DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Kyle," and I decided to elope two weeks ago. His mother and mine had both said they'd be fine with an elopement. My sister and Kyle's brother were our witnesses -- other than that it was just us.

When we told Kyle's family, they were elated and congratulated us on the spot. When I called my mother, she didn't say much. A couple of days later, I called to make plans to visit her, and she began telling me how many people I had "hurt" by eloping. Mom and I have always had problems communicating and she has a long history of holding me to a higher standard than my siblings. (My sister also eloped, and there were no hard feelings then.)

I am frustrated with Mom and the other members of my family who have chosen to be hurt rather than happy for us. I wouldn't have eloped if I hadn't received the green light from Mom earlier. I have sent out a letter of apology, but I am annoyed that it takes the place of a real wedding announcement. Please help. -- BAFFLED ALBUQUERQUE BRIDE

DEAR BAFFLED BRIDE: I'm sorry you sent a letter of apology instead of a wedding announcement. You did not have to. If questioned about your elopement, all you had to say was you had the blessing of both your mothers before you did it.

Your mom may be upset that she was not among the "chosen few" to be present when you said "I do" -- and her criticism now may be a reflection of it. You have a husband who loves you and at least one sibling with whom you are close. Treasure that and stop depending on your mother's approval, and you will be better off emotionally than you are right now.

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Dwight" for a while now, and things are becoming more serious. Dwight has expressed a desire to make a trip several states away so I can meet his parents. We have even gone so far as discussing how we would handle religion if we have children. I have mixed feelings about the trip. I am both elated and terrified.

Dwight's father is a minister in a small town. My parents were not religious at all and neither am I. Dwight understands that, and he is fine with it.

When I meet his parents, I'm sure they will inevitably ask why I don't share their beliefs. How do I answer them honestly without offending them? -- NON-BELIEVER IN TENNESSEE

DEAR NON-BELIEVER: I see nothing offensive about explaining to them -- as you did to me -- that your parents were not religious and they didn't raise you to be.

DEAR ABBY: My best friend, "Keira," has been dating someone I dated for a short time. Although I was the one who ended the relationship, I still feel uncomfortable with her dating him. The guy means nothing to me and I have moved on to someone else, but it still bothers me.

I told Keira how I feel. She told me I need to be happy for her. It has been three weeks since we last spoke, and I just don't know what else to say. Should I end our friendship since she obviously doesn't care about my feelings? -- DISCONNECTED FRIEND IN OHIO

DEAR DISCONNECTED: You say Keira is your "best" friend. What about her feelings? You rejected the guy, which means (to me) that in some way he didn't measure up to your standards. Why begrudge Keira her happiness? Answer that question and you'll know whether this is really worth ending the friendship over.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married to "Emile" for eight years. We have been together for the last 15. Emile has always been demeaning and sarcastic to me. When he gets upset about something he blames me.

This has been going on for so long I don't know what to do anymore. I am so depressed and hurt that all I can think of is "going away" permanently. I don't think I'd ever harm myself, but I feel more desperate and hopeless every day. I'm down so low I don't know how to come back up. Please advise. -- NO TEARS LEFT IN LAS VEGAS

DEAR NO TEARS LEFT: Has no one told you that the effects of constant put-downs can be equally -- if not more -- debilitating than being physically abused? After 15 years of having your self-esteem chipped away, I'm pleased that you finally found the strength to ask for help.

If you have family, arrange to visit them -- a long visit. If you can afford to separate from your husband, pick up the phone and call the National Domestic Violence Hotline ((800) 799-7233) and ask for help to safely get away. I'm not exaggerating when I say your mental health depends on it.

DEAR ABBY: I live in a suburban neighborhood where the homes are very close together. My back yard is too small to have a clothesline. Because I love the smell of my bed sheets after they have dried outside, I hang them out to dry by pinning them to the chain link fence that surrounds the perimeter of my back yard.

My girlfriends say they would be offended if they were my neighbors. I say it's environmentally friendly, and because I'm hanging out only linens and not underwear, nobody should be offended. Who is correct? -- IN THE BREEZE IN OTTAWA, ONTARIO, CANADA

DEAR IN THE BREEZE: Many neighborhoods have codes, covenants and restrictions that dictate what can and cannot be done within their boundaries. Review the documents to ensure you are not breaking any rules. If you're not, you have had no complaints from the neighbors, and your laundry isn't becoming soiled from flapping against the chain link fence or freezing solid in January -- it's all right with me.

DEAR ABBY: A few months ago, we got a new neighbor. When I was out walking my dog one day, my neighbor was doing the same. At first I thought this person was female, but as we got to talking I began to doubt myself.

First off, my neighbor is petite, has a boyish haircut, no breasts, dresses like a guy and speaks in a voice that could be male or female. I stood there and decided I'd ask for a name, thinking it would solve my problem. Wrong! The person's name is "Chris."

Abby, I don't know what to do. I feel bad for not knowing this person's gender. Is there any way I can find an answer without Chris knowing? I don't want to refer to this person as a "he" if she's a "she," and vice versa. -- GIRL NEXT DOOR, MISSOULA, MONT.

DEAR GIRL NEXT DOOR: Refer to your neighbor as Chris. Asking other neighbors what they have learned about Chris could create more conversation -- and problems -- than it would solve. My advice is to continue being kind and neighborly to Chris. The more you get to know this person, the more likely the answers you're seeking will present themselves.

TO MY JEWISH READERS: Sundown marks the beginning of Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement. During this 24-hour period, observant Jewish people fast, engage in reflection and prayer, and formally repent for any sin that might have been committed during the previous Hebrew year. To all of you -- may your fast be an easy one.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

DEAR ABBY: My husband, son and I live next door to my in-laws. My mother-in-law, "Hazel," has a set of keys to our house for emergency purposes. For some time she has been using the key to come and go as she pleases, "borrowing" food, dishes and toiletries when we're not home. When we discover the items missing, she usually confesses.

I am really irritated about it and have frequent fights with my husband over this and other privacy issues. How can I talk to Hazel in a way that won't hurt her feelings? She is very sensitive, and I don't know how to confront her since my husband refuses to do so. -- MISSING MY PRIVACY IN SAN JOSE, CALIF.

DEAR MISSING: Try this: Take your mother-in-law to lunch and over a nice, leisurely meal say (slowly and quietly), "Hazel, honey, I have a problem I need your help with. (Breathe.) When you come into the house and take things without asking, it makes me feel violated. (Pause.) Do you think you could please refrain from doing that anymore? (Smile.) I'd really appreciate it."

And if any more items turn up missing, quietly change the locks.

DEAR ABBY: I am being married soon and my father will be providing the alcohol for our reception. We plan to serve beer, wine and champagne for the toast. Because I will be wearing an ivory gown, I am opting to drink only champagne. I have a favorite brand, but because of our modest budget, Dad cannot provide it for everyone to drink.

I was going to buy a couple of bottles to have at our table for my wedding party, but Dad feels it would be in poor taste and thinks our guests may feel slighted in some way. My feeling is that it's our special day and people will understand. Am I wrong for wanting a nicer champagne than we can provide for our guests? -- BUBBLY BRIDE IN PISMO BEACH, CALIF.

DEAR BUBBLY: Let me put it this way -- if there is a chance that your guests would feel slighted if you get caught, then drink what they're drinking at the reception. Afterward, have a bottle of your preferred brand waiting in an ice bucket by your "wedding bed" so you can enjoy a special toast with your new husband.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a high school freshman with a dilemma. I'm a good student and get A's in all my classes. I'm also an athlete. I play year-round softball and have started playing soccer for the high school team.

My problem is I took a debate class over the summer and really liked it. I want to join the debate team, but I am unsure if it would be piling too much on my plate for my first year.

I'll be carrying one honors class in addition to two above-grade-level classes. Debate practices are held after sports practices two days a week for one to two hours, so they wouldn't directly conflict with anything except homework time.

Do you think I'm overestimating how much I can handle in extracurricular activities this year? -- TOO AMBITIOUS? IN OREGON

DEAR TOO AMBITIOUS: The fact that this is causing you concern could be an indicator that it is too much. That's why before making up your mind you should discuss this with your parents as well as your guidance counselor at school.