DEAR ABBY: My dear friend "Shelby" has been involved with a man for three years. "Mr. Secret Agent" is always on the go and can visit her only occasionally because of all of his international business travels. She told me he is from New Zealand and plans to return there when he retires in a few years.

Something about him just didn't feel right to me, so I did some Internet sleuthing and discovered that Shelby's "successful businessman" was born right here in the U.S.A. He has no passport, is using an assumed name, works as a janitor, has filed bankruptcy twice and actually lives in a trailer.

Shelby is overjoyed when he comes to visit her, but I am getting tired of hearing his lies. I know she'll be hurt, but don't you think she deserves to know the truth? I'm concerned he may extort money from her. What should I do? -- 2 GOOD 2 BE TRUE IN WASHINGTON STATE

DEAR 2 GOOD 2 BE TRUE: The first thing to do is confess to your friend that you did some snooping and learned some troubling information about her gentleman friend. Then offer to share it with her so she can decide for herself if continuing a relationship with him is something she wants to do. She may or may not be interested -- and she may or may not thank you for wising her up. Be prepared for her to be upset -- but it's a risk you should take.

DEAR ABBY: I have a suggestion for people who are stuck for gift ideas. Several years ago, I asked my mom for a very special Christmas gift. I asked her to write down her life story -- things she had done as a child, the experience of hitchhiking from New Mexico to Tennessee during the Great Depression, and all the other experiences of her life. She did, and I printed it for her. That year she gave each child, grandchild and great-grandchild a copy. It was the best Christmas present ever and one that's still cherished by us all.

Both my parents are gone now, but we have Mom's wonderful stories to remember. Without her book, those memories would be lost forever. I encourage everyone to record their family history and memories for your loved ones to read. You'll never regret it, and it will be enjoyed for generations to come. -- ANDREW IN JOHNSON CITY, TENN.

DEAR ANDREW: That's a terrific suggestion. And if the parent or grandparent isn't comfortable with writing, the same goal can be accomplished by setting up a video camera and interviewing the family member by asking questions about his or her youth.

DEAR ABBY: I left my abusive husband two years ago. My parents and my brother chose him over me. My father and brother kicked me out of their house when I tried to explain, while my mother stood there and said nothing.

My father is now dying and I don't know what I should do. I feel like talking to him would be "giving in." My family made their choice two years ago. Abby, I am torn. How do I forgive my father when I don't think he deserves it? -- THE ONE LEFT BEHIND IN OREGON

DEAR ONE LEFT BEHIND: Frankly, you don't. If you had said your father had asked for forgiveness, my answer might be different. But unless your father asks to see you, keep your distance. That is, unless you want to risk yet another dose of rejection.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married to "Leon" for 3 1/2 years. We have a 2-year-old daughter and are, for the most part, happy. However, one issue comes up frequently and seems to be the basis of all of our disagreements.

Leon is hung up on things being "equal." This can range from whose "turn" it is to do the dishes, change the diapers, put our daughter to bed -- to exactly how many days we spend with each set of parents. If we travel to see my parents, we must also travel to see his.

This "equal" obsession drives me nuts. I'm fully in support of "fair," but if I'm busy making dinner, it seems to me that he could change the baby's diaper even if it's my "turn." As for visiting the in-laws, he became upset with me when I wanted to plan a trip to see my parents without simultaneously planning one to visit his. He felt shortchanged -- until we added it up, and it turned out we've spent five weeks more with his family than with mine.

A marriage is a partnership, and I believe in picking up the slack when Leon is overwhelmed, sick or tired. Why can't he do the same for me? -- UNFAIRLY EQUAL IN PHOENIX

DEAR UNFAIRLY EQUAL: Because, for whatever reason, your husband is obsessed with the idea that he's going to get the short end of the stick -- if you'll forgive the vernacular. Either that, or he's obsessive-compulsive and also counts steps, turns and other meaningless minutiae. That he would expect you to stop preparing dinner to change a diaper is, to put it mildly -- yech! However, he isn't going to change until he realizes he has a problem. The incident involving visiting your parents should have been his first clue.

DEAR ABBY: How do I get my dad to stop making uncalled-for comments? I'm 13, and I'm ready to stop inviting my friends over. My father always seems to say the worst possible thing.

For example, my friend "Amanda" was over one day. She has low self-esteem and body image problems. She was complaining to me about how curly her hair gets after she swims. I reassured her that it wasn't that bad, but then Dad came in and said, "Whoa! What's that? Your hair looks like something out of the 1980s!"

I replied, "Dad, could you please be quiet?" and he glared at me and continued. He often asks my friends if they're married yet, as a joke, and can't take a hint when he's the only one laughing. More than one of my friends have said they feel uncomfortable around him or just don't like him.

If I try to bring it up, Dad reminds me that back in my fifth-grade class everyone liked him. That was three years ago, and I have grown up and so have my friends. How do I teach Dad to take a hint? -- MORTIFIED IN FLORIDA

DEAR MORTIFIED: You don't. Because he won't accept hearing it from you, it's better he get the message from another adult that his attempts at humor are in poor taste and not funny. Talk to your mother or another adult female relative and tell her what your father is doing. If he keeps it up, you won't have to worry about not inviting friends to your house because they won't want to come over and be embarrassed.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I have been married to "Ben," a wonderful man, for seven years. We have three children. We get along well, but I have one complaint. It's about sex. I'm always in the mood but he isn't. We both work full-time jobs and take care of the kids and the house.

My best friend tells me I have the sex drive of a male and her husband wishes she was more like me. I am not a nymphomaniac, but I'd like to be intimate with my husband more than every other week. When we're together, I almost feel like it's a chore to him.

Is there something wrong with me? I have never cheated on Ben, nor have I considered it. I feel this is an issue in our marriage, but he thinks I am overreacting. -- WAITING FOR MORE

DEAR WAITING: When a couple has problems in the bedroom, it can affect every aspect of the marriage. You are not "overreacting." By implying that you are, your husband is attempting to minimize your feelings. He may have a low sex drive, no sex drive or a hormone problem. A licensed marriage counselor might be able to help the two of you discuss this sensitive subject -- and a visit to his doctor could help him find out if his problem is physical. You need more help -- and so does he -- than anyone can give you in a letter.

DEAR ABBY: My grandmother passed away this week. For the last five years my mother was her sole caregiver. Now that Grandma is gone, I'm worried about my mother. She sacrificed her life and friendships to take care of Grandma and Great-Grandma. Now, 10 years later, she's at a total loss.

My mother is a wonderful lady. I don't want to see her hurt and isolated like this. All the relatives are still in town and a lot of us are off work, but when everyone returns to work, it's going to be hard for her. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. -- SAD SURVIVOR

DEAR SAD: Your mother may need some time to get over the loss of her mother and to figure out where to go from here. Don't push her, but do keep an eye on her and encourage her to start reconnecting with friends and activities she once enjoyed.

Grieving is an individual process that can take time (or not), depending upon how prepared she was for your grandmother to go. And hold a good thought. Having done all she could for her mother and grandmother, she may have no regrets and recover faster than you think she will. If that doesn't happen, her doctor, minister or the funeral home can help her locate a grief support group.

DEAR ABBY: I have already decorated my office for the winter holidays, but my co-worker says before Thanksgiving is too early to display a snowman. When do you decorate for the holiday season? -- FESTIVE SOUTHERN GIRL

DEAR SOUTHERN GIRL: This year, in late September, I began seeing Christmas decorations in some stores, and references to Christmas layaway plans being mentioned in the media a few months before that. However, in a work environment I would wait until after the first week of December to begin displaying Christmas decorations.

P.S. If your snowman is a generic winter decoration, it might be appropriate to wait until after the first snowfall.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)