DEAR ABBY: A former student asked me to write a character reference to help her land a teaching job abroad. I agreed, since I thought highly of her potential as a teacher and scholar, and her level of character. However, after she was placed in the classroom, the ministry of education of the nation where she was to teach discovered some inappropriate posting on her social networking site.

Because I had written the recommendation, they contacted me asking if they had a problem and provided me with copies of what they had found. Her posting detailed a history of forging fake IDs to buy alcohol while underage, numerous episodes of binge drinking in high school and college, her marijuana use and several exhibitionistic stunts and sexual activities that I won't mention. I was shocked. None of this matched the person I thought I knew.

When I tried to contact her to let her know she had been discovered, she rebuffed my inquiries and cut off all contact! Her parents' response was denial and to "kill the messenger." I have been left with the problem of how to respond to the ministry's questions.

Ordinarily I would not want my signature associated with someone with those behaviors and attitudes, but this young woman is in legal jeopardy abroad. I still don't know if what she wrote is true, but I find it highly problematic that she would portray herself as she did.

This situation has so shaken my trust in the character and judgment of the 20-something crowd that I'm now reluctant to write recommendations for any of my students. What do you think I should have done? I'm concerned that too many of these young people, however intelligent, lack integrity, character, judgment and common sense. -- HEARTBROKEN TEACHER, OAKLAND, CALIF.

DEAR HEARTBROKEN: You responded appropriately by trying to contact your former student and her parents. If the information on that social networking site is an accurate reflection of her behavior, she could get herself in real trouble if the country she's in is one with conservative social views.

It is intelligent of you to think twice about giving references to students in the future. It's important that you be careful because there could be liability for you if you knew anything about her antics when you wrote her recommendation. If you are wondering how to respond to the ministry of education, what you need to convey is that you had no knowledge of any social networking sites or postings related to her, and that you were basing your recommendations on your personal interactions with her.

Let this be a lesson to all young people who are using social networking sites. Employers are doing background checks and you will be discovered. Any past communications you have on the Internet are there to stay.

This has been a hot topic in the media. But I'm interested to know what you, my readers, both young and old, think about this. You teach me more than I teach you, and this subject is one of great importance.

DEAR ABBY: My wife went on a diet a year ago and lost a tremendous amount of weight. The problem now is she won't quit. Every time I suggest she stop and put a few pounds back on, she gets angry and won't speak to me.

My wife isn't anorexic, but I have a feeling she may be headed in that direction. She has no health concerns that either of us is aware of, and when I say anything she just says, "You wanted me thin, so now I'm thin!"

Please tell me what I should do before her dieting gets out of control and becomes a serious threat to her health. -- DISTRAUGHT HUSBAND OF A VERY THIN WIFE

DEAR DISTRAUGHT: Your wife may have worked so hard to lose the weight you urged her to lose that she hasn't figured out how to stabilize and maintain it. Because you are worried that she may have gone off the deep end, the two of you should make an appointment with her doctor to discuss what a healthy weight is for her -- and possibly get a referral to a licensed nutritionist who can help her establish a healthy maintenance plan.

DEAR ABBY: My husband's sister, "Irma," has hurt us with her words and actions many times. When the drama is over, she will suddenly send an e-mail saying she "misses" my husband and me. I do not want to seem like an unforgiving person, but I'm tired of this repeated behavior. My husband and I feel we're better off not socializing with her and my brother-in-law, but if I respond to her e-mail, it just opens the door for yet another incident. How can we clear the air but not leave ourselves open for another attack? -- FORGIVEN BUT NOT FORGOTTEN

DEAR FORGIVEN: Your feelings are understandable, but this is your sister-in-law -- so you can't dodge her forever. This doesn't mean you must see her often. When you do, take an emotional step backward and treat her with the same respect -- and degree of closeness -- that you would any other acquaintance. When she acts out, absent yourself.

The woman appears to have poor impulse control and a high degree of volatility. And that's a subject that your husband might approach (privately) with his brother-in-law and you should stay away from. Your brother-in-law might be more receptive to the message if he hears it from his wife's brother.

DEAR ABBY: When I was 12, my cousin "Larry" gave me a hallucinogen-laced candy bar and raped me. I struggled with depression and anxiety during all of my teenage and young adult years. The herpes I got from him left me with lifelong issues.

With the support of Survivors of Incest Anonymous (SIA) and a therapist, I was eventually able to process the terrible repressed memories. My journey of recovery and healing includes living with healthy boundaries -- so when my father died, I made it known that Larry was not welcome at the funeral. My cousin "Janet" was very upset by my choice. She has been ignoring me since. I am hurt by her behavior, but not devastated.

Abby, I'd appreciate your printing this letter to encourage other survivors so they, too, can live full lives with boundaries. We do not have to allow ourselves to be ruled by dysfunctional family issues. Thank you. -- GRATEFUL RECOVERING SURVIVOR IN NEW YORK

DEAR SURVIVOR: You're right, you don't. And because funerals are to comfort the living, and Cousin Larry's presence would have been upsetting, you were right to exclude him.

Survivors of Incest Anonymous, a 12-step program for persons 18 years or older who have been victims of child sexual abuse, has been mentioned in my column before. It has been successful in helping people who were traumatized by childhood abuse become -- as the name indicates -- survivors. It offers assistance in starting groups, a volunteer information and referral line, and also sells literature and a newsletter. Its website is � HYPERLINK "http://www.siawso.org" ��www.siawso.org�.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 25-year-old guy. Two years ago I saw the cutest guy at work I had ever seen. After finally working up enough courage, I asked "Peter" to go out with me -- as friends. The more I got to know him, the harder I fell for him. Peter is quiet, intelligent, a perfect balance between introvert and extrovert. For lack of a better word, he is "distinctive" -- unlike any person I have ever met.

Earlier this year he asked me to be his roommate. I was unsure if that was a wise decision, knowing how strongly I feel for him. I decided to do it, wondering whether Peter's feelings for me would strengthen as he got to know me better through our living arrangement. We have discussed our goals in life, and Peter says he doesn't want to be in a serious relationship until he reaches his 30s. (He's my age.) That said, I have gotten mixed signals.

Abby, I am ready for a relationship and I want it to be with him. Should I tell him how I feel? I worry that if I don't say something now, I may lose my chance to someone else. -- HEAD OVER HEELS IN WISCONSIN

DEAR HEAD OVER HEELS: Remaining silent is not a solution to your problem. But neither is forcing Peter into making a premature commitment he doesn't feel he's ready for. You need to tell him your feelings without demanding a commitment from him to determine if your feelings are in any way reciprocated. Then you can decide whether or not you need to move on. I can imagine few things more painful than loving someone and having to watch that person become romantically involved with others.