DEAR ABBY: I am a 23-year-old woman and my best friend is a guy, "Trevor." After hearing him call me "Sweetie" and say he's smitten with me and crazy about me, I mustered up the courage to talk with him about taking our friendship to the next level -- dating. Trevor responded that his emotions are in a "blender" right now and that he doesn't want to deal with them. He said he doesn't want to make promises in the future he can't keep. He also said he loves me and wants to continue to be best friends.

I know in my heart that it would be beautiful if Trevor just gave us a chance. I'm ready to date him. In fact, we already act like a couple. My friends say I should give up on him, but isn't a solid relationship built on a strong base of friendship? Should we remain best friends? -- MAD ABOUT HIM IN WASHINGTON STATE

DEAR MAD ABOUT HIM: The answer to both your questions is yes. However, best friends are free to date others -- and that seems to be what Trevor would prefer right now: no commitments. Loving someone and being in love with someone are not the same. And while Trevor's emotions are "in a blender," he is clear that he wants his freedom. You have my sympathy.

DEAR ABBY: I have been divorced for almost a year and am the mother of two daughters. I am dating two very nice men, and I have been open and honest with both of them about not wanting a serious relationship right now. They both understand. The problem is my sister seems to feel that I need to make a commitment to one of them because if I don't, I will be viewed as a "player." She hasn't spoken to me in weeks because of this "issue."

Is it wrong of me to date more than one man at a time even if I am absolutely honest with them about it? I am not ready to settle down, and I enjoy dating both of them. How do I handle this with my sister? -- NOT PLAYING FOR KEEPS

DEAR NOT PLAYING FOR KEEPS: The way to "handle" her is to ignore the silence and not allow her to push your buttons. By giving you the silent treatment, your sister is attempting to control your life. You are an adult, and you should not allow your sister -- however well-meaning she may be -- to pressure you.

DEAR ABBY: Today I witnessed two incidents of apparently well-meaning parents swatting their small children's behinds -- in public, no less. I cannot believe in these enlightened times this is still considered acceptable by otherwise intelligent people.

As an elementary school teacher, I can tell which children have been subjected to physical discipline at home. They seem more fearful and angry and are more likely to hit another child because children learn through mimicry. In school or in public, a child who swats another child is liable to be lectured on bullying, sued or even arrested. Hitting someone other than your own child is called "assault" in legal terms.

Any degree of swatting may seem effective because it gets the child's attention in the moment, but in the long run, it is counterproductive.

I believe all high schools should offer mandatory child-rearing classes for both genders to break this harmful cycle, and to teach more effective forms of discipline. -- ANY CHILD'S TEACHER

DEAR ANY CHILD'S TEACHER: I agree with you 100 percent!

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DEAR ABBY: My husband "Zak" and I have been married five years. His brother "Tom" has never liked me. In fact, he went out of his way to ruin our wedding. Just before the ceremony he feigned a dramatic illness, yelled obscenities at my aunt for taking pictures and refused to wear his dress shirt or tie. Abby, he was a groomsman.

Tom is being married this spring to a woman who likes me even less than he does. I want no part of their wedding, nor do I even want to attend. Zak insists that I go and be "civil." Is my husband right? Should I swallow my feelings and go to the wedding, or am I justified in sitting this one out? -- THE "BLACK SHEEP" IN-LAW

DEAR B.S.I.L: While I understand your feelings, my advice is to go to the wedding and be civil. Don't do it for Tom and his fiancee. Do it for your husband. Considering the way your brother- and sister-in-law-to-be appear to feel about you, you won't have to tolerate their company often, so count your blessings.

DEAR ABBY: I had an affair with a married man for about nine months. I broke it off after finally realizing it wasn't going anywhere and he was lying to me about his intentions. Part of me wants him to feel pain for his actions. I want to contact his spouse anonymously and tell him not to trust him. Most of my friends advise against this, while a few tell me to go ahead. What do you think? -- JOHN IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR JOHN: Please do not represent yourself as an example of injured and outraged virtue "done wrong" by a married man. You knew he was married and you were a willing participant. If you insist on contacting your lover's spouse and causing pain, have the testicular fortitude to identify yourself. To do so anonymously would be cowardly.

DEAR ABBY: A couple of years ago my son went away to school and met a girl from another state who had no family or friends here. "Celia" was adopted as a baby and didn't get along well with her adoptive family. When my son returned home, Celia came with him -- engaged. Our family accepted her into our home and our hearts.

When their engagement was called off, because Celia had nowhere to go, she moved in with me and my husband. She continued to live with us until she met someone and they were married. She is close to my other kids, especially my two daughters.

Celia recently gave birth to a baby boy. She refers to me as his grandma, which pleases me greatly. I have two other grandchildren whom I adore. My question is, how do I explain to people who ask, when I have the baby, who he is? When I say "my grandson," they ask me from which of my kids. That leads to a long, drawn-out explanation I don't always feel like making. -- FULL OF LOVE IN MISSOURI

DEAR FULL OF LOVE: Why not say, "My honorary grandson"? And if you are questioned further, add, "His mother is like a daughter to me."

DEAR ABBY: My son "Dennis" is divorcing for the third time. He has primary custody of his oldest two children and shared custody of the younger two. He is an excellent father.

I have stayed with him in his large home to help with the kids. I supplement their groceries with things we enjoy. Dennis has a female friend he confides in. He insists they are platonic, but she has told me she hopes to win him over.

This woman has a hard time making ends meet, but always has money for pedicures and out-of-town football games. She spends many days and nights with Dennis, showering there, eating his food and using his laundry facilities. I resent that she is eating or taking home the food I buy for the children. Am I being selfish? My husband and I live on a fixed income and must be careful with our money. Any suggestions? -- WARY IN MINNESOTA

DEAR WARY: I do have one. Because you resent the idea that your son's lady friend may be helping herself to the goodies you are providing for your son and grandchildren, and because it is causing you financial strain, stop doing it. Or bring with you only what you and the children can consume during your visit.

DEAR ABBY: Thank you for publishing my letter (Oct. 27) about Mindy, the dying woman who was celebrating all occasions and holidays early. I would like to add a poignant postscript to the original story. During Mindy's battle with cancer, she and her husband Bill were friendly with another couple who, sadly, were also battling cancer. In this case, it was the husband who had, at a young age, developed the disease.

Near the end of her life, Mindy asked her adult daughter to try and create a relationship between Bill and Helen, the wife who had lost her husband. A few months after Mindy passed, her daughter suggested to her father that he call Helen just to chat. He did, and after some time their friendship evolved into a serious relationship. They are being married in the next few months.

Mindy must have instinctively known that the losses the remaining spouses had suffered would never be understood except by someone else who had experienced such pain. What a selfless person she was! -- RABBI ALBERT SLOMOVITZ

DEAR RABBI SLOMOVITZ: Indeed she was. And I wish Bill and Helen a lifetime of happiness together.

DEAR ABBY: My 27-year-old daughter and two grandsons (ages 5 and 6) moved in with me more than a year ago. "Lori" is a good mom, but it upsets me when I wake up at night and discover that she's not home. She will leave a note saying she's with this person or that and will be home by midnight or 1 a.m.

It infuriates me when she leaves the boys alone with me without informing me in advance. We argue constantly about this, but she continues to do it. I am ready to call the police or to file a report with DSS. Lori says I am home anyway, so what's the harm? Please help me with this. -- HOME ALONE WITH THE KIDS WHILE MOM'S OUT PARTYING

DEAR HOME ALONE WITH THE KIDS: Your daughter's behavior is extremely disrespectful to the mother who took her in. Nothing will change until you draw the line and tell her that the home she and her boys are living in is yours -- not hers -- and you expect her to live by your rules, the first of which is giving you the courtesy of asking whether you might like the evening out before she plans one for herself. You are both adults, and you deserve to be consulted. If she won't comply, she should make other living arrangements.