life

Two of Man's Friends Don't Pass Muster With New Wife

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | January 2nd, 2011 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My husband "Larry" and I have been married three months. I adore him, his family and most of his friends. Two of them, however, I can barely tolerate. They show up at our house unannounced and stay for hours.

Larry is too nice to say anything to them about these drop-in visits. They also make disparaging comments about their wives, complaining constantly about their "nagging" and their "faults." One of them has repeatedly cheated on his wife.

I don't want my husband around these men who obviously don't like their wives. I'm afraid what they say will "rub off" on him. I have explained the reasons I dislike his friends, but he says I have nothing to worry about. That doesn't change the way I feel. What can I do? -- WORRIED WIFE IN ARKANSAS

DEAR WORRIED WIFE: Have a little patience and stop telling your husband you think his friends are a threat to your marriage. Instead, schedule as much social time as you can with other couples who have healthy relationships. It shouldn't take long for your husband to realize what sad sacks those two are.

Not all friendships last forever. Sometimes people outgrow them, and that's what I'm hoping your husband will realize without you acting like his "keeper."

life

Dear Abby for January 02, 2011

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | January 2nd, 2011 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I am a longtime member of the U.S. Air Force who has three college-age sons and a 13-year-old daughter, "Carly." Their mother and I divorced eight years ago. I've done everything I can to stay a part of all their lives. My sons and I get out for an occasional round of golf or watch the game over dinner, but Carly and I have reached a disconnect. We were close until early last summer -- swimming, shopping, vacationing or just hanging out at my house. She and my wife have a good relationship. But something has changed.

Now, when we make plans for a movie or dinner or whatever, Carly makes an excuse at the last minute to break it. I asked her what's going on, but she won't tell me. My wife says it's just her age, but I don't understand why I am the one who gets cut out of her life.

Carly's mother and I don't have the best relationship, and she's not interested in discussing these matters, but she says Carly is "just being Carly." Abby, am I worried about nothing? Is my wife right or could there be another issue? -- STILL A DAD IN THE U.S.A.F.

DEAR STILL A DAD: Stop panicking and listen to the women. Your little girl may have been Daddy's girl until last summer --- but she's a teenager now. It's normal for teens to disengage from their parents and develop interests of their own, so relax and don't push. Let Carly know you're there for her and eventually she'll start coming around again. What you have described is not unusual for girls her age.

life

Dear Abby for January 02, 2011

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | January 2nd, 2011 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: Do you think it's appropriate to ask for credit on articles I write for our company newsletter? I don't think it's fair to write an article for the HR department and not receive credit for it. It's my creation and I'd like to be recognized. Is this selfish, or is it a reasonable request? -- UNACKNOWLEDGED IN MADISON, OHIO

DEAR UNACKNOWLEDGED: It's reasonable as long as other contributors also receive credit for their articles. In some -- but not all -- companies, that's the case. You are certainly within your rights to make your preference known to whoever is publishing your newsletter. No one may have asked before.

life

New Year Full of Possibility Replaces Hard Year for Many

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | January 1st, 2011

DEAR READERS: Welcome to 2011! While the last year has been arduous for many of us, a new one has arrived, bringing with it our chance for a new beginning.

Today is the day we discard destructive old habits for healthy new ones, and with that in mind, I will share Dear Abby's often requested list of New Year's Resolutions -- which were adapted by my mother, Pauline Phillips, from the original credo of Al-Anon:

JUST FOR TODAY: I will live through this day only. I will not brood about yesterday or obsess about tomorrow. I will not set far-reaching goals or try to overcome all of my problems at once.

I know that I can do something for 24 hours that would overwhelm me if I had to keep it up for a lifetime.

JUST FOR TODAY: I will be happy. I will not dwell on thoughts that depress me. If my mind fills with clouds, I will chase them away and fill it with sunshine.

JUST FOR TODAY: I will accept what is. I will face reality. I will correct those things that I can correct and accept those I cannot.

JUST FOR TODAY: I will improve my mind. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration. I will not be a mental loafer.

JUST FOR TODAY: I will make a conscious effort to be agreeable. I will be kind and courteous to those who cross my path, and I'll not speak ill of others. I will improve my appearance, speak softly, and not interrupt when someone else is talking.

Just for today, I will refrain from improving anybody but myself.

JUST FOR TODAY: I will do something positive to improve my health. If I'm a smoker, I'll quit. If I am overweight, I will eat healthfully -- if only just for today. And not only that, I will get off the couch and take a brisk walk, even if it's only around the block.

JUST FOR TODAY: I will gather the courage to do what is right and take responsibility for my own actions.

And now, Dear Readers, I would like to share an item that was sent to me by I.J. Bhatia, a reader who lives in New Delhi, India:

DEAR ABBY: This year, no resolutions, only some guidelines. The Holy Vedas say, "Man has subjected himself to thousands of self-inflicted bondages. Wisdom comes to a man who lives according to the true eternal laws of nature."

The prayer of St. Francis (of which there are several versions) contains a powerful message:

"Lord, make me an instrument of your peace:

"where there is hatred, let me sow love,

"where there is injury, pardon;

"where there is doubt, faith;

"where there is despair, hope;

"where there is darkness, light;

"and where there is sadness, joy.

"O Divine Master,

"grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;

"to be understood, as to understand;

"to be loved, as to love;

"for it is in giving that we receive,

"it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

"and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life."

And so, Dear Readers, may this new year bring with it good health, peace and joy to all of you. Love, ABBY

life

Teen's Grieving Sister Claims School Failed to Stop Bullying

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | December 31st, 2010 | Letter 1 of 4

DEAR ABBY: I just lost my 15-year-old sister to bullying and the school here is not doing anything about it. There have been a number of suicides due to this behavior. I want schools to realize they need to take action before someone else gets hurt.

Bullying isn't a harmless prank and it should be taken seriously. I have heard of a bullying law in some schools, but it needs to be in all schools. I should not have to bury my sister at such a young age.

Abby, can you please get a message out to schools and their students about bullying? Thank you. -- GRIEF-STRICKEN SISTER IN MICHIGAN

DEAR GRIEF-STRICKEN SISTER: Please accept my deepest sympathy not only for the untimely loss of your sister, but also the tragic circumstances surrounding her death. Although bullying is something that has gone on for generations, in recent years school boards have only begun to realize what a serious and pervasive problem it truly is and have instituted zero tolerance policies.

In many schools where student suicides have occurred, the administration has provided grief counseling and programs to sensitize students and faculty in order to prevent it from happening. If that isn't being done in your community, the parents should be very worried.

life

Dear Abby for December 31, 2010

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | December 31st, 2010 | Letter 2 of 4

DEAR ABBY: What do you say to a person who never stops talking? A friend does it, and I don't want to hurt her feelings. It has reached the point where I avoid her because her nonstop babbling irritates me. I have made clear to her I don't use my phone much and prefer e-mail, but it hasn't stopped her from calling anyway -- sometimes late at night. I let the machine pick up, but my sleep is still interrupted and, once again, I am irritated.

Abby, this woman has a heart of gold. She is generous and sweet, but her incessant chatter diminishes any good feelings I have for her. Even when we're eating in a restaurant, she never stops to come up for air. How can I politely let her know her never-ending blather is getting on my nerves? -- CAN'T GET A WORD IN, IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR CAN'T GET A WORD IN: Your friend is a compulsive talker. She may do it out of insecurity, or because the sound of silence makes her uncomfortable. She may do it because she thinks she's entertaining. But hogging the conversation is rude. And calling someone in the late evening, after being told that the person does not want calls after a certain hour, is also rude. Much as you might like to, I doubt anything you say politely will change her. So accept her, warts and all, or move on.

life

Dear Abby for December 31, 2010

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | December 31st, 2010 | Letter 3 of 4

DEAR ABBY: When a man meets a woman wearing a low-cut dress or blouse, is it rude to momentarily glance down (not stare) at her cleavage? Most men find this a natural, unavoidable impulse. -- DOIN' WHAT COMES NATURALLY

DEAR DOIN': It may be a "natural, unavoidable impulse," but gentlemen have learned to control their impulses. And that's what I recommend you do -- unless you want to offend the woman you're with or the woman you're meeting. I'm surprised you haven't heard the phrase, "My eyes are up here."

life

Dear Abby for December 31, 2010

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | December 31st, 2010 | Letter 4 of 4

DEAR READERS: From the bottom of my heart, I wish all of you a happy, healthy and prosperous 2011. And please, if you will be driving tonight, don't drink; and if you're drinking tonight, don't drive. Stay safe, everyone! -- Love, ABBY

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