DEAR ABBY: My husband travels a lot -- three to four days a week. Sometimes when he's intoxicated and we're having sex, he acts like he doesn't know who I am.

I asked him once, "Are you married?" He said, "No ..." Another time I asked, "Do you have a girlfriend?" and he said, "No, but you're fine ..." The next day he has no idea he said any of this. Should I be worried? -- WRONG ANSWER IN CHICAGO

DEAR WRONG ANSWER: Absolutely. You should be worried not only about the fact that your husband is probably having extracurricular sex, but also that he has a drinking problem so severe he doesn't always know who he's sleeping with. You should be worried that after a night of drinking he can't remember clearly the next day what he has said (or has possibly done).

If he won't admit he has a problem and seek help, you should contact Al-Anon (it's in your phone book, or find it online at www.al-anon.org). And you should schedule an appointment with your physician to be tested for STDs, because I'm worried he may have given you one -- or more.

DEAR ABBY: I moved from New Jersey to Florida 20 years ago, married my wife and started a family. My parents relocated here a few years later. When I asked if they would be living nearby, I was told, "No way! We raised our kids already." Hearing it felt hurtful.

As time has passed, they have made themselves available to a family who lives near them for baby-sitting and help running their business when the family is on vacation. We have asked my parents on several occasions if we could have some help watching our children, but they said they were too busy or it was too much to handle.

We feel we should take priority over "outsiders." But when we bring up the subject, it is met with strong opposition. We just feel like we're not good enough, and don't know how to answer our children when they ask about their grandparents. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. -- BEWILDERED IN FLORIDA

DEAR BEWILDERED: Your situation is sad, but my advice is to accept that you won't be getting any help from -- or becoming any closer to -- your parents. They may have refused your requests for help because they don't care for your spouse, or your children really are too much for them to handle. I'm sorry.

DEAR ABBY: I lost my 84-year-old mother in an accident. I called Mom's friends, many of whom are also elderly. Several of them talked on and on about their problems, their poor health, their spouses' poor health -- and one even went on and on about her hot water tank "blowing up"!

Would you please remind people that when they get a courtesy call from a grieving family member to please listen, say, "Thank you for calling to let me know," and to offer condolences for their loss. -- BEREAVED DAUGHTER, LIVONIA, N.Y.

DEAR BEREAVED DAUGHTER: Allow me to offer my condolences for the loss of your mother. I'm pleased to print your letter because not everyone knows how to handle a phone call such as you had to make. It's possible that the folks you called were either uncomfortable with the subject, and so they tried to deflect it by discussing what was going on in their lives -- or they have heard about death so often at their age that they have become accustomed to hearing such sad news. (As for the woman who mentioned her water heater -- I hope you were kind enough to refer her to a plumber.)

DEAR ABBY: I am responding to "Single Still in Little Rock" (Nov. 6), the 34-year-old woman who is anxious about whether she'll ever marry. I married for the first time at 67. After retiring from a 45-year career in nursing, I met a wonderful, caring and interesting man who had lost his first wife years earlier. Neither "Sam" nor I was looking for a spouse at the time. (Truthfully, I had given up.) We were introduced by a mutual friend at church and soon knew we were meant to be together.

My advice to "Single" is to continue living a full and productive life, remain open to making new friends, look for a man who had a happy first marriage and don't give in to your anxieties. My husband and I know our time together is limited. We strive to make the most of every day, overlooking small and unimportant differences, and focusing on making each other happy. I am an integral part of Sam's family, including his sons and their offspring. It's a wonderful life, and I'm grateful I was able to endure some loneliness when I was younger for all that I have now. -- ROSE IN TUCSON

DEAR ROSE: Your letter is inspiring. "Single Still" requested that I ask readers for their success stories in finding love "later in life," and true to form you responded in huge numbers. Bless you all! Read on:

DEAR ABBY: For many years I desperately wanted to be married. Therefore, I measured everyone who asked me out as a possible husband and either scared them away or allowed myself to be used. Finally, after living in a number of large cities, my career moved me to a tiny rural town. By then I had lost hope of finding Mr. Right, so I quit looking.

Best thing I ever did! I learned to enjoy life for what it offered each day, not pine for a mate. I found myself enjoying friendships with men because I saw them as friends, not potential husbands. Out of the blue, some pals arranged a blind date with "the only eligible bachelor" left in town. We were married less than six months later -- at ages 34 and 38 -- and just celebrated our 21st anniversary. -- LOVING MY LIFE IN MINNESOTA

DEAR ABBY: I consider my "failed" relationships opportunities to learn something. The main lesson is I must love who I am first and be less concerned about where a relationship is going. When you're happy, pursuing your own interests and developing yourself as a person, someone with a similar perspective will come along. Instead of bemoaning my single status, I'm on Internet dating sites -- a great platform for meeting people who share my interests. -- SONDRA IN TENNESSEE

DEAR ABBY: I held off on marrying until my career was stable. My wife and I married when we were 35. For years we have traveled without worrying about baby sitters or being home by a certain time. We have formed friendships with other childless couples and share "family" holidays. We dote on our nieces and nephews. If "Single" still wants children and is concerned about the health aspects of pregnancy at an older age, adoption is available. -- MARRIED MAN IN TEXAS

DEAR ABBY: At age 30, with the help of a therapist, I realized I was approaching this thing all wrong. Instead of dating men who were looking at me, I was running after every gorgeous guy I saw. It didn't work, so I stopped chasing and let myself be chased. I was married in five years. Love isn't always "at first sight." -- BEEN THERE IN OAKLAND, CALIF.

DEAR ABBY: I used my single status in service to others -- volunteering on "date nights," involving myself in local politics, being active in church and having a stellar career. I have no regrets, and am sad for the women I know who are lonely in their marriages. "Single" should count her blessings that she hasn't said "I do" to "Mr. Wrong." -- SINGLE AND NOT SORRY IN FLORIDA

DEAR ABBY: After having been out of the U.S. for many years, I noticed upon returning that people here seem to be much fatter. I went to a family gathering, and virtually every formerly slim member of my family had also gotten bigger.

I quietly mentioned it to one of my sisters, and word got around that I had "no manners." My other sister, "Niki," who has a degree in psychology, told me in no uncertain terms that people never talk about such things with each other.

I explained to her that mentioning it once, or discussing the ballooning of America, can be appropriate. I believe our country has fattened up because of a lazy attitude toward exercise and calories. Niki vehemently opposes my discussing it.

I learned later that she neglected to invite me to her son's wedding for fear I would say something about you-know-what to her in-laws. I admit, I don't have a silver tongue -- but I'm disappointed my favorite psychologist has blackballed me and cut off communication. It's sad to lose a sister this way. Please advise, Abby. -- BROTHER BLACK SHEEP

DEAR BROTHER BLACK SHEEP: Why do I think there's more to this story than you have written? Obesity has become an epidemic in this country, and the reasons for it are more complicated than a lazy attitude.

You don't need a "silver tongue" to apologize to your sisters for having offended them. Perhaps your "favorite psychologist" would have invited you to her son's wedding if you had been willing to apologize.

People who have weight issues know they are fat. They don't need to debate it. And they don't need you to remind them or imply they are lazy.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 45-year-old male reader. I have been friends with "Oscar" for 20 years. He asked me to be the godparent of his new baby girl. As you can imagine, I was overwhelmed when he asked. I have never been a godparent. We discussed it at length, and I told him I needed to think it over to be sure of my decision.

After a few days I was still indecisive. Part of me wanted to do it and part of me didn't. I told Oscar it was an honor, but that I felt unsure and not fully committed. I knew if I were to accept and then reconsider, it wouldn't be cool. So I bowed out to give him time to find someone else.

Oscar's reaction told me he was deeply angry and hurt. That night I hardly slept. I kept thinking how much I had disappointed my friend, his wife and their entire family. I feel terribly guilty. It's clear that Oscar was expecting me to say yes. Is it wrong to say no when someone asks you to be a godparent? -- TRUE FRIEND IN WISCONSIN

DEAR TRUE FRIEND: No, it's not wrong if the person who is asked does not feel able to fulfill the obligations that go with that honor. Your friend may feel less hurt if you explain to him your reasons for not accepting and the fact that you wouldn't want to agree if you couldn't do everything that would be expected of you. Saying no sometimes requires tact, but I'll give you credit for being honest about your feelings.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)