DEAR ABBY: My son "Dennis" is divorcing for the third time. He has primary custody of his oldest two children and shared custody of the younger two. He is an excellent father.

I have stayed with him in his large home to help with the kids. I supplement their groceries with things we enjoy. Dennis has a female friend he confides in. He insists they are platonic, but she has told me she hopes to win him over.

This woman has a hard time making ends meet, but always has money for pedicures and out-of-town football games. She spends many days and nights with Dennis, showering there, eating his food and using his laundry facilities. I resent that she is eating or taking home the food I buy for the children. Am I being selfish? My husband and I live on a fixed income and must be careful with our money. Any suggestions? -- WARY IN MINNESOTA

DEAR WARY: I do have one. Because you resent the idea that your son's lady friend may be helping herself to the goodies you are providing for your son and grandchildren, and because it is causing you financial strain, stop doing it. Or bring with you only what you and the children can consume during your visit.

DEAR ABBY: Thank you for publishing my letter (Oct. 27) about Mindy, the dying woman who was celebrating all occasions and holidays early. I would like to add a poignant postscript to the original story. During Mindy's battle with cancer, she and her husband Bill were friendly with another couple who, sadly, were also battling cancer. In this case, it was the husband who had, at a young age, developed the disease.

Near the end of her life, Mindy asked her adult daughter to try and create a relationship between Bill and Helen, the wife who had lost her husband. A few months after Mindy passed, her daughter suggested to her father that he call Helen just to chat. He did, and after some time their friendship evolved into a serious relationship. They are being married in the next few months.

Mindy must have instinctively known that the losses the remaining spouses had suffered would never be understood except by someone else who had experienced such pain. What a selfless person she was! -- RABBI ALBERT SLOMOVITZ

DEAR RABBI SLOMOVITZ: Indeed she was. And I wish Bill and Helen a lifetime of happiness together.

DEAR ABBY: My 27-year-old daughter and two grandsons (ages 5 and 6) moved in with me more than a year ago. "Lori" is a good mom, but it upsets me when I wake up at night and discover that she's not home. She will leave a note saying she's with this person or that and will be home by midnight or 1 a.m.

It infuriates me when she leaves the boys alone with me without informing me in advance. We argue constantly about this, but she continues to do it. I am ready to call the police or to file a report with DSS. Lori says I am home anyway, so what's the harm? Please help me with this. -- HOME ALONE WITH THE KIDS WHILE MOM'S OUT PARTYING

DEAR HOME ALONE WITH THE KIDS: Your daughter's behavior is extremely disrespectful to the mother who took her in. Nothing will change until you draw the line and tell her that the home she and her boys are living in is yours -- not hers -- and you expect her to live by your rules, the first of which is giving you the courtesy of asking whether you might like the evening out before she plans one for herself. You are both adults, and you deserve to be consulted. If she won't comply, she should make other living arrangements.

DEAR ABBY: I am an 80-year-old woman, happily married for 51 years. The other day, my hairdresser (in her 20s) asked me about my sex life with my husband! I feel this is a private matter and none of her business, but I didn't want to sound rude. Can you think of a snappy answer to such a personal question? -- STILL IN LOVE WITH MY HUSBAND

DEAR STILL IN LOVE: Your hairdresser appears to have been sniffing too much hairspray, which has addled her judgment. The response to her impertinent question should have been to say with a smile, "Honey, you'll just have to wait until you're our age and find out for yourself."

DEAR ABBY: "Louise" and I have been married three years. We met in another state and I relocated to take a job. I proposed to Louise after the move, and she accepted knowing this would be where we live.

Every summer my life becomes hell. Louise gets angry about the smallest things and picks fights frequently. This is in advance of all the grandkids' birthdays that occur in August. As the summer winds down, angry turns to weepy and sullen. She mentions "moving back for good," "I hate it here," "Quit your job and take less money."

Abby, I have a great job, and have told Louise to fly home as often as she wants. This scenario repeats each summer and increases in intensity. I know I'm going to wake up one day and not have a wife, because it seems her only solution is to move back.

I didn't like anything about the state we came from and was glad to leave. I moved there for my first wife and lost out on 14 years of things I loved to do. I'm bitter about it to this day. I'm happier here. I have no answer to this problem that is acceptable to Louise. Please help. -- MY WIFE OR MY LIFE IN TEXAS

DEAR WIFE/LIFE: If ever I heard of a couple who needed mediation services, it's you and Louise. Whether the answer to your problems is divorce, or Louise living part of the year near her grandchildren, is something only the two of you can negotiate -- if it's even economically feasible. If you love each other enough, you can work out a compromise, and that's what I'm hoping you can do in a caring way and without anger.

DEAR ABBY: "Hand-ed a Challenge" (Oct. 28) was visiting her friend "Rosemary" when one of "Hand-ed's" sons accidentally slammed a car door on Rosemary's hand, breaking two fingers. Rosemary, a massage therapist, asked to be reimbursed for lost wages because of the mishap -- and you agreed.

Abby, I find Rosemary's request absurd. Kids play. Accidents happen, and people think they deserve cash for it. Sending the boy to help Rosemary with chores would have been a given, but not after she demanded money.

"Hand-ed" should tell her "friend" that asking for money to save a friendship is extortion. I cannot imagine one single friend of mine who would not accept the injury with a certain amount of grace. "Hand-ed" needs to find more laid-back friends. -- WINDY IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR WINDY: Thank you for offering a different perspective. While I received varied responses from readers, most agreed with me that "Hand-ed" is responsible for the damage her sons had caused. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Your advice to "Hand-ed" was on target. As a teacher for many years, I know the difference between what is ordinary mischief and what is a more serious matter. Anyone old enough to think of hiding behind a car door and opening it from the outside is old enough to know better. As long as his parents fail to recognize this, continue to make excuses for him and allow him to avoid the consequences of his behavior, he'll continue to misbehave and will not be welcome in anyone's home. -- ANNE IN TEXAS

DEAR ABBY: If "Hand-ed" and her husband have homeowner's or renter's insurance, their child is insured under the policy. "Hand-ed" should inform her insurance company of the accident and ask the company to pay for these damages. Having the carrier indemnify the insured for this type of unforeseen accident is the reason for paying an insurance premium. -- AN ATTORNEY IN RUTLAND, VT.

DEAR ABBY: As parents, we are responsible not only for our own actions, but also the actions of our children, who are rarely wise enough to predict the outcome of their poor judgments. A true friend would have made certain all aspects of the results stemming from the "unfortunate accident" were completely covered before ending the visit. This would include assisting with errands or household chores, monetary reimbursement for medical charges incurred and lost wages, so the injured person would not lose sleep over the pain or worry about how to approach requesting assistance. -- JUDY IN COAL VALLEY, ILL.

DEAR ABBY: I empathize with "Hand-ed" when she said "accidents happen," but to say the accident could have happened whether her boys were there or not is a cop-out. I taught my sons to be mindful of other people's property. The fact that they got so close to Rosemary's car as to open the door shows a lack of respect for her property.

I had a friend who was a massage therapist. Her hands were her livelihood. Not only does Rosemary have to wait for her fingers to heal, it will take time for her fingers to regain all their strength. I hope "Hand-ed" sees the error of her ways and will try to make amends with her friend. -- RUTH IN CALIFORNIA