DEAR ABBY: I am a parole officer, and while I agree with and support your response to "Smitten in New York" (Aug. 6), I would like to offer an additional comment. People can and do change their lives while incarcerated. However, when they are in a controlled environment, their changed lives on the outside are still in their imaginations.

Many inmates who make very positive plans for their future when they're released, discover life "on the outs" doesn't unfold the way they imagined it would. Some of them deal with substance abuse issues, mental illness, brain injuries and a lack of education and life skills. I would caution "Smitten" not to become too involved with her pen pal after his release until he has proven his ability to be the partner she believes and hopes he will be. -- KELLY IN WASHINGTON STATE

DEAR KELLY: Thank you for your comments. I received many letters from former pen pals of inmates, all advising -- pleading with -- "Smitten" to run as fast as she can from this man. Today, however, I'll print some from those in the know from the "inside." Read on:

DEAR ABBY: "Smitten" and countless other women (and men) who write and visit inmates do not fully understand the situation they're potentially putting themselves in.

Any one inmate receives numerous letters, graphic photos and visitors, and not all from the same "potential special person." Inmates live and breathe a 24/7 confined life, with nothing to do but find ways to entertain or protect themselves.

It's not far-fetched that an inmate may be under the control of a gang affiliation and need to do certain things to gain a "rep" inside the walls. They have plenty of time to consider the who, how, what and wheres of surviving in jail.

Sure, some inmates have taken a different road, but is "Smitten" ready to bring a con into her family in the hopes that he's telling the truth? I work in a maximum security prison in New York. "Smitten," I strongly urge you to reconsider communicating with this inmate. And I hope you're not sending him money or letting him know your financial situation. -- SEEN FROM THE INSIDE

DEAR ABBY: I am a retired corrections officer from the state of Florida, and this woman has fallen for the most common game played by inmates. One person writes the letter and the others pay him for it with cigarettes or other items they can buy in the canteen. Inmates will come up with amazing fictions to make people feel sorry for them, or send them money to be put in their inmate trust fund.

I can guarantee "Smitten" that this inmate has absolutely no feelings for her and is only using her. If she's that gullible -- or stupid -- she deserves to be used. If she's that lonely, she should get a dog! -- CHRIS IN FLORIDA

DEAR ABBY: I'm a paralegal who has worked for a criminal defense attorney in Florida for many years. Florida has a comprehensive Web site and its offender information search posts not only photos, but also lists prior incarcerations and case information about the crime for which inmates are presently serving. To find the state prison site, "Smitten" should input "Florida Department of Corrections" and look for the "Offender" information search.

"Smitten" is playing with fire, Abby, and if she gets burned it will be because she'd rather believe the fantasy and ignore the reality. She needs to do her homework before accepting this man's declarations as truth. -- FORMERLY BURNED IN FLORIDA

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Ronnie," and I have a very active and "different" sex life. I'm happy I have found someone who is so compatible, but it has also presented a problem for me when we're out with friends.

Our bedroom activities occasionally include a third party -- a female. I'm perfectly happy with this arrangement because I am the one who initiated it. However, I have a problem with Ronnie's recruiting practices. He seems to think that because I have one friend who has joined us, all of them are fair game. Most of my friends are not aware of our activities. They're mainstream, and it's embarrassing when he propositions them. I try to blame it on booze, but they get offended. I have lost one good friend over it.

I have tried repeatedly to explain to Ronnie that there's a time and a place for everything. He just doesn't get it. He says not to worry about what others think. I don't want to end what we have, but I need him to understand that our sex life is not open for discussion among our tight-knit group of friends. Any suggestions? -- EMBARRASSED IN JERSEY

DEAR EMBARRASSED: Because you have explained to Ronnie that what he's doing is making you uncomfortable, that not all of your friends are into threesomes and it has already cost you one friend -- then face it. He doesn't want to "get it." Or, this may be his way of letting you know that he wants to do some recruiting of his own.

Before any more of your private business is broadcast, you will have to decide if Ronnie's ability in the bedroom makes up for the fact that he's embarrassing in other important social situations. Only you can decide that one.

DEAR ABBY: You probably have heard things like this before, but I don't know where to turn.

I have been dating "Jeff" for five years and we have a lot of fun together. Last week Jeff proposed marriage and -- I choked! Now I'm having doubts about everything, and he's getting impatient with me because I haven't given him an answer.

Things are not going the way I had hoped, Abby. Everything is falling apart. Does this happen often? How do I know if he's the right one? -- PANICKED IN PITTSBURGH

DEAR PANICKED: It doesn't happen "often," but panicking at making a lifetime commitment certainly isn't unheard of. You need to relax, calm down, and realize that you have spent five enjoyable years with Jeff or the relationship would have ended. Then ask yourself how you would feel about a lifetime of similar experiences, and you'll have the answer you're looking for. I hope you'll be very happy together.

DEAR ABBY: I was friendly with a woman I'll call Paula. In the past, whenever I'd buy a lottery ticket I'd promise to buy her a house if I won.

Our friendship has become strained. In fact, we're no longer friends at all. It has been a year and a half since I've spoken to her.

Am I legally bound to buy Paula a house if I win? She's the kind of person who would take you to court and generally try to ruin your life. Could you please give me some advice and help me out of this jam? -- WINNER-TO-BE IN STAUNTON, VA.

DEAR WINNER-TO-BE: Yes. A verbal agreement is only as good as the paper it is written on.

DEAR ABBY: I lost my father suddenly six years ago. He was 56 and I was 25. I had always been Daddy's girl, and it took me a long time to deal with his death.

My problem is I'm unsympathetic to everyone around me now. I'll give you an example. A woman I work with is 60 and both her parents are still living, although her father is in failing health. She talks endlessly about his poor health and how it takes up all her time. Most people feel bad for her, but I resent the fact that she's upset that her dad is 86 and dying, when my dad died so young.

I feel like I am becoming a cold, unfeeling person and I don't know how to stop it. Can you help? -- UNSYMPATHETIC IN NEW YORK

DEAR UNSYMPATHETIC: I don't think you are cold, unfeeling or unsympathetic. You may still not be over the loss of your father. The late Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross broke the grieving process into five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. It might be helpful for you to discuss your concerns with a licensed mental health professional who can help you work this through.

And in the meantime, when your co-worker raises the subject of her pain at losing her father -- which I'm sure you identify with -- explain that it's too painful for you to hear and excuse yourself.

DEAR ABBY: We have a "situation" at work that is becoming intolerable. Our new boss of four months joins us for our coffee breaks and lunches. It is awkward, to say the least. The other secretaries and I look forward to our breaks as a time to unwind (and talk about the salespeople and our bosses if we need to vent). Now we can't speak freely.

Even worse, the woman has atrocious table manners. She talks the entire time she's eating -- chomping, slurping and spraying food all over. It's disgusting.

We brown-bag our lunches because we can't afford to eat out. We know we can't tell our boss she isn't welcome in the break room. Any ideas on how we can handle this? -- NAUSEATED IN BLOOMFIELD, N.J.

DEAR NAUSEATED: Allow me to offer a couple. Schedule your breaks so you aren't all taking one at once, which will make it more difficult for your new boss to join you. And at lunch, break into groups and take your brown bags off the premises if possible. That way, all of you won't have to tolerate her every day.

Frankly, I feel sympathy for the woman. She seems lonely and unaware of the fact that an invisible line separates management from staff, that she's not one of you and is intruding.

DEAR ABBY: When my son and his fiancee have a fight, she comes to cry on my shoulder. She says she doesn't want to talk to her friends because she doesn't want them to dislike him. Little does she know how stressful this is for me when I get to hear all the details. How can I put a stop to this without hurting her feelings? -- TOO MUCH INFORMATION IN IOWA

DEAR TOO MUCH INFORMATION: Start by telling her how stressful it is when she comes running to you when she and your son argue. Then, explain that as much as you care about her, if she's going to marry your son, she is going to have to learn to work out her problems with him on her own. You'll be doing her a favor.