DEAR ABBY: I divorced two years ago, after 40 years of marriage. The divorce papers read "irreconcilable differences." I made up my mind that I wouldn't badmouth my ex-wife, would use her name when speaking of her, and would rebuild my personal and social life as quickly as possible.

Last year, I dated half a dozen widows. Without fail, during the course of the date, these lovely ladies would raise the subject of the death of their husbands. These women were beyond tears, but the pain in their eyes was evident. I heard stories about how they took care of a beloved husband while he was dying of cancer, or an unexplained sudden death and the anguish of trying to wake him from his eternal sleep.

Christmas has just passed and it has been a long time since I have felt so alone. I went to the clubhouse in our community for dinner, but all my friends were either away for the holidays or entertaining friends and family and I couldn't intrude.

While I listened to these widows, I have seen steely eyes soften and even heard them laugh. What an ego booster it has been for me. What I need now is some of my own medicine. I hope one day I'll find someone who doesn't need a handsome Jack, a good golfer or a sugar daddy. Until then, I'll just have to be a ... LONESOME GEORGE

DEAR LONESOME GEORGE: Because you're a good listener, please listen to me. It's time to become more involved in life. Enroll in adult education classes, learn to paint, take a writing class or an acting class or get some computer training.

Volunteer your services. There are plenty of underprivileged people, people with disabilities and teens who could use a friend. Get involved in your political party, your church or a professional organization.

Take dancing lessons. Join a gym or health club. Do some entertaining and ask your friends to bring a friend. And let your friends know you're available. You may not meet the perfect somebody right away, but you'll make new friends -- and one of them may have a friend who's perfect for you.

DEAR ABBY: My lifelong friend from childhood wonders why I am avoiding her. Now that I am in my 80s, the unfairness of a lie from our past is still plaguing me.

Seventy-five years ago, at a Sunday school picnic, I saw "Mary Ann's" mother take something from another woman's purse. As she looked around, she caught my eye and an ugly expression came over her face. Days later, Mary Ann told me people in our church were being told that I was a thief. Not having the maturity to handle the enormous falsehood, and knowing it wasn't true, I chose to ignore it. But it didn't go away. It followed me all my life.

Some years later, another friend advised me to talk to our minister, who told me to pray about it. My prayer was that he would stand up in the pulpit and declare my innocence, but it never came about and I eventually left the church.

I learned later that Mary Ann's mother had a habit of stealing from homes where she worked as a practical nurse. Losing my reputation because of this woman's weakness made the lie all the more painful, and I so want to be cleared at least in my friend's eyes. But do I want to hurt my friend in revealing her mother's responsibility in switching the blame for her theft? Please help. -- IN LINGERING PAIN, GRAHAM, WASH.

DEAR IN PAIN: Write Mary Ann a letter and tell her exactly what you have told me. I'm sure she knows her mother's character very well, and it will come as no shock to her. Then the two of you should decide together how her mother's slander of you should be handled. If she's your friend, she'll help you.

DEAR ABBY: I recently married a wonderful man. Our wedding day was going perfectly and I had all the family I loved around me -- including my divorced grandparents.

My grandfather has remarried, but still had a lot of unfinished legal business with Grandma that needed settling. Grandpa thought my wedding reception would be a good place to do it and served her with court papers there.

I was so upset that he would do this on my special day, I have stopped talking to him. He dropped by my mom's one day and I ignored him. He told me if I wanted to "divorce" him as my grandfather I could, but that he wasn't wrong and wouldn't apologize for it.

Please tell me what you think. Am I wrong for expecting him to apologize to me for what he did? -- NEW IOWA BRIDE

DEAR NEW BRIDE: Your grandfather owes all concerned that day an apology. His judgment was atrocious. But please don't hold your breath waiting for him to offer one. Your grandfather is self-centered, self-righteous, insensitive and stubborn, and it won't be forthcoming.

DEAR ABBY: When my wife and I go to a buffet for lunch or dinner, she takes too much food on purpose to take home with her. I say it's wrong because you pay for what you eat, not what you "carry out." She insists that paying means she can take whatever amount she wants.

The last time we went, she actually waited for more chicken to be brought out so she could put three pieces in a napkin before we left. Now she's mad at me because I told her it was wrong. I'll live by what you say, Abby. What is it? -- CRYING "FOWL" IN LAKEWOOD, CALIF.

DEAR CRYING "FOWL": Your wife isn't mad at you because you told her what she did was wrong. She's pouting because she doesn't want to admit that you were right -- that she was pulling a fast one and you didn't approve. If all the patrons behaved as she does, the restaurant would not be able to break even, let alone make a profit. Her behavior was not just tacky; it showed a distinct lack of character.

DEAR ABBY: What do you think of a person who makes fun of others about various "shortcomings" (e.g., being computer illiterate) while she knows little about these subjects herself? I am weary of listening to her whining voice belittling others. She's always talking about how "stupid" this person is, and how "dumb" that person is.

The individual I'm describing is my mother. Growing up, I didn't know differently. But as an adult and a mother myself, I cringe when she says these things. My 10-year-old daughter has asked me why Grandma makes fun of people. Is my mother a bully? -- NAILS ON A BLACKBOARD

DEAR NAILS: Yes, she is. She's also someone who is trying to make herself appear superior to those she disparages. Use her poor example to teach your daughter what an unattractive personality trait it is -- although from your letter, she appears to have already concluded that herself. You have a wise and discerning child who obviously does not take after her grandmother. And I'm sure that's because of your good influence. I salute you.

DEAR ABBY: Just how honest should you be with a friend? My friend "Frannie" did not receive a promotion in her department, and I think I know why -- her appearance. The promotion would have required more interaction with clients.

Frannie is bright, hard-working, has Christian ethics, a beautiful, trim figure, a wide smile and dresses well. But -- she wears no makeup, doesn't pluck her huge unibrow and wears sandals that expose her very hairy toes and the hairy tops of her feet.

Many people have commented to me about her hairy feet and face, but I have not had the heart to tell her what they say. She has also been asking me why guys shy away from her.

Do I say nothing, or should I offer helpful advice? -- FRANNIE'S FRIEND IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR FRIEND: What you need to ask yourself before raising a sensitive subject like this is: Is it true? Is it helpful? Is it kind? From where I sit, telling Frannie what she needs to hear passes those tests. Because Frannie has been asking why men shy away from her, that's your opening to talk to her about her grooming. Many women have body-hair issues, but there are solutions for it. The poor woman needs the services of a cosmetologist.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I separated more than a year ago, but we have remained friends for the sake of our children. During our marriage, my sister moved in with us. When I moved out, she stayed on to help my husband financially, and also to help with our children.

Yesterday, my husband confirmed that he's now sleeping with my sister. I must see them almost daily and I don't want to make a difficult situation worse. How can I get over the hurt and betrayal I feel toward them -- especially my sister? How can I forgive them? Will time really heal this wound? -- BETRAYED BY MY SISTER

DEAR BETRAYED: It may help in your healing if you accept that your marriage ended the day you walked out the door, leaving your sister in the role of wife -- contributing financially to the household, parenting the children, and I assume, emotionally supporting your husband. Not to have seen this coming was naive. The stronger you become, the easier it will be to forgive them and go on with your life, but getting there may require professional counseling. I'm recommending you start sooner rather than later.

DEAR ABBY: My friends and I were recently discussing supermarket etiquette and hope you can provide some insight. When checking out at the grocery store and a customer is standing behind you ready to unload her basket, is it your responsibility to move the divider bar to the end of your order or should it be the person behind you? Which is more proper? -- CONSCIENTIOUS SHOPPER, ERIE, PA.

DEAR CONSCIENTIOUS: The person unloading the basket usually places the bar to ensure that her (or his) groceries are kept separate from the person in front. There are, however, no hard-and-fast rules about it.