DEAR ABBY: I had to laugh when I read the letter from "Needs a Real Woman in Florida" (Sept. 8), written by a man complaining about dating women with breast implants. I am a breast cancer survivor and I have implants. I was with a man for nearly two years who knew I'd had one of them done because the scarring was obvious. One night when we were talking, I mentioned that the other one was also false and he didn't believe me. He couldn't tell the difference.

Years ago, I dated a man who told me before we became intimate that he didn't know if he could "handle" being with someone with implants. I should have dumped him then, but I didn't. But the real kicker? We were in the middle of an amorous embrace when his toupee fell off. I started laughing, and that was the end of the relationship. What a hypocrite -- putting down someone else when he had a rug!

I wonder what "Needs" would do if he met a woman post-mastectomy before she had reconstructive surgery? -- GRATEFUL SURVIVOR IN ARIZONA

DEAR GRATEFUL: You are one of many survivors who shared their reason for breast surgery, many of whom pointed out that the biggest "boob" of all was the writer of that letter. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Women with breast implants are real women. I know because I'm one of them. Perhaps before "Needs" passes judgment on their intelligence, and prior to becoming intimate with them, he should get to know them better. If they trust him, they will tell him the truth.

Some of us have had the surgery because of dramatic weight loss or medical conditions that contributed to the loss of fullness in that area. And some of us did it because we were tired of wearing padded bras only to have our little secret come to light at an inconvenient moment.

I hope "Needs'" bias comes back to haunt him when Viagra no longer works and he needs an implant. -- PERKY AND PROUD OF IT

DEAR ABBY: I have been seriously contemplating breast enhancement surgery. I'm 35 and, although mine are ample, they don't "stand at attention" the way they used to. I'm intelligent and easygoing, but men don't seem to notice us "natural" women.

After reading "Needs'" letter, I have decided against the surgery. Maybe there's some nice guy out there after all who will love me the way I am and I won't have to alter myself to get his attention. -- NEEDS A NICE GUY IN GEORGIA

DEAR ABBY: I can't believe how narrow-minded "Needs" is. Hasn't that man thought about the women who have no choice but fake breasts because of cancer? Would he turn a woman away who went through all the hurt, pain and loss -- just to survive -- and ended up with implants? If he's so shallow, he doesn't deserve a decent woman because she will never measure up to his "high" standards. I know I am a beautiful, intelligent woman -- and my fake breasts are just like my real ones were. -- AN ORDAINED MINISTER OUT WEST

DEAR ABBY: Please allow me to extend my heartiest congratulations to the lucky woman from whom that man is divorced! Years ago, after a breast cancer scare, I had reconstructive surgery. I have it on good authority (my husband) that my breasts neither "look strange" nor "feel uncomfortable."

That -- ahem -- "gentleman" who wrote has an odd and offensive attitude toward women. I know a number of intelligent ladies, and not one would be remotely interested in a man who would judge them according to the contents of their breasts. -- A REAL WOMAN IN TEXAS

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

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DEAR ABBY: Our daughter "Joy" is 20. Her boyfriend, "Danny," is 22. They plan to be married once they graduate from college. Danny is a wonderful young man who loves our daughter very much.

Danny's parents have an expensive home, two new cars, a boat and a vacation home. They do not help their son financially -- even with college. Danny works full time, attends school full time and pays all of his expenses. What concerns me is that he has a car payment, a school loan and is using a credit card to buy an engagement ring for Joy.

Joy and Danny would like a big, expensive wedding. Although we would like to do that for our daughter, we are reluctant about spending so much for a wedding, knowing that afterward they will have to pay off all of Danny's bills. Should we voice our concerns to our daughter or keep our mouths shut? We don't want to start out as bad in-laws. -- LOVING DAD IN UTAH

DEAR LOVING DAD: Your daughter's fiance appears to be a fine young man with a lot of responsibility on his shoulders. As a caring parent, by all means express your concern to both of them. And when you do, consider offering them the alternative of scaling down the wedding and using the balance of the money to retire some of his debt. I can't imagine a more considerate and loving gift than that for them.

DEAR ABBY: Please let people know how careful they need to be when referring someone, particularly for home improvement work.

I hired a man to do some repairs in my home. Before the job was completed, I was telling others what a great deal I got and handing out his contact information to people I didn't know well.

Abby, the man turned out to be a fraud, and have I ever learned my lesson. Please warn your readers not to refer anyone until they have been thoroughly checked out, the work has been completed and enough time has gone by to ensure there were no hidden problems with the person's work. In these times when so many people are trying to save where they can, there are crooks just waiting to prey on another victim.

I am sorry now because I can't contact these people to warn them not to do business with the man, and I'm afraid I have been instrumental in their being conned. -- TRULY REGRETFUL IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR REGRETFUL: I'm sorry you were taken advantage of, but pleased to have the opportunity to remind readers they should be careful about making recommendations until they are certain they can vouch for the person's ability and integrity. Anyone investing in home improvements should insist the person has good references and is licensed and insured.

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating a wonderful man who is a widower. Our question is this: When a couple divorces, the two refer to each other as their "ex." But because his wife died, how should she be referred to? It doesn't seem right to call her his ex. -- CURIOUS IN PALM SPRINGS

DEAR CURIOUS: With anyone who does not already know that your friend is a widower, she should be referred to as "his late wife."

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I have a problem with people in our church congregation who want to greet me with a kiss. Please advise me on how to handle this delicate situation.

I don't want to hurt any feelings; these are nice people. However, lips carry germs, and I have a weak immune system. I have tried extending my hand in greeting, but one man smooched me anyway, saying, "I don't shake hands with girls!" Abby, I'm 70 and hardly a "girl," and I didn't appreciate his rejection of my handshake.

Do you think it will work if I tell him and others that I have a contagious disease that causes men's lips to dry up and fall off? -- DEANNA IN FLORIDA

DEAR DEANNA: No. It would be more to the point to tell your fellow church members that you have a fragile immune system and are susceptible to viruses -- which is why you prefer to shake hands. It's the truth. And if the man who smooched you continues to be a problem, talk to your clergyperson about it.

DEAR ABBY: I have met my soul mate. She has the same name as my ex-wife. How do we remedy this? It is driving me nuts! -- SCOTT IN WASHINGTON STATE

DEAR SCOTT: Remember when you were in school and there were several students in a class who shared the same name? Some of them would adopt a nickname. If it's OK with your soul mate, she can certainly do the same. But consider the upside for you. The fact that your new lady's and ex-wife's names match guarantees you won't ever slip and call her by the wrong one.

DEAR ABBY: I am hoping you might have a suggestion on how to handle cigarette smokers who ignore my requests to not smoke in my direction. I have severe allergies, and I also suffer from dry eye syndrome. Even after I have told smokers that their addiction worsens my condition they continue, assuming that by cracking a window the room is ventilated. -- FRUSTRATED IN TURLOCK, CALIF.

DEAR FRUSTRATED: I do have a suggestion, one that is time-honored and effective. Safeguard your health by avoiding anyone who continues to smoke after having been told that it negatively affects you.

DEAR ABBY: A year ago, I married an old and dear friend. We have both been through marriage, divorce and difficult relationships. At last, I finally found the person I was meant to be with.

My husband's parents have been gone for several years, but I was fortunate enough to know them before they died. We went to visit their graves the day after our wedding, and I placed two pennies I had been saving on their headstone -- one dated 1968 for me and one dated 1963 for him.

Last week I received several pennies in change and dropped them into my wallet. When I fished them out later, I was delighted to see that one was from 1968 and the other was from 1963! I believe in my heart it's his parents' way of telling us that they are happy we are together. -- LUCKY BRIDE IN MAINE

DEAR LUCKY BRIDE: And I can't think of a more meaningful wedding gift you could have received from your late in-laws. May you and your soul mate enjoy many happy, healthy years together.