DEAR ABBY: My mother passed away two years ago, and her first great-grandchild will be born in less than two months. I had hoped when I was still in my 30s to have a child of my own, so I had Mom crochet me a baby set -- sweater, booties, cap and blanket. Sadly, motherhood for me was not to be.

Do you think this baby set should go to the firstborn great-grandchild, or to Mom's favorite grandchild's children? The color is gender-neutral. Should I perhaps "loan" it to each of the great-grandchildren when they arrive to ensure that it will be maintained as a family heirloom? I paid for all the materials and Mom's time in creating these items. I feel it would be selfish not to share them. -- SOON-TO-BE-GREAT-AUNT

DEAR SOON-TO-BE-GREAT-AUNT: If you wish to establish that the baby set will become a family heirloom, stipulate that it is your intention that it be shared among the family members as more children come along. I do not recommend playing favorites with it, because to do so could create resentment.

However, it is important that you understand that once the baby set is given, it will be out of your control. There are no guarantees that it won't be damaged or hoarded. So unless you are ready to let go of it emotionally, don't give it away.

DEAR ABBY: I am writing about a random act of kindness. Last night my husband and I went out to dinner with our two small children. He's in the Army and wore his uniform because he had gotten off late and he didn't want to keep the kids from eating while he changed.

While we waited for our meal to be served, our waiter came to us and said it was our "lucky night." The couple seated next to us was paying for the entire meal. Things like this have happened to my husband before -- with small lunches or drinks -- but never something as large as dinner for four. The gesture was touching and thoughtful, and made more special by the fact that it was the woman's birthday. That she thought of someone else on "her" day made me smile.

We only got the gentleman's name -- it was Russell, like our son's -- but not hers. We want to express our gratitude to her. And we hope her birthday was as delightful as our evening was, thanks to her. -- TOUCHED BY HER KINDNESS IN FORT HUACHUCA, ARIZ.

DEAR TOUCHED: I'm sure it was. Happy people like to spread the joy around. And thank you for reminding me and my readers how much an expression of gratitude to our members of the military can mean to those who receive one.

DEAR ABBY: I have a beautiful 2-month-old daughter, and I like to dress her in little pants and shirts rather than dresses. Often these clothes are in gender-neutral colors -- yellow, green and, yes, sometimes blue.

Whenever she's wearing something other than pink, people assume she's a boy and say things like, "Oh, what a handsome little guy," or, "Hi, big boy!"

How would you suggest I respond to these people? Should I ignore them and go on with my errands or correct them? I hope that by reading this people will think before they assume a baby's gender based on the color of his/her clothing. -- ANNOYED IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR ANNOYED: They may or may not. The next time it happens, smile at the person and say, "It's a girl!"

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My father just passed away. He was a pastor. He and Mom were married 40 years, but their relationship became very strained during the last 10. Counseling was unsuccessful and they divorced 15 years ago. Dad was hurt and humiliated by it. Mom felt she had to escape a marriage that was killing her emotionally.

I received a draft of Dad's obituary from my two siblings. It mentions all surviving relatives except my mother, who is still alive and living in the same town where she and Dad spent most of their lives together. I feel omitting her is a slap in the face, but my sister says that because they were divorced, Mom "deserves" no mention. What is protocol in such a situation? -- SURVIVING SON IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR SON: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your father. While your sister may have said it in a way that seemed judgmental, she is technically correct. After a couple divorces and one of them dies, the name of the former spouse is usually not mentioned in the obituary.

DEAR ABBY: I had a suspicion that my wife's attentiveness to a neighbor was more than casual. He's a womanizer who boasts about his extramarital affairs to anyone who will listen.

I noticed some marks on my wife's body, and when I asked how she'd gotten them, her response was evasive. I found it so off-putting that I installed surveillance cameras in our house.

The cameras revealed in detail what has been going on. Our family and friends think my wife is prim and proper. It turns out she is anything but. In fact, I'm no longer sure I fathered our children.

Would it be wrong to send copies of her video activities to everyone so they can see who she really is? -- SAD AND ANGRY IN EAST TEXAS

DEAR ANGRY: No one would blame you if you ended the marriage, but for your children's sake, do not yield to the temptation to get even with your wife in this way. Making the tapes public could cause them emotional harm. Talk to a lawyer. Have genetic tests run to determine your children's paternity, but do not make the tapes public.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 17. My girlfriend of eight months and I have an incredible relationship, but something is eating at me. She often mentions things she did with her past boyfriends. It's not like she's telling stories about the "good old days," but the fact that I hear their names in everyday conversation bothers me.

I want to be understanding because these guys were a big part of her life when they were in it. But I'm tired of hearing their current whereabouts or what they used to talk about. How can I get her to leave the past behind? -- IN THE "NOW" IN ALAMEDA, CALIF.

DEAR IN THE "NOW": Your girlfriend may not be aware of what she's doing and the effect it has on you. Tell her how her constant reminders of past relationships make you feel. If she cares about your feelings, she'll stop doing it.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

DEAR ABBY: The most embarrassing thing happened to me at the chiropractor's office. I typically see him before going to the gym, and change into my gym clothes in the waiting area bathroom. It's easier for my doctor to treat me when I'm not in my office attire.

After completing my workout, I realized that my bra hadn't made it into my gym bag and must still be on the doctor's bathroom floor. I am embarrassed for two reasons: (1) He is single and handsome, and I don't want him to think I'm trying to send him a "signal" of some kind, and (2) it was my favorite bra!

How do I begin to address this? -- "DEBBIE" IN DALLAS

DEAR "DEBBIE": Your bra may be gone but I'm here to support you. Please stop feeling embarrassed. It's entirely possible that your chiropractor never saw the bra. Call the person who schedules your doctor's appointments, explain what happened, and ask if the item has been turned in. If it was, collect it when you go in for your next appointment or ask that it be sent to you.

DEAR ABBY: I reconnected with "Andy," a former high school classmate, and we started a relationship. Because of his actions last year the relationship ended. It started again several months ago. Currently it's on the right track.

Andy is a great guy who fulfills almost everything I am looking for. He accepts me for who I am and doesn't judge me. He's polite and cares about me.

My problem is, I'm not physically attracted to him. Abby, if he's "almost" everything I'm looking for, why am I not attracted to him? Am I blowing it with the one guy I'm supposed to be with, or is there someone else out there for me? -- CONFUSED IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR CONFUSED: I wish you had mentioned what caused your breakup last year. If the reason you're not physically attracted to Andy is something he can change, you should talk to him about it. If it's nothing you can put your finger on, then talk with a counselor to see if the problem could be a fear of commitment on your part. But if it is neither, then face it -- you need to let him find someone who is attracted to him. To marry someone feeling as you do would be dishonest and cheat you both out of a full and happy union.

DEAR ABBY: I have been seeing a guy, "Bill," who I believe is my soul mate. We have discussed our future and decided that after college we will have four kids. We love each other, and we're trying to wait until we're married to have sex. I talked to my parents about it, and Mom offered to put me on the pill.

I don't see any reason not to make love -- other than I always thought I'd wait until my honeymoon. Bill isn't pressuring me, either. I'm afraid that if we do it will complicate our relationship. I guess right now I'm looking for reasons not to because I don't have any. Is it wrong for me to want this? -- IN LOVE IN WASHINGTON

DEAR IN LOVE: I don't think so. You're an idealistic young woman who would like to give her husband a gift on her wedding night that can be given only once. It takes self-control, discipline and determination to accomplish that -- particularly with the emphasis on sex in popular culture. If you wait to have sex until you are married, you will never regret it. If you don't, you might. So hang in there until you're sure you're ready or you have said "I do."

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)