrassment. -- RED-FACED IN LEE'S SUMMIT, MO.

DEAR RED-FACED: I'm pleased to pass along your message. I have always thought the best policy in these situations is honesty. Because you were unable to place the woman, you should have told her you couldn't recall her name and asked her. To do so would not have been a breach of etiquette, and the encounter would have been less embarrassing for both of you.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)