DEAR ABBY: A male cousin sent me an invitation to his wedding. I have met his fiancee a few times at family reunions and weddings, and she seems very sweet. The problem is my cousin sexually abused me for many years when I was younger. I have no desire to attend his wedding.

Am I obligated to send a card or a gift? I don't want his fiancee to think I don't like her, but it makes me sick to think of celebrating his marriage after what he did. What do I say when other family members ask why I'm not going? Am I obligated to tell her what he did? -- NEEDS TO KNOW IN TEXAS

DEAR NEEDS TO KNOW: A young man who sexually abuses someone "for years" is a predator. And while the news may not be greeted warmly, you should say something to your cousin's fiancee before she marries him.

You could benefit from talking to a counselor who specializes in sexual abuse to make sure the effects of what happened to you don't affect you in the future. The counselor can help you decide what to do from there. If you don't attend the wedding, you are under no obligation to send a gift or a card.

DEAR ABBY: I could never figure out why "Margaret," my wife of 20 years, married me. After our wedding she tried to give me an image makeover. She'd buy me clothes I left hanging in the closet. She'd contradict and correct me in public. In general, she'd find fault with almost everything I did. She put me down often, and if I reacted, she would either claim it wasn't what she meant to say or tell me, "You do it, too." I finally gave up and left her.

Margaret has an excellent reputation, so people try to pry into why I left her. When I tell them I won't bad-mouth her, they tell me she says plenty about me. My response is, "Then you know all there is to know, don't you?"

Two women close to my age, plus one college-age girl, are trying to pursue me. I'm afraid if I don't leave this area, Margaret will allege that I left her for one of them.

Your thoughts, please. -- KEEPING MUM IN CLEVELAND

DEAR KEEPING MUM: You didn't mention how long ago your marriage ended or whether your divorce is final. But regardless, aren't you tired of worrying about what your ex is saying about you? The marriage is over -- kaput! A move isn't necessary. An effective way to ensure that no one spreads a rumor that you left Margaret for one woman would be to spend time being seen dating all of them.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been together for two years, and he still doesn't know my mother's last name (it's different from my maiden name), nor does he know the names of all of my siblings. He doesn't think it's a big deal. What is your opinion? -- NAME GAME IN KNOXVILLE, TENN.

DEAR NAME GAME: Either your husband is not much of a family man or he's not detail-oriented. Remembering someone's name is a sign of respect, and it appears your husband of two years has little of that for your family.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Lance," is making a career change and has been offered a great opportunity. He is very excited about it. Because his experience in this new field is minimal, Lance asked for letters of recommendation from some professionals who are familiar with his work. He was hoping the letters would provide insight into his abilities that his resume lacks at this early stage.

The problem? All three of the letters he has received contain glaring mistakes. They are all from college professors and on letterhead stationery. While they do offer glowing recommendations, one letter omitted an important word in a sentence, another misused a common word, and the third refers to Lance as "Ms."

I told Lance the letters do not reflect negatively on him because he didn't write them. But he thinks they will give the impression he associates with sub-par representatives of the field. He refuses to ask for new letters because he doesn't want to offend the writers by pointing out the errors. Should Lance use these letters? -- STUMPED IN TALLAHASSEE

DEAR STUMPED: What your letter illustrates is how many intelligent, professional people don't bother to proofread what they have written. Your husband should contact the individuals who provided the references and explain that he spotted a typographical error that should be easy to correct. That's not offensive -- it's doing the professors a favor as well as himself because what appears above their signature is a reflection on them and their attention to detail.

DEAR ABBY: I am a mother and a stepmother and have several grandchildren. I have been the "family photographer" at all our events and holiday celebrations. Looking through our 35 years of photographs, you will rarely find me in one. I was always there -- but behind the camera.

I'd like to remind your readers that if they're at a gathering and see someone taking family photos, to please offer to use their camera to take a group picture that includes the photographer. It will be one of the few photos in their albums they actually appear in. And they'll be thankful for your thoughtfulness for years to come. -- INVISIBLE GRANDMA IN LAWRENCE, MASS.

DEAR INVISIBLE GRANDMA: With the holidays approaching, I'm pleased to print your suggestion. However, at large gatherings these days, there is bound to be someone in the group who has a camera -- or a cell phone -- with a timer so that everyone present (including the photographer) can appear in the picture.

DEAR ABBY: I recently went to a sporting goods store to buy new golf shoes. I had a $25-off coupon to be used on any apparel sold in the store.

When I presented the coupon, the store manager informed me that shoes are not considered "apparel" and he would not honor the discount! Aren't shoes considered to be apparel? -- BAREFOOT IN MIAMISBURG, OHIO

DEAR BAREFOOT: Yes, they are. And if there were any exclusions, they should have been mentioned on the coupon.

DEAR ABBY: My partner and I are vegetarians. Occasionally we eat fish, but neither of us has had pork, beef or fowl for more than 10 years.

We were at a barbecue at a good friend's house a short time ago and our gracious hosts kindly prepared veggie burgers especially for us. Another guest at the party asked me if I'd be as good-natured as our hosts if I were to have a get-together at my house. (In other words, would I serve meat to our carnivorous guests.) I told him no, to which he (jokingly?) replied that I was "selfish."

Abby, the idea of eating meat is gross to me now. The reason I stopped eating it in the first place is my ethical opposition to how it's produced, and I would not want to compromise my ideals simply in the name of being a good hostess.

Am I "selfish"? Should I offer my friends meat if that is what they prefer? I'd appreciate your input. -- WHERE'S THE BEEF? IN HOUSTON

DEAR W.T.B.: A gracious guest does not criticize what his or her hosts serve. Your friends are aware that you are a vegetarian and why. As long as you make sure they don't go hungry, you are not obligated to serve guests flesh of anything that doesn't come from the ground, a bush or a tree. And you can say I said so.

DEAR ABBY: I am a sophomore in high school who has the responsibility of helping my mother raise four boys and a baby girl until their mothers (my sisters) are able to take care of them. Instead of being able to attend a football game or go to the mall with friends, I spend half my time at school and the other half baby sitting. The only "joy" I feel is knowing the kids are safe in my capable hands.

I have been around babies all my life and I'm reaching the breaking point. I'm worried about my future after high school. I feel like a middle-aged woman instead of a teenager from the stress I have had to accept. Can you tell me how I can feel like I can accomplish something more? -- TEENAGE FOSTER MOM/AUNT

DEAR TEENAGE FOSTER MOM/AUNT: By completing your education. For you, freedom lies in getting a college education or learning a trade that will get you out and on your own. You should not have been saddled with the responsibility of raising the children your irresponsible sisters brought into this world. Learn from their example and be sure that the only pregnancies you have are those that have been planned and prepared for, and you will have the freedom and the future for which you are longing.

DEAR ABBY: I'm seeing this guy, "Jerry," who is an amazing person. Both of us are divorced single parents. I'm attracted to him -- but I'm not sure if there is passion. My question is, do I choose security and a life that I want, or the passion that fuels romantic fire? -- SEARCHING IN COLUMBIA, S.C.

DEAR SEARCHING: The problem with the "passion that fuels romantic fire" is that it's so intense at the beginning that it usually can't sustain itself. Was your first marriage fueled by it? If so, this time around seriously consider marriage to an "amazing person" to whom you say you are attracted and who can provide a stable and secure future for you and your children. These qualities can form the basis of lasting and rewarding partnership.