DEAR ABBY: Your advice to "Pam in Springfield, Ohio" (July 14), whose husband didn't want to go to his mother's funeral, was right on.

A memorial service can be a very different experience than a funeral with the casket present. One of the classiest ones I ever attended was at an art museum, with a jazz trio and a display of the deceased's artwork all around. After listening to some wonderfully funny stories about the nifty lady we were there to honor, there was wine and finger food and cordial sharing of fond memories.

My advice to any family is to start talking about funerals now, before the big event, sharing what you like and what you don't about funerals. There is never only one way to do it. -- LISA CARLSON, EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR, FUNERAL ETHICS ORGANIZATION

DEAR LISA: Agreed! It's always nice to receive a letter from you. You have long been a valued resource to me and my readers. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I work in a funeral home and would suggest a couple of options to Pam regarding her husband. Some funeral homes have more than one viewing room. They could display his mother in one and have the receiving line in another. That way, he wouldn't have to see his mother in a casket. The service could include a closed casket -- or none at all.

Another choice would be cremation with a memorial service afterward. Both arrangements would allow the husband the chance for a final goodbye without seeing Mom in the casket. Whatever he decides, the wife should accept his final decision. -- LAURIE IN NEW YORK

DEAR ABBY: Sadly, both of my parents passed away within two years of each other. Instead of a funeral we held a Celebration of Life Memorial Service. (They both wanted to be cremated, so we did not have to deal with a coffin.) Abby, the celebration was beautiful for both. We created slide shows and poster boards of their lives, told funny stories about them, and had people get up randomly if they had their own stories to share. Yes, it was sad because we miss our parents dearly ... but it has also been much easier dealing with our loss when remembering their service as a celebration of their lives. -- MISSING MOM AND DAD, EUGENE, ORE.

DEAR ABBY: I have made it clear to all of my family members that I will not attend their funerals if they go before I do. I stopped attending funerals the minute I was allowed to decide for myself around the age of 16 (I am now 40). Whenever I go to a funeral, the prevailing memory for me is the one of the person lying in the coffin. I no longer remember him or her as alive.

For the most part, my family has been very understanding and allowed me to grieve in my own way.

Pam should let her husband keep his memories of his mother in life and support him. Rather than worrying about him being there for his siblings, she needs to be concerned about being there for him. -- ROSEMARIE IN MINNEAPOLIS

DEAR ABBY: A funeral is for the living -- not the deceased. I lost my husband after a long illness a few years ago. His last wishes were to have no funeral so our children and I would not have to go through that. Instead, we celebrated his life with family and close friends -- including pictures and stories that we turned into a memorial biography of his life. As much as we miss him, this has been a much better means of coping for our family. -- CHERYL IN LAS CRUCES, N.M.

DEAR ABBY: I have a good friend, "Nina," whom I have known more than 35 years. I relocated 1,500 miles from her recently, and would like to invite her to visit me. The problem is, I want her to come alone. My husband and I have no desire to entertain her husband, "Sam."

Sam is a verbally abusive know-it-all on every subject who monopolizes every conversation, allowing no one else to get a word in. The few times we went out together as a foursome, my husband came home with a pounding headache.

How do I tell Nina I would love for her to come, but to leave Sam home? I don't want to hurt her feelings, but we will no longer tolerate his self-centered personality nor the way he treats my friend.

P.S. None of Sam's family will invite him to stay for the same reason. -- NO ROOM AT THE INN IN MISSOURI

DEAR NO ROOM: Try this: Invite Nina for a "girls' visit" -- perhaps to shop, spend a day at a spa, or just put her feet up and gossip. List whatever mutual interests you have that you can think of that would bore Sam to death. Also, try to invite her at a time when your husband might be away -- so there isn't the expectation that Sam "should" be included. If the situation is as you describe with Sam's family, he's used to it.

DEAR ABBY: I am a male who wears women's underwear, as well as skirts, shorts and nightgowns. I will soon be flying to Florida and will be taking a carry-on bag with me and checking another one.

Will security agents open my luggage and inspect the contents of each bag? I worry about being embarrassed and considered a "suspicious person" when they see what's in my bag. Abby, how can I lessen my chances of an embarrassing scene? -- WORRIED TRAVELER IN COLORADO

DEAR WORRIED TRAVELER: Please stop worrying about "an embarrassing scene." Airport security has seen it all -- and I do mean all -- and with the new scanners they'll soon be seeing even more. They are interested only in preventing contraband from being taken on the plane. Period.

P.S. Many men buy gifts of clothing for their wives or girlfriends -- and if you don't cross-dress at the airport or tell them anything to the contrary, inspectors will probably assume the same about you.

DEAR ABBY: I have recently filed for custody of my 6-year-old niece, "Ella." My mother has had custody for the last few years, but Mother is an alcoholic. I have tried to control various situations that arise, but I cannot let my niece be in my mother's care. I know what it was like for me growing up in that environment, and I want better opportunities for Ella.

My mother will be heartbroken, but I see no alternative. How can I explain this to my mother? I want her to get help, but she still doesn't admit that she has a problem. -- CONFUSED IN ARKANSAS

DEAR CONFUSED: If you have custody of Ella, it doesn't mean that your mother can't see or spend time with her -- when she's sober. But right now, your niece's welfare is more important than your mother's feelings.

Surely you are not the only person who realizes your mother has a problem with alcohol. Gather some allies and stage an intervention. All of you should tell her the effect that her drinking has had on those around her. That may be her "wake-up call," and may cause her to seek help.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 40-year-old woman who feels like a single mother. My husband is lazy, has a negative attitude and hasn't held a job in four years. I provide everything in our marriage -- the money, the education for our 8-year-old son, plus I do all the housework, etc.

My husband graduated from a famous university with a bachelor's degree. I have a master's degree and am now studying for my doctorate.

When my husband had a job he would give his money to his parents or spend it on lottery tickets. His parents have more money than mine do.

To me, family is like a bank account into which you must deposit your love, your money and your responsibility. Unfortunately, my husband is always spending -- never saving.

There is no love between us. I think about divorce but worry that my husband will have no house to live in. Maybe I am being too kind. What words of advice do you have for me? -- Y.L. IN BEIJING, CHINA

DEAR Y.L.: It's time to stop worrying about your husband and start thinking about the example he is setting for your son. Do you want him to grow up thinking your household is normal?

Speaking woman to woman, since nothing else has worked it is time to try "tough love." Your husband will not be homeless -- he can stay with his parents until he decides he wants to act like a responsible spouse, finds a job and stops gambling his money away. If he straightens up, you can reconcile. Marriage is supposed to be a working partnership, and from where I sit you have pulled the entire load long enough.

DEAR ABBY: My fiancee, "Mandy," and I decided to buy a home. (We moved in together last August.) Mandy didn't qualify to be on the loan, so it is in my name. No matter what I do, she says she feels like the house won't be "ours" until I put her name on the deed. Abby, a week hasn't gone by that we haven't argued about this to the point of not speaking to each other.

I want to marry Mandy, but I would like us to reach a point that we're able to get along first. She says we won't be able to do that if I don't put her name on the deed. Am I wrong to want to be more comfortable in the relationship before doing that? If something happened and we didn't get married she'd have as much right to the house as I do -- without having paid any money toward it. -- "IN DEED" IN ATLANTA

DEAR "IN DEED": Listen to your gut, because it's guiding you in the right direction. A house is one of the biggest investments you will ever make. Putting Mandy's name on the deed will not magically fix the shaky foundation of this relationship. You may love her, but please continue to think rationally. It appears she is trying to emotionally blackmail you. Before entering into any contract with Mandy (or anyone else, for that matter), talk to your lawyer.

DEAR ABBY: I recently reconnected with a friend on Facebook whom I hadn't seen in 40 years. The photo she posted is from high school. Usually there's a reason for that, but after meeting her again, she's still as pretty as I remembered -- but she looks like she's frozen in the 1960s. She desperately needs a "makeover." How can I politely help my friend update her look with a new hairdo and more flattering makeup? (One of my daughters is a stylist and the other is an aesthetician.) -- STILL SMITTEN IN KANSAS

DEAR STILL SMITTEN: Introduce her to your daughters, let nature take its course and the inevitable will happen.