DEAR ABBY: So often I read about troubled marriages in your column. May I share with you something that my husband and I started doing that has transformed what I thought was a good marriage into a blissful one?

One day, after complaining that we had no quality time together -- we rarely talked, much less made love -- my husband suggested we turn off the television and offered to give me a massage.

Ever since, four or five times a week, once the children are in bed, we go into our bedroom, take off our clothes and give each other long massages. Sometimes we spend the entire time in conversation, other times we savor the peace and quiet. Sometimes we make passionate love; other times we fall asleep naked in each other's arms, completely content.

It doesn't matter how it turns out; it's wonderful and it has made the rest of our lives less stressful and more enjoyable. Our sex life is better than before the children came, and we sleep in the nude more often.

I hope you'll print this. More marriages would take a turn for the better if couples made time for each other and discovered the wonders of massage. -- HAPPIER THAN EVER

DEAR HAPPIER: That's a terrific suggestion, and one that should be taken to heart. I hope it doesn't rub anyone the wrong way.

DEAR ABBY: I am in a bit of a dilemma, and I would appreciate some advice.

I divorced my husband six years ago because he was physically and mentally abusive to me. We had two children together. They are now being raised by me and my new husband.

Abby, my ex-husband never told his family the truth about why we divorced. He told them I was unfaithful and other things which you can't print in a newspaper.

My question: What should I do when the kids graduate or they get married?

I have tried to make peace with several members of his family. All they did was rip into me and give me their opinion about what I supposedly did to their brother. I don't want to put my family in the position of being berated and attacked when the children have a special occasion. On the other hand, I don't want to cut them off from their other family at important occasions in their lives.

What should I do? -- UNDECIDED IN BELLEVUE, WASH.

DEAR UNDECIDED: When the time comes, ask your husband and the children how they feel about including these relatives. My advice would be to invite them, and place the burden of whether to attend the events or not on them.

DEAR ABBY: How do you tell someone how well you can do something without sounding like you're bragging? -- STELLA IN DALLAS

DEAR STELLA: It's not bragging to mention that you excel at something. It only becomes obnoxious if you dwell on it to the point that you forget to show an interest in the accomplishments of others.

DEAR ABBY: At a recent anniversary celebration for my parents, a well-meaning but thoughtless in-law sent them a gift from my deceased sister, with a card signed with her name. She died of cancer two years ago.

Her loss has been difficult and heartbreaking for all of us, especially my parents. I am furious at this guest for giving such a "gift." My parents were visibly shocked, but thanked the person anyway.

I knew the in-law was planning something like this, and I asked that it not be done at the party. I wish I had just said, "No! Don't do it!" I'm not sure whether I am madder at the gift giver or myself. I feel like the work we have done to recover from the loss has been set back. I could use some good advice. -- SPEECHLESS IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR SPEECHLESS: Your parents are extraordinarily gracious people to have handled the situation as tactfully as they did. It must have been devastating for them. The in-law's level of insensitivity is appalling.

Please do not blame yourself for what happened. If you had said, "Don't do it," it probably would have happened anyway. What's done is done, now let it go.

DEAR ABBY: My husband moved out on Feb. 14 of last year. (Yes, Valentine's Day!) Our divorce will be final soon.

My soon-to-be-ex parades his girlfriend all over town and with our friends. He claims it is over between us, yet he still comes over to mow the yard for me and do errands. He also comes here every Sunday to watch TV and visit. He says he wants to remain close friends even after the divorce.

My question is: What gives with him? I don't understand him at all. -- ARE WE DONE YET?

DEAR ARE WE DONE YET?: For a man to move out on Valentine's Day illustrates that he has the emotional sensitivity of a golf shoe. Your ex may be doing these things out of guilt. Whether the two of you are done yet depends upon how you define "done." Your marriage is over. Your romance is, too. What's left to tie you together? If it's masochism on your part, I don't recommend it.

DEAR ABBY: While I was at the grocery store, the woman in front of me said hello like she recognized me. I recognized her, but didn't remember her name or where I knew her from. I asked her some lame questions about art class, but it was obvious I didn't know her from there. It was very embarrassing.

The message I would like to give your readers is, please don't assume that someone can place you immediately. I am 70, and my memory is no longer as good as it used to be. The woman should have made sure I knew who she was, because it could have saved both of us from embarrassment. -- RED-FACED IN LEE'S SUMMIT, MO.

DEAR RED-FACED: I'm pleased to pass along your message. I have always thought the best policy in these situations is honesty. Because you were unable to place the woman, you should have told her you couldn't recall her name and asked her. To do so would not have been a breach of etiquette, and the encounter would have been less embarrassing for both of you.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My husband gave a friend of his -- I'll call him "Fred" -- a place to stay and nursed him back to health after Fred was critically injured while driving an ATV. Fred was drunk at the time.

That was six years ago, and Fred is still here. While he has helped my husband with a few chores, he does not work. My husband provides him with a travel trailer, utilities, food and beer money. Fred is 47 years old and perfectly capable of working. I feel he is being disrespectful, and I want to set some ground rules -- getting a job and staying out of our house when we are not home, for starters.

My husband doesn't seem able to have a discussion with Fred. Am I selfish and un-Christian? This is straining my marriage. Please help. -- FEELING USED IN ARIZONA

DEAR FEELING USED: I'll try. Although your husband may have had the noblest of motives in taking his injured friend in after his injury and nursing him back to health, he's doing the man no favors by continuing to foster his dependence. While I can see what Fred is getting out of this, it's time your husband explained to you what HE is getting out of it.

Under the circumstances, your feelings of being encroached upon are 100 percent valid. And unless you want the rest of your married life to be a family of three, you will have to draw the line.

DEAR ABBY: I am a foster mother to four children of different races. One is African-American, two are Hispanic and one is Caucasian. My husband and I are Caucasian, and we have two children of our own.

Abby, my kids may have different colors and origins, but they are all our very own. They have chores, go to school and are responsible kids. We love them dearly and would move a mountain one pebble at a time for each one if needed.

When I am out and about with all six kids, I get nasty looks and nastier comments about them. I am tired of people looking down on me for our "weird" family. One person even suggested that I get my tubes tied and stop sleeping around!

Do I ignore these comments? I refuse to tell people that they are foster kids. They have been hurt enough and do not need to be reminded about their parents living elsewhere. Please help me before the comments reach the ears of my precious kids. -- FOSTER MOM AMANDA

DEAR AMANDA: People tend to look at anything that is "different." A rainbow coalition of children is bound to draw a second look, and by now you should know it comes with the territory. That does not, however, justify the rude personal attack you received from the one person. And in my opinion you should have shamed him or her by responding that you are a foster parent, because it happens to be the truth.

DEAR ABBY: When women are being married, they usually start showing off their engagement/wedding ring(s). I have very selective taste, and I find many of them to be gaudy or downright ugly. What am I supposed to say when these women are expecting me to tell them, "How lovely"? -- UNENTHUSED IN ERIE, PA.

DEAR UNENTHUSED: Try this: "Oh! Look at how it sparkles! You must be thrilled!" Then look the B-2-B in the eye and give her a warm smile.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

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